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Pencil_Neck

By Pencil_Neck
in Talk of the Town

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Pencil_Neck

Pencil_Neck

Posted
Posted

Some of the not so famous Irish related quotes

Remember, all you untrained Irish lads, the tin foil is not to be used in an

emergency. It is only there to stop the product from Perishing

* British Labour MP JOE ASHTON commenting on the 1985 liberalisation of

Ireland's condom laws. He suggested a new brand called

Thick Micks.

Jack Charlton's team of international misfits

* ITV commentator in build up to Italia '90

Bono, 26, is the charismatic pony-tailed singer and his rock band, U2,

became Britain's most exciting act since The Beatles

* THE SUNDAY TIMES quick to acknowledge one of their own

Mountjoy (Dublin's main Jail) was absolute hell, a total nightmare... It was the worst time of

my entire life. I thought I was going to be killed, but

the prisoners were alright

* JOHNNY ROTTEN of The Sex Pistols

As a kid, being Irish was being different, so I always told everybody that

I was Irish. My parents had all these rebel songs on

albums... So I just feel that I have a bit of Irish in me. I've got an

Irish boyfriend, so I've had quite a bit of Irish in me quite a few times

* BOY GEORGE

It looks like the sort of game that should be illegal

* BRETT ANDERSON of pop group Suede on hurling (Gaelic Sport)

It's just real cool to be here and to meet real Irish people straight from

Ireland. My family come from the Mulligan, Sheridan, O'Connell, you know

what I'm saying?

* EVERLAST, singer with American rappers House Of Pain

All they got in LA is sun-tanned faggots. Not like the real men you got

here in Dublin

* Rock star JON BON JOVI

You Irish must be nuts. Imagine Catholics killing Protestants and

Protestants killing Catholics. Why don't the Catholics and

Protestants get together and kill all the !*!@# ?

* New York cabbie to SEAMUS MARTIN of The Irish Times

Faith and Begorra, there's no better way to begin an Irish fling than with

O'Delta Airlines

* DELTA AIRLINES brochure

I'm glad for the fans back in Ireland

* ALAN McLOUGHLIN (RoI) speaking in Belfast after his famous Windsor Park

equaliser (N. Ireland 1-1 R. of Ireland)

Hello Dublin!

* DAVID BOWIE on stage in Slane, Co. Meath

Hello London!

* Singer STEVIE NICKS on stage in Dublin

Tell me Phil, why did you leave Genesis?

* New York socialite to Derry composer PHIL COULTER

Mr Paisley has never had a good word to say about anyone

other than himself and Jesus Christ, whom he refers to as His Maker - a

Rather poor testimonial

* Writer JAMES CAMERON

The people of Dublin are equally as British as the English, if not more so

* Ulster Protestant candidate Mr. MICHAEL BROOKS makes a brave but doomed

bid for a Donegal Dail (Republic Parliment) seat, 1987

Get married again

* Taoiseach (Irish PM) CHARLES HAUGHEY to woman asking for an increase in the widow's

pension

After the break we'll have more comedy in 'Cheers'

* RTE continuity announcer after highlights of The Republic's 1-4 home

defeat by Denmark

A blonde decides to do something she hasn't done before, and goes to the

video store to rent her first X-rated adult video. After looking around the

store, she selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and

puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment

there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain

stating,

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there is nothing on the tape but

static."

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did

you rent?"

The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She

spends$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she

stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the

salesclerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A

little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the

same question.She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I

am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the

bus home,she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my

eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell

how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your

panties.

Then, I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the

empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says,

"What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands down her panties and

begins to feel around. After several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47." Stunned, the woman says,

"That's amazing. How do you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560

monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter,and of course

all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns,

the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and

get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for

the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order tomake a hole

large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and

land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a

short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into

consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a

location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because

they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from

the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of

paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's

talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING.

Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice

and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about

the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and

wonder

what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs

the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot,

hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly

confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still

standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these

two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

----BOOM!----

Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in

a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't

believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use

of explosives is not covered.He still had yet to make the first of those

$560 a month payments!

Denzel

Denzel

Posted
Posted
Fat & bald man :blink:

I'd have thought Matt Lucas would have been a more contemporary reference. Still, I forgot you're into all that sci-fi nonsense. B-b-b-b-b-b-beam me up Scotty.

Pencil_Neck

Pencil_Neck

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'd have thought Matt Lucas would have been a more contemporary reference. Still, I forgot you're into all that sci-fi nonsense. B-b-b-b-b-b-beam me up Scotty.

Not with your frame my lad :lol:

Hamburger Pimp

Hamburger Pimp

Posted
Posted

Ah, but think on, what exactly is "Friday stuff"? Dull, unamusing american cut and paste webtardery?

I can't go for that (no can do).

If a chap can't share a collection of boss tunes from the wizard of the bontempi keyboard, who also used to be Jilted John, then I fear the terrorists have already won.

Denzel

Denzel

Posted
Posted

An excellent point and very well argued. Give me Mr Fellowes above cutting and pasting from US 'humor' [sic] sites any day of the week.

All hail the Colonel.

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