Contributor Leaderboard

A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sitting in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, “I’m going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!” Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around, puts his thumb up and says, “Thanks mate!” The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesn’t pay too much attention to it. The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is a black guy sitting in the corner, so the man, again, goes to the bar, turns around and says, “I’m going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that black guy over there!” The patrons are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity. When he buys the last pint, the black guy turns around, puts his thumb up and says, “Thanks mate!” The racist scratches his head and asks the barman, “Why is that black guy thanking me when he’s the only person I’m not buying drinks for?” “Well” the barman responds, “he owns this place.”

If the UK border is at Calais, then what are all those French fishermen doing in our waters?

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a man!' "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."