Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Cympil]

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "Can I have a gin and ...

... tonic, please?"

The barman serves him and then asks "So, why the big pause?"

The polar bear says "Oh, I've always had them."

[Cympil]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. `'What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and

another and

another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest, How

moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

"£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

Wait for it..........

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[Guest MONGO]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. `'What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and

another and

another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest, How

moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

"£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

Wait for it..........

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[Guest MONGO]

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.

The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!

The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.

[Cympil]

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.

The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!

The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.

:lol: :lol:

[Guest MONGO]

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC

[Cympil]

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC

:lol:

[Cympil]

Letters To Islington Council`s Housing Department

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my !*!@# off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he

put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my

fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.

My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his !*!@# wakes me up and it's getting too much.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

[Cympil]

I have managed to get hold of some hands-free kits for mobile phones and I wondered if you might like one. I got them for free, so it won't cost you anything either.

The beauty of these kits is that they are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. If you are interested just let me know how many you want.

If you're interested then I've managed to get hold of a photo of one of these kits being used ....

Click HERE to see it

[Guest MONGO]

I have managed to get hold of some hands-free kits for mobile phones and I wondered if you might like one. I got them for free, so it won't cost you anything either.

The beauty of these kits is that they are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. If you are interested just let me know how many you want.

If you're interested then I've managed to get hold of a photo of one of these kits being used ....

Click HERE to see it

[Malcolm Robinson]

Press Release

International Rugby Board (IRB) Rugby World Cup 2007

Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organizing Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1) The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no one appreciates them.

2) The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents' heads.

3) The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents' dressing room.

4) Unfortunately the Committee was unable to accept the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual".

5) Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition's territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and have to be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

6) Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim that they have been there for centuries.

7) The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a blockbuster film called 'Saving Flanker Ryan'.

Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

9) The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female officials and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will flog to the crowd for a fortune.

10) The Japanese will shock fans buy demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientific research by harpooning an opposition prop.

11) The French won't have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match.

12) The Australians will have a BBQ on their side of the field and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol will be in abundance and by the start of the game no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody good night.

13) The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the first half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break. Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the Rugby World Cup due to lack of players.

14) Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and filling it with burning embers. They invite the opposition over by saying, "We'd like to have you for dinner". It's only when the opposition get to the pit that they realize there is no meat and that they are the dinner!

Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems in this area of the game should cease to exists.

Regards,

Syd Miller

IRB Chairman

THE INTERNATIONAL RUGBY BOARD

Huguenot House 35-38 St Stephen's Green Dublin 2 Ireland

[Hamburger Pimp]

Comedy, eh? It's all about timing.

[Cympil]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here is your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to

represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that

represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"

[Cympil]

The dental deal---

Tom, a Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir"

"£85?", Tom replies. "Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," replies the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5. But it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said Tom. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?

[Malcolm Robinson]

[Malcolm Robinson]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked

behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were

running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:

"Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!"

[Mr Darn]

my new girlfriend has got a tattoo of a sea shell on the top of her inner thigh.....

Its amazing!, if u put ur ear to it u can actually smell the sea .....

[Cympil]

my new girlfriend has got a tattoo of a sea shell on the top of her inner thigh.....

Its amazing!, if u put ur ear to it u can actually smell the sea .....

:lol:

[Malcolm Robinson]

my new girlfriend has got a tattoo of a sea shell on the top of her inner thigh.....

Its amazing!, if u put ur ear to it u can actually smell the sea .....

Oh dear........

[Malcolm Robinson]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were

swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that

inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by

His old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and

lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he

thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,

he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to

the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,

come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the

Enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've Changed."

...

...

...

...

...

...

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

[Malcolm Robinson]

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you f#??*@! asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[Cympil]

:lol:

[Malcolm Robinson]

A tourist visiting a far away country in the heart of god knows where

walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the

shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop

and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to

the officer saying, "That'll be £5,000 please Sergeant"

The Sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a

very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why

did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test

operator, can write twenty tickets a week, can deploy Stinger at a

moments notice, knows all there is to know on traffic legislation and

is authorised by the Chief of Police in pursuit driving - well worth

the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more

expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that ones a firearms training monkey , it can instruct other

monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical

Training, Small Unit Tactics and investigative techniques, and even

type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of

£15,000. "That one must be even better? What does it do?"

That one is a general duties monkey, he is required to know everything

about anything, be there yesterday, and then duplicate the information

12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different

departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys cant

see anymore, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by

everyone who passes by, and takes the blame for everything all the

other monkeys do wrong."

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey

in a cage of it's own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He

gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put

together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything

yet, but it says it's a Detective!"

[Monsta®]

A tourist visiting a far away country in the heart of god knows where

walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the

shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop

and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to

the officer saying, "That'll be £5,000 please Sergeant"

The Sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a

very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why

did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test

operator, can write twenty tickets a week, can deploy Stinger at a

moments notice, knows all there is to know on traffic legislation and

is authorised by the Chief of Police in pursuit driving - well worth

the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more

expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that ones a firearms training monkey , it can instruct other

monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical

Training, Small Unit Tactics and investigative techniques, and even

type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of

£15,000. "That one must be even better? What does it do?"

That one is a general duties monkey, he is required to know everything

about anything, be there yesterday, and then duplicate the information

12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different

departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys cant

see anymore, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by

everyone who passes by, and takes the blame for everything all the

other monkeys do wrong."

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey

in a cage of it's own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He

gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put

together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything

yet, but it says it's a Detective!"

another fine "cut n paste" joke there!