Malcolm Robinson

been playing with the thesaurus on word!

Don't know how to monsta, just playing.....

Old Biker

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: £1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50

HANDJOB: £10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Firstly in order to get dole money the person has to attend a Goverment run factory and work 5 x 8 hour shifts.

There would be a creche to look after their kids here and the product would be irrelevant.

This is the suff of a 40's 50's satirical SF novel. Personally I don't think we are too far away from that now it just takes a nudge over into a full Nanny State dreamt up by some of our beloved politicians!

Secondly prisons are full, expensive to run, and far too soft.

Contract them out to foreign countries and pay them to house our scum.

Tried that, we call it Australia!

He does have a point that bloke.

Erm... is he racist?

To paraphrase the guy seems,

"A sophistical rhetorican, inebrieted with the exuberance of his own verbosity"

Was watching it Dave, switched it off, England were rubbish.

DIRE!

Found this site and thought i`d share

http://www.capc.co.uk/politically_incorrect_nostalgia.htm

[/quote

Brilliant Black Label vid!

You are Colonel John "HANNIBAL" Smith.

Preferred him as Banacek.

Is this monsta??????????

(only for the zealots!)

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=418_1176494781

I guess its back to innuendo then........

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly, undressed, slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

Three-nil to Mike Baldwin's army of heroes.

Anyone think the manager will make changes to what is actually a winning team and one which seems to play well together? Do we really need the likes of Rooney, Lampard, Becks etc.

Might be a bit rude?

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

Will someone remind me NEVER to click a HP link again!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

if someone turned round today and said, Right. I own this land, so anyone who wants a bit of it needs to pay me for the privilidge.

Mr O,

Always reminds me of the joke about the poacher and the land owner.

The land owner catches a burley poacher fishing on his river and tells him to get off his land. The poacher asks who says it is his land? The land owner says his ancesters fought alongside the king and were so good at the fighting that the king gave them this land. The poachers then says, "Well OK matey, boy take your coat off and I will fight you for it now!"

Once installed a ruling elite take some shifting!

Less than 5% of the people own over 95% of the land in England and it has been that way for a long long time.

"as i said, i know we might need it, but come on! their has to be an easier way!"

There has to be a better, fairer way but we seem to going in the opposite direction?

Smoking Ban Improves Health

Damn those interfering politically-correct meddling bureaucrats and their do-gooding ways! Damn them to hell!

HP,

Have you read Fahrenheit 451 I bet the same reasons would have been used!

Local council or not, will we ever see any change?

Will it really make a difference?

Blank,

we will see a change straight away as the vast majority of councillors are made redundant. Yes I know that ain’t such a bad thing but there will probably be one “real” councillor for the whole of Bedders so how will you find them. Will they belong to one political party thereby alienating them from the majority? You will have to vote for them so there will have to be an election and as we have been grossly underrepresented at both district and county levels for years how will getting rid of 90% of our representatives help in that respect.

The list could go on and that is just one small side issue; more importantly how will moving a lot of service departments 100’s of miles away help? Yes it might save a few bob in the short term but how will local people who are supposed to be served by them access them, you won’t be able to go to the Bedlington council offices, they are to be sold! So changes, yes from the word go, you will have to change how you pay and access local government.

As for a local council you can see that campaign has started! The nub of the problem is, what will it be in charge of and will it be cost effective? It could easily be another layer of local tax for something which is, to all extents, valueless as far as the vast majority are concerned.

Pete,

the older I get the more suspicious I become of all politicians. As far as I am concerned the country is not the democratic utopia so many of our fore-fathers died trying to protect, it is becoming an Orwellian nightmare and we only have ourselves to blame! We now have full-time politicians, it is the only job they have ever had, so they have no real world experience as they have been wrapped up in their own cosseted existence! In times past they were the products of “rotten boroughs” where someone who wanted to be an MP or whatever could buy his seat, haven’t times changed, or not when we see central party candidates imposed on constituencies!

Somehow the democratic ideals we are supposed to hold so close to our hearts have been usurped by a dictatorial style of government and we have let them get away with it because of a sense of apathy! Their only job is to facilitate and implement the will of their electorate, that has been callously changed into; you do what we tell you to do, in the best traditions of Animal Farm and 1984, which lets remember were written as satires on Stalinist Russia not Blair/Brown’s Britain!

Well if you're gonna be in Bedlington mid October I'll hold you to that!

M - ex COT

Ahh,ha........ its nice to put a face to a name!

Chio bambino!

Thanks very much people,

the ales on me!

Many thanks Cympil.......... yes the dementia is approaching,

Now who's birthday was it today?

Malcilom: At age 95 you will die from wounds delivered by a blender after trying to make your sixteenth magarita of the day. (And it's on 3:00pm, shame on you!)

Sounds good to me!

The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the

mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the

whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with

big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine

cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing

lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful blonde woman

in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him into

the house and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she made the

most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced. When he had enough

they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs,

potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange

juice. Then she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was

pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom

edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to do? He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar!"

The blonde then said brightly, "The breakfast was my idea!"

Looking at the proposals for the new soopa coouncil for Northumberland anyone else get a tingling down the back of your neck. Selling off local assets, moving services 250 miles away, 100's if not 1000's of redundencies, decimating local representation and the list goes on. Now I am all for change but the changes I would like to see should be made to empower local people not take it away!

Never thought I would say this but I might even start to support WDC remaining!

One question remains unanswered, and I have asked it time and time again, just who the hell is making these decisions? If it is the CEO of NCC then he could be sacked, the elected officers have a mandate off the people seeing as 55% of "us" voted against a single authority for the county.

As yet there are only very sketchy details about how communities like Bedlington will operate once these changes go ahead, my view is that if all is going to be as good as we are led to believe then everyone would have been told just how they would benifit, someone would be after brownie points!

At the moment this stinks, someone somewhere is laying down this blueprint without any public consultation (see comments by councillors in this weeks Leader) and in this day and age that should be verboten, punishable by public flogging!

Merlin's wall might have to be extended considerably!

In this day and age any shop should be allowed to service the needs of its customers and if that means being open at 3.00am for someone to buy a pint of milk or whatever so be it. I cannot see it being viable mind but the market will decided. The problem seems to be that the laws controlling this matter are, like most of the statutes, well past their “best before dates!” In a progressive and evolving environment these things need to be checked with some regularity to make sure they are suitable for the times they find themselves in.

The trading laws, which have only recently been relaxed, date from a time when supermarkets were just taking hold and the politicians must have thought there was mileage in banning the likes of Sunday trading by all but a very few retailers. Of course trade unions don’t want to see their members exploited or forced to work unsociable hours