Malcolm Robinson

A daft penny on November.

Psychic Daughter A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God b less Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay. "What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! "

Anyone...........

Think I like this one better!

Les Trimarantes

Couple of general points Mr D. NCC are to take over responsibility for things like parking tickets but as yet haven't got the policies or procedures in place to actually do it. The police might be of the opinion that actually doing day to day policing of parking problems might not be the best use of their resources at the moment, and that could very well be their position on more and more of the 'incidental' stuff given the budget cuts they will soon have upon them. Second point and one which I am keen to make whenever I hear about problem parking at schools etc. is that the whole thing should be actively managed. For whatever reason, safety, time or even lifestyle, people have decided that dropping their kids off at school by car is their preferred option. Criminalising them isn't the solution! Much better and much more productive would be to manage the situation and make it easier and safer for parents to carry out what they see as a responsibility. Considering the St Bennes' situation the present option is madness! Using the access between lines of terraced houses even if it's only an entrance and the exit is somewhere else is really unsatisfactory. Anyone see the amount of concrete laid on top of the recently exposed water pipes running along Ridge Terrace? It is about a foot think and obviously there to act as a lintel and try to protect the fragile pipes from the weight of traffic passing above. The road is one of the main arterial routes into Bedlington and it also has three school entrances within a quarter mile. You would have to have the intelligence of an amoeba not to foresee traffic problems here! A possible solution, put in a relief road from the Westlea turning off the Nedderton road to the Newcastle road and have the St Bennes' and West End first school entrances and exits off it. Of course even that doesn't cure the Meadowdale problem, and in this day and age would probably be cost prohibitive, but at least it does address two out of the three.

NCC wants to paint double yellows at both sides of the entrance road into Bennies, in-between the Ridge Terrace houses. I think that this would penalise residents who know full well there are problems there twice a day and avoid it like the plague. It would stop any residents parking night times, weekends and school holidays, i.e. when there are no issues regarding parking. I suggested a clearway pattern with no parking between the times of say 8.00am-9.30am and 3.30pm-5.00pm during term time. I have no doubt we will see double yellows there forthwith!

GGG, Could be argued that any media's responsibility in this context is to report on actions and when these actions are unpopular then they must reflect that bias? You can polish a turd as much as you like……… It also has to give airing to the counter argument of course in an effort to present an even case for viewers to make their own minds up. For many years now the media, or at least certain sections of it, have been performing the role of the ''official opposition'' to governments of all colours and in many cases thanks heavens or we wouldn't have learnt about some of the stuff like the expenses scandal etc. If government is trying to coerce a section of the media then we are back to fluff and spin again with image consultants the real king makers. Far better to get on with the manifesto pledges and let the end results justify your election or the whole thing undermines our democracy. I can understand why this whole PR exercise might be needed because we are living in La La Land at the moment and the real impacts onto everyone's life will start next month.

Update for anyone who didn't know.......... http://www.journallive.co.uk/north-east-news/todays-news/2010/08/31/third-academy-for-northumberland-is-shelved-61634-27169594/

Bedlington Community Centre.......31/08/2010.....RIP!

For anyone wanting a bit of highbrow entertainment........

Guess The Nationality??

Andy, Its the joke thread.............

You know its 2010 when................ 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" ------------------------------------------- Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------------------------------------- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. ------------------------------------------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------------------------------------- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------------------------------------- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ------------------------------------------- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ------------------------------------------- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) ------------------------------------------- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: £3,268----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? > A. Obsession ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? > A. All were invented by women. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

An interesting fact about AUGUST 2010 This AUGUST has 5 SUNDAYS 5 MONDAYS and 5 TUESDAYS ALL IN ONE MONTH. IT HAPPENS ONCE IN 823 YEARS.

BRIAN A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his ****ing' widow."

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license's of bald men? 15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post? 17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. 19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea , does that mean that one enjoys it?

Agenda for next meeting.......... Item 3 should be of interest to everyone! West Bedlington Community Partnership. Tuesday 14th September 2010 6-30 – 8-30pm Venue: The Salvation Army Hall Hartford Road Room No4. AGENDA 1. Welcome & Introductions 2. Apologies 3. Cllr Andrew Tebbutt, Executive Member for Corporate Resources, Northumberland County Council will speak about the impact of Government spending reductions on the Council's budget setting; future relationships with the voluntary sector and the future for service provision.” 4. Minutes of the meeting held on: Thursday 22nd July 2010 5. Matters Arising 6. Update from the Chair – Area Partnership and other matters. 7. Police update 8. Parish update 9. Bedlingtonshire Development Trust Update 10. A.O.B.

West Bedlington Community Partnership. Tuesday 14th September 2010 6-30 – 8-30pm Venue: The Salvation Army Hall Hartford Road Room No4. AGENDA 1. Welcome & Introductions 2. Apologies 3. Cllr Andrew Tebbutt, Executive Member for Corporate Resources, Northumberland County Council will speak about the impact of Government spending reductions on the Council's budget setting; future relationships with the voluntary sector and the future for service provision.” 4. Minutes of the meeting held on: Thursday 22nd July 2010 5. Matters Arising 6. Update from the Chair – Area Partnership and other matters. 7. Police update 8. Parish update 9. Bedlingtonshire Development Trust Update 10. A.O.B.

It has only just come out and I think GGGG might have been trying to find the time to put it up on the site.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American. He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , and New Zealand . In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it. The American decided to travel to Newcastle to see if Geordies had the same phone. He arrived at Newcastle Central Station and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 Pence per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'you're in Newcastle now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.

I read that report and I have to say I disagree with the last bit. All sex offenders in the community have rights to a private life, No they don't, they give up that right as soon as they are convicted, especially where children are concerned!