Northumberland cancer patient 'has to travel 170 miles' for treatment, despite living near 'state-of-the-art' facility

Hey Ian!  There's a mind-numbingly simple solution to your constituent's problem.  So simple that even a Labour MP couldn't miss it if they really wanted to facilitate "change" (you know, that nebulous thing that Two-tier is always going on about!)

Here's what you do: you go shopping for a rubber boat, the flimsier and cheaper the better!  Then you drive your poor constituent down to the channel coast, inflate it and put this poor guy in it.  You only need to push him a few hundred feet out to sea, and simply abandon him.  Maybe hand him a letter to hand to the first human rights lawyer he comes across pointing out how his right to unlimited UK resources for his medical condition are being violated - a mere detail, but you get the idea?  Before you completely abandon him, make sure he knows to pretend he can't understand the local lingo - hardly a challenge for a Geordie in Kent - and keep repeating "I asylum seek", until he's put up in the mandatory five-star accommodation!  Starmer's legal buddies will take care of all the rest for you.

Just go for it! The resulting publicity could improve your dire re-election prospects like nothing else could!  All those worries about having to get a real job soon could be at an end!