The Xmas Joke Thread

[Andy Millne]

Santa's Bad Day

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa

even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the round and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Guest mick2]

A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said " George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y." Nope! replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face. You want C-A-N-D-Y. Nope! replied George. Then just what the hell do you want, asks Santa. George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any. Because I can smell it on your finger.!!

[Hamburger Pimp]

A bit blue, that one.

Q. What is the favourite Christmas carol among members of the Pools Panel?

A. Away Win a Manger!!!!!!!111!!!!8SCOREDRAWS!!!!!!

[Hamburger Pimp]

Q. What did Santa have for dinner the day after one of his reindeer broke its leg?

A. Donner kebab!!!!!!111!!!!!PLENTYONIONS!!!!11!!

[Merlin]

Help is required immediatly :lol:

[Hamburger Pimp]

Q. What did TV funnyman Frank Carson say when given a festive cardboard cylinder which, when pulled apart, contained a paper hat, a party novelty and a riddle?

A. It's a cracker!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!MYWIFESSOFAT!!!!!!!!111!!!

[Hamburger Pimp]

Q. What did TV funnyman Frank Carson say when given a savoury, salty biscuit, ideal for eating with cheese?

A. It's a cracker!!!!!111!!!!!!COMEHERETHERESMORE!!!!!!!!11!!!!ORWASTHATJIMMYCRICKET!!!11!!!!

[Hamburger Pimp]

Q. What did TV funnyman Frank Carson say when given a DVD box set of a popular ITV drama featuring Robbie Coltrane as a psychological profiler.

A. Excellent, I always enjoyed Coltrane's performance of the hard-bitten, misanthropic Fitz. This is a classic slab of intelligent British TV drama!!!!!!1111!!!!!!NOTREALLYHESAIDITSACRACKER!!!!111!!!!!!

[Guest mick2]

Q. What did TV funnyman Frank Carson say when given a DVD box set of a popular ITV drama featuring Robbie Coltrane as a psychological profiler.

A. Excellent, I always enjoyed Coltrane's performance of the hard-bitten, misanthropic Fitz. This is a classic slab of intelligent British TV drama!!!!!!1111!!!!!!NOTREALLYHESAIDITSACRACKER!!!!111!!!!!!

!!!!!1111!!!!!!YOURANACKER!!!!LOL111!!!!!!WITHYOURFECKINGSHITEJOKES!!!!!

[Hamburger Pimp]

Can't we celebrate the birth of our Lord the baby Jesus with a few joke funnies without resorting to the language of the billiard hall and the locker room?

Q. What did TV funnyman Frank Carson say when confronted by a mythological squid-like sea monster?

A. It's a Kraken!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!HARRYHAUSEN!!!111!!!!!!

[Hamburger Pimp]

Q. What did TV funnyman Frank Carson say after he switched his mortgage from a fixed-rate interest deal to one which fluctuated as the bank's base rate rose and fell?

A. It's a tracker!!!!11!!!!2%!!!!!!!CREDITCRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!11!!

[Hamburger Pimp]

Q. What did TV funnyman Frank Carson say when he was served a traditional Greek dish comprising layers of aubergine, minced lamb and tomato?

A. It's a moussaka!!!!!!111!!!!!!BREAKABLEPLATES!!!!1!!!!!

[Merlin]

Ok this one will sleigh ya............

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?

ELK-a-seltza!!