What's The Crack, Jack?

[Denzel]

Make it two Denzel and al leave straight away.

They've got your name on them!

[Pete]

They've got your name on them!

On me way, cheers pal.

[Denzel]

On me way, cheers pal.

Always a pleasure, never a chore.

[Denzel]

Liza Tarbuck's knockers:-

Rabbits - great pets, and you can eat them too

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar - funny as funk

Mull Historical Society - singer/songwriter in 'not miserable' shocker

Jose 'Pepe' Reina - comedy goalkeeping Steven Harper would be proud of

A Flock of Seagulls - principally, the video for 'I Ran'

Mental as Anything's 'Live it Up' - see above

Setanta Sports - watching the Old Firm derby - for nowt!

Guinness - got the taste for it again; it's all about the craic, apparently

ITV3 - Lovejoy

Richard Keys (now depilated) hands:-

Influenza - the menopause with a sore throat attached

Daddy longlegs - what did you do before lightbulbs were invented?

Titus Bramble - oh dear

Match of the Day - 'first off, we're at Stamford Bridge...', yawn

Mates with twisty-arsed, opinionated bitches in tow - give them a slap, that's how they learn

Dogging - it's become too fashionable; Johnny-come-lately's stay away (no pun intended)

Pink - cheer up and stop shootin' on woman

Heartburn - not as enjoyable as Heartbeat

Celebrity Masterchef - what next? 'Celebrity First-fix Joiner?' 'Celebrity Bricklaying Squad?'

Slugs - slimy little sods

[Dave]

Liza Tarbuck's knockers:-

Rabbits - great pets, and you can eat them too

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar - funny as funk

Mull Historical Society - singer/songwriter in 'not miserable' shocker

Jose 'Pepe' Reina - comedy goalkeeping Steven Harper would be proud of

A Flock of Seagulls - principally, the video for 'I Ran'

Mental as Anything's 'Live it Up' - see above

Setanta Sports - watching the Old Firm derby - for nowt!

Guinness - got the taste for it again; it's all about the craic, apparently

ITV3 - Lovejoy

Richard Keys (now depilated) hands:-

Influenza - the menopause with a sore throat attached

Daddy longlegs - what did you do before lightbulbs were invented?

Titus Bramble - oh dear

Match of the Day - 'first off, we're at Stamford Bridge...', yawn

Mates with twisty-arsed, opinionated bitches in tow - give them a slap, that's how they learn

Dogging - it's become too fashionable; Johnny-come-lately's stay away (no pun intended)

Pink - cheer up and stop shootin' on woman

Heartburn - not as enjoyable as Heartbeat

Celebrity Masterchef - what next? 'Celebrity First-fix Joiner?' 'Celebrity Bricklaying Squad?'

Slugs - slimy little sods

I agree and since i've started to pay my license fee i complain all the time ... about crappy reality shows , like that singing one... maria something??? what was all that about? crap!! , and hospital dramas , anything containing lenny henry, and that

great big useless fat **** Chris Moyles who i have to put up with in the office every morning , i mean how is listening to a boring Leeds fan = entertainment

[Denzel]

I agree and since i've started to pay my license fee i complain all the time ... about crappy reality shows , like that singing one... maria something??? what was all that about? crap!! , and hospital dramas , anything containing lenny henry, and that

great big useless fat **** Chris Moyles who i have to put up with in the office every morning , i mean how is listening to a boring Leeds fan = entertainment

I just don't see the point in taking an amateur into a situation where they are criticised by a professional chef. What's the point? Of course the food isn't going to be good enough, that's why you sods charge exorbitant fees in your restaurants.

[Pete]

I agree and since i've started to pay my license fee i complain all the time ... about crappy reality shows , like that singing one... maria something??? what was all that about? crap!! , and hospital dramas , anything containing lenny henry, and that

great big useless fat **** Chris Moyles who i have to put up with in the office every morning , i mean how is listening to a boring Leeds fan = entertainment

I agree with you 100% and its time they kicked off all of those, this is how your house should be decorated programes and your garden should look like this, it must have decking and a water feture. While were at it Coronation st, Eastenders and all that type of rubish should be baned but I like Heartbeat.

[Pencil_Neck]

I agree with you 100% and its time they kicked off all of those, this is how your house should be decorated programes and your garden should look like this, it must have decking and a water feture. While were at it Coronation st, Eastenders and all that type of rubish should be baned but I like Heartbeat.

I would like them to come & do my garden......

[Dave]

I agree with you 100% and its time they kicked off all of those, this is how your house should be decorated programes and your garden should look like this, it must have decking and a water feture. While were at it Coronation st, Eastenders and all that type of rubish should be baned but I like Heartbeat.

