Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

No fun getting old............

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Tongue twister...............

Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead......

[Monsta®]

Tongue twister...............

Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead......

or packet of biscuits, packet of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer

[Malcolm Robinson]

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much ?"

- "you know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

[Malcolm Robinson]

I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night.

>

>

> The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair"?

>

>

> Apparently, the answer is Fiji .

>

[Malcolm Robinson]

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.

>

>

> All I said was, "will you people hurry up, some of us have a home to go to".

>

[Malcolm Robinson]

I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.

>

>

> I only asked for a bomber jacket.

[Malcolm Robinson]

As we progress through the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up £2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician. .

Oh, by the way.....

I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES AND VERY GOOD DAY…………..

AND A HEALTHY LIFE…………….

[Brian Cross]

I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!â€.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.

[Malcolm Robinson]

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses . . . . . .

He said no, but he had once told a donkey to !*!@# off.

[Malcolm Robinson]

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.

It is reported to have been listed in the Cornish Guardian.

[siz

e="5"]SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very

good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck,

hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight

dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get

home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call 01272-6420 and ask for

Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Truro RSPCA

[Malcolm Robinson]

Wor lass said the ground moved for her last night.

I was pretty smug until I read the papers.........

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Earthquake-Shakes-Homes-In-Cumbria-Earth-Tremor-Confirmed-By-US-Geological-Survey/Article/201001315864130?lpos=UK_News_First_Home_Article_Teaser_Region_3&lid=ARTICLE_15864130_Earthquake_Shakes_Homes_In_Cumbria%3A_Earth_Tremor_Confirmed_By_US_Geological_Survey

[Malcolm Robinson]

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she

immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought "These taser guns are well worth the money.”

[sizsells]

A builder walks up to a girl in a bar and brags about the size of his manhood and how long he can make love for, so she takes him home.

The next morning she says your not that BIG and you only lasted 2 mins.........

He says yes love but I,m a builder and that was only an estimate...

[Brian Cross]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

The 6 year old asks,

"You know what?

I think it's about time we started cussing.

"The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,

"When we go downstairs for breakfast,

I'm gonna say something with "hell"

and you say something with "ass".

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen

and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,

he replies,

"Aw, hell, Mom,

I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair,

tumbles across the kitchen floor,

gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,

with his mother in hot pursuit,

slapping his rear with every step.

His mom shut him in his room and shouts,

"You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs,

looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers,

"but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[bediesathome]

from one brian to another brian please keep the jokes coming .they are great .

[Brian Cross]

Golf and Whisky......

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?'"

"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow: "and that is why I am in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up

and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."

"Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad died?"

The doctor was amazed.

"You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive

How old is he?"

"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed

wi' me this mornin, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither weedram and that is why he is still alive.

He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:

"So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today"

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!!

Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Long one sorry............

Company Memo

--------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

--------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.

Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar"

desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!

We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[Malcolm Robinson]

Hope your feet are dry Brian....................thats not a joke!

[Brian Cross]

Hope your feet are dry Brian....................thats not a joke!

Yep not too bad here Mal we missed out on the worst of it but up north is a different picture.

[Brian Cross]

THIS IS PRICELESS

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts

and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new

CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a

wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that

he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a

week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400

a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came

back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,

"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and

asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[sizsells]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can- not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH, POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[sizsells]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A Member of Parliment was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the M.P. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The M.P, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know !*!@#?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Brian Cross]

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[Brian Cross]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those

expensive Double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He

was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago

and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am

automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his

fast-talking sales guy had told me LAST year. Namely, that in just

ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally

just hung up....He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed

about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't

underestimate a blonde anymore!