Malcolm Robinson

They already have their banners and have had for a couple of years so I am told. Just one mercuryg, and thats pints or aliens!

Security status: The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Puns: 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my Electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.' 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain , they name him 'Juan'; the other went to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.' 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

How Fights Start My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started.... ****************************************** My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... ****************************************** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ****************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started..... ***************************************** My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started... ****************************************** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station. And then the fight started.... ****************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... ****************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ****************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ****************************************** A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

Thanks Mrs. Vic but I said asperational not a pipe dream!!!!! As for us all sitting down with needle and thread, isn't there a flag manufacturer up the coast a little ways.......I presume.........? Without a clear vision or even direction for Bedders trying to come up with something to represent where we would like to see our town sometime down the line is the difficult bit.

Right bit more gen........... It is a vertical banner type flag which is being thought about for use in the Market Place and maybe one or two other sites. It will be wholly about Bedlington and suggestions are being sought so please make them. For my tuppence worth yes of course historical and popular contemporary references will be made but maybe we can get an asperational symbol included too? Course that is the hard part......... I would also suggest a tag line along the bottom, Bedlington.co.uk! Nice work Neil for the Terriers.......any thoughts?

On the face of it looks just another scare story but take into account this is how government legislation is introduced these days, give someone a non attributable leak and let them run the story then assess public reaction, it may well have some truth in it. I find it incredibly banal to say on one hand that this will enhance high streets while all the time looking at ways to cover all parking places with taxes and we have just witnessed the fiasco in Wansbeck with the county now saying they had no intention of introducing parking charges through out. Government nationally and locally must be ecstatic at the thought of getting into a new stream of motor based taxes and hiding behind some whishy washy 'green' argument to do it. I think anything which will raise income for gov will be given serious attention as they try to address the debt mountain the county has now.

If members had some input into ideas for a Bedlington banner has anyone got any suggestions as to what should be included? I suppose the dog has to feature but what about references to Bedlington's rich industrial heritage? (Sensible suggestions please Monsta!)

There is talk about maybe a mobile ice rink for a time....... Good idea.....yes/no?

So is this the 'official' site for the town? http://communities.northumberland.gov.uk/Bedlington.htm As it stands, no-one has any real argument for any content thats removed I presume this is from an aggrieved poster's perspective? Don't the mods give a reason as to a posts removal?

I can understand where you are coming from Mr D and see the validity of your premise but what you are describing could easily be assigned to every 'forum' site where mods are employed as they will censor posts as they see fit within a set of rules and regulations for that site. I think the rules and regs for this site are really quite 'open' and I can't see any sinister Big Brother hand laying down a hard blueprint for postings. As for 'officially backed', I think that is more down to a lack of foresight and vision by the 'officials' in question, or the fact that they will not be able to control content, than anything lacking within the site. In fact I would take heart that a community site such as this has become the de-facto site for the town and more power to its elbow for achieving that.

GGGG, Might be worth doing a poll to elicit something we can all get behind for the new Market Place? Maybe even sending it to every contact in the membership list? With enough backing it should have enough critical mass to be presented to at least the new Town Council for consideration.

I too disagree with your post Mr Darn. This web site was originally developed in direct response to what WDC had up for the town, a typically dismal effort! It has always been a community web site, a decision made on day one, and quickly established itself, at the time, as the premier web site in the county if not the North East! Of course there were and are costs involved, in time, ability and finance and these have mostly if not always been born by one person but as for some shadowy hand controlling editorial content that is a joke. This topic would have been scratched after being put up on a lot of sites I use because they just don't allow critique of themselves. The very fact that this is a community site means the mods have a responsibility to maintain certain standards and their powers of censorship are used sparingly from what I see and read sometimes!

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

RECTUM STRETCHER While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded The cop stammered, 'A what?............... A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it' s about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot !*!@#?' he asked 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat, a rumour. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said: "Socrates, Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" said the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say". "The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "Well No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and....." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary....." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the Filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me or make me happy?" "Well No, not really....." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated, ashamed and walked away. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem - it also explains why he never found out Plato was shagging his wife.

Fitting epitaph Joe I am sure many would endorse your comments. Insidious disease which seems to be touching more and more people.

Stephen, Good to see some things don't change, clear concise conversation from an involved politico, refreshing change! As for these parking charges, as I said, I have yet to hear one valid reason for implementing them other than 'Other parts of the county have them so we must roll them out across the whole authority'. That is an excuse not a reasoned argument for and in Bedlington's case utter madness. As well as an impact onto the already burgeoned business community there is also the fact that the car using general public will have to suffer what will be seen as another stealth tax on their normal day to day activities. I am naive enough to think a council's job is to work with all sections of a community to make lives easier not harder. This Parish/Town council set up looks to be a lost opportunity to me. County is far too ungainly and top heavy now with not necessarily the right people in the right jobs! Having lost more representative voices than we retained, and let's not forget how Bedlingtonshire faired with almost half the elected make up of WDC, this reduced presence in a greater arena will undoubtedly mean even less heed given to the needs of this part of the county. (Maybe the parking charge scenario will be a watershed or an example?) With Parish councils loosing all semblance of control over major departments within local government what exactly is their point? Splitting Bedlingtonshire up into a myriad of parish boundaries is a mistake as it has reduced an already feeble voice into nothingness! We should have reinvented BUDC and reinstated it into the council offices on Front Street and given it control over most if not all aspects of local governance within its boundary. County could have retained the major services, fire, education, health etc, and we could have contracted them for any ancillary services as needed. Being dictated to from a room in the Ivory towers in Ashington could well end up an infinitely better proposition than what is happening now as we don't really even know where to throw the stones!

Blank, Petition organised and handed out to all local Bedders shop keepers! These parking charges are just a dumb idea especially for places like Bedlington which have always had distressed economic areas. County seem intent on applying them to Wansbeck and Blyth alike but interesting letter in NPL recently about the possible connection between application time and election of MP! Netto and Tesco, if it ever gets built the way it said, will provide free parking spaces but only for their customers. In Tesco's case a 2 hour limit has been cited and how it will be policed is anyone's guess. It is a well thought out plan if the end result is to have all independent businesses in the town closed. They will soon have the largest national retailer to compete against, as well as one of the cheaper brands, and council will tie their hands behind their backs by imposing a tax on coming into Bedlington to use the facilities they offer whilst being unable to level the playing field by imposing charges on the big boys. It is short sighted, spiteful and vindictive and no one as yet has given a valid reason for implementing parking charges in Bedlington. Stephen, Be good to hear what you think this re-org is rolling out like, if this is the 'right' Stephen I am thinking about?

A French one......I know, I know, say no more!!!!!!!!! Has any ISP heard of customer service?

Thanks very much everyone. Just got back online after a 2 1/2 month dispute with my old ISP! Last time someone acted like they do half the world fell down and worshiped them!

Certainly part of a 'progressive' conservation area, which has just been extended!!!!!!!

How does switching improve your chances? 2 doors 50/50 aint it????????

When are you back Brian? Better hurry up before all the boozers are shut!

Well it seems we now have a Town Council instead of a Parish council? What is the difference........the councillors get to elect a mayor. Take a bow Councillor Pegg errr....... Mayor of West Bedlington Town Council. http://www.newspostleader.co.uk/latest/Par...atus.5434673.jp