See the BBC are flogging there own tonight with a half hour of outtakes from Rub a Dub enders

Who the hell wants to see a borderline boiler ( ann robinson ) that looks like she needs a good doing

showing a load of crap acting from a bunch of cockney wan*ers - call that entertainment cos i dont!!! I wouldnt be bothered but i couldnt go out as im out early trmw and im stuck with the choice of Watching sea birds get it on ( BBC 2 ) and Ian Beal get his lines wrong again ....hilarious.. they can shove their license fee up their !*!@# .

[Denzel]

I would like them to come & do my garden......

I think Steptoe and Son would be of more use.

[Pete]

See the BBC are flogging there own tonight with a half hour of outtakes from Rub a Dub enders

Who the hell wants to see a borderline boiler ( ann robinson ) that looks like she needs a good doing

showing a load of crap acting from a bunch of cockney wan*ers - call that entertainment cos i dont!!! I wouldnt be bothered but i couldnt go out as im out early trmw and im stuck with the choice of Watching sea birds get it on ( BBC 2 ) and Ian Beal get his lines wrong again ....hilarious.. they can shove their license fee up their !*!@# .

I Completely agree.

[Denzel]

See the BBC are flogging there own tonight with a half hour of outtakes from Rub a Dub enders

Who the hell wants to see a borderline boiler ( ann robinson ) that looks like she needs a good doing

showing a load of crap acting from a bunch of cockney wan*ers - call that entertainment cos i dont!!! I wouldnt be bothered but i couldnt go out as im out early trmw and im stuck with the choice of Watching sea birds get it on ( BBC 2 ) and Ian Beal get his lines wrong again ....hilarious.. they can shove their license fee up their !*!@# .

Hello? Steve? It's Mr Angry from Bedlington here. I'm so angry I could throw the phone down....

[Pencil_Neck]

Vote for:

Fifa World Player of the Year shortlist:

Adriano (Inter Milan, Brazil), Michael Ballack (Chelsea, Germany), Gianluigi Buffon (Juventus, Italy), Fabio Cannavaro (Real Madrid, Italy), Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United, Portugal), Petr Cech (Chelsea, Czech Republic), Deco (Barcelona, Portugal), Didier Drogba (Chelsea, Ivory Coast), Michael Essien (Chelsea, Ghana), Samuel Eto'o (Barcelona, Cameroon), Luis Figo (Inter Milan, Portugal), Gennaro Gattuso (AC Milan, Italy), Steven Gerrard (Liverpool, England), Thierry Henry (Arsenal, France), Kaka (AC Milan, Brazil), Miroslav Klose (Werder Bremen, Germany), Philippe Lahm (Bayern Munich, Germany), Frank Lampard (Chelsea, England), Jens Lehmann (Arsenal, Germany), Alessandro Nesta (AC Milan, Italy), Andrea Pirlo (AC Milan, Italy), Franck Ribery (Marseille, France), Juan Roman Riquelme (Villarreal, Argentina), Ronaldinho (Barcelona, Brazil), Wayne Rooney (Manchester United, England), Tomas Rosicky (Arsenal, Czech Republic), Andriy Shevchenko (Chelsea, Ukraine), Lilian Thuram (Barcelona, France), Patrick Vieira (Inter Milan, France), Zinedine Zidane (retired, France).

[Denzel]

Vote for:

Fifa World Player of the Year shortlist:

Adriano (Inter Milan, Brazil), Michael Ballack (Chelsea, Germany), Gianluigi Buffon (Juventus, Italy), Fabio Cannavaro (Real Madrid, Italy), Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United, Portugal), Petr Cech (Chelsea, Czech Republic), Deco (Barcelona, Portugal), Didier Drogba (Chelsea, Ivory Coast), Michael Essien (Chelsea, Ghana), Samuel Eto'o (Barcelona, Cameroon), Luis Figo (Inter Milan, Portugal), Gennaro Gattuso (AC Milan, Italy), Steven Gerrard (Liverpool, England), Thierry Henry (Arsenal, France), Kaka (AC Milan, Brazil), Miroslav Klose (Werder Bremen, Germany), Philippe Lahm (Bayern Munich, Germany), Frank Lampard (Chelsea, England), Jens Lehmann (Arsenal, Germany), Alessandro Nesta (AC Milan, Italy), Andrea Pirlo (AC Milan, Italy), Franck Ribery (Marseille, France), Juan Roman Riquelme (Villarreal, Argentina), Ronaldinho (Barcelona, Brazil), Wayne Rooney (Manchester United, England), Tomas Rosicky (Arsenal, Czech Republic), Andriy Shevchenko (Chelsea, Ukraine), Lilian Thuram (Barcelona, France), Patrick Vieira (Inter Milan, France), Zinedine Zidane (retired, France).

Apropos of what, exactly?