Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

Well mine is anyway...........

[Malcolm Robinson]

Sadly not a joke...............

Three government contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool ..

They go with a government official to examine the wall..

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, ...... is how it all works.

[Malcolm Robinson]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,

Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind

their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now

seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation

said, "Land mines.”

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

[Malcolm Robinson]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but

they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm

and walks to the gate.

" McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it

over his shoulder.

" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he

walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and

tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a cop sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. Says he to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 125."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Importance of Exercise:

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old

To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing

Home at £3000 per month.

My grandpa started walking

Five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old

And we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,

Especially when they are taken

By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking

Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,

Before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,

Spent about £400

Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day

Is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise

The last few years,......

Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,

Because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much

About how I look,

I just find a Happy Hour

And by the time I leave,

I look just fine.

[Brian Cross]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball seemed to hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels absolutely great,..... but I still think my thumb's broken!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Marriage............

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant,

have a little beverage, good food and companionship.

She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in Ashington, and mine is in Bedlington.

3. I take my wife everywhere,

but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric

toaster and electric bread maker.

She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well

because there was water in the carburettor.

I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late

for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her

first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.

My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

DEMENTIA QUIZ:

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON, WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,

THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.

NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,

BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIMEAS

YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:

IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE.....?

(SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....

WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:

VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:

THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.

DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.

TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.

ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.

NOW ADD 10.. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!

TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3... NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???

2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.

HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,

I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.

BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.

NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE

HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??

IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

[Malcolm Robinson]

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church.

After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.

An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.

"I'm the blind man," came the reply.

The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.

They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.

They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said,

"where do you want the blinds?"

[Malcolm Robinson]

very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

(keep reading)

"My Rolex !!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1.

A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddendly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with One of his medications.

�Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA.

5.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . .

' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6.

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' �It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste. Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced

A foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:-

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli ,a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek,a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said "Sorry, I cant let you in without a Thai"

[Malcolm Robinson]

A US Navy Aircraft Carrier anchors off Mississippi

for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the

ship's Captain received the following note from

the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter

Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send

four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers

in their formal dress uniforms to attend the

dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM

prepared for an evening of polite Southern

conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as

they will be the escorts of lovely refined young

ladies. One last point: No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the

captain replied: Madam, thank you for your

invitation. In order to present the widest

possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I

am sending four of my best and most prized

officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a

graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters

degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship

design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our

helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern

University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical

Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD are in

Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering from Texas

Tech University and he is also an astronaut

candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant,

with degrees in both computer systems and

information technology from SMU and he is awaiting

notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal

Tech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a

lieutenant commander, is our ship?s doctor, with

an undergraduate degree from the University of

Georgia and his medical degree is from the

University of North Carolina . We are very proud

of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma

Surgery at Bethesda .

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda?s mother was

quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with

pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four

handsome naval officers without peer (and the

other women in her social circle would be insanely

jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother

heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to

find, in full dress uniform, four handsome,

smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but

pulling herself together, she stammered, "There

must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first

officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes a mistake."

[Poppylass]

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Poppylass]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[David S]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

[Poppylass]

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man ....

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

----------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice.

[Merlin]

President Clinton tried and failed,

President Bush tried and failed,

President Obama tried and succeeded!

The moral of this story:- If you want somebody killed, Hire a black man! :dribble:

[Cympil]

Obama briefly but proudly addressed the top secret raid that killed Bin Laden, public enemy Number 1. "I think we can all agree this is a good day for America," he said. "Today we are reminded that as a nation there is nothing we can't do."

Bet you can't put a Rowntree's Fruit Pastille in your mouth without chewing it

[Malcolm Robinson]

COPPER WIRE.........

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire , Jack Arkwright,a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely sod all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!

[Brett]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you !*!@# me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a

new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS : Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.

[Malcolm Robinson]

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer

> and

> the Irish Railway Company.

>

> Gentlemen,

> I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the

> service

> on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing

> in

> the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation

> system

> is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

> Yours truly,

> Patrick Finnegan

>

> --------------------------------

>

> Dear Mr. Finnegan,

> We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service

> and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of

> transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot..

> Sincerely,

> Irish Railway Company

> -----------------------------------

>

> Gentlemen,

> I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are

> confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of

> David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.

> That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in

> the last two years!

> Yours truly,

> Patrick Finnegan.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Not very PC!!!!!!!!

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her bum. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

You're through to PC World technical support how may I help you? 'I am having trouble finding the net'

Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir? 'Yes. It's Fernando Torres'

Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."

The barman says, "That's not like you."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil

Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"

husband says ''that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

A young Arab asks his father: -

What is this weird hat that we are wearing.

Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!

Tell me, papa?

- Yes, my son?-

Then, why the heck are we living in Bradford?

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement………………It was a mortar attack.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today. I said what did u say?

He said the c word. I said it wasn't clever, was it? He said no, it was……………….

A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan, Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?" "No," he replies, "Newcastle"

"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.

"Pretty much the same as this bloody place!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.

The locals are said to be in a state of shock........; They had no idea they had a job centre!

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees, apparently she'd stood him up

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?

Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a beautiful woman she appears out of blooming nowhere!

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out .

They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was

only when I had undressed, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

The 1st volume of " How to understand women” in its pocket version: