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QUICKIES Low Battery A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal. Government Survey A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor. I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the missus look like she's moving during intercourse. Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls! Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.50/min (charges may vary). Valentine's Day Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker. Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England. If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

agree with mercury (am worried now as I seem to agree too often with him) you could drink the 'brown' - even the draymen wouldn't touch 'amber' - or you could always lay aside the snakebite for a serious dose of 'double diamond' or for those hardened 'clubbers' (different definition these days) try a pint of 'mixed' -- fed ordinary and fed special. ,,,,, and for those morning after visits to the 'club' start with a rum and pep - just to settle the stomach!!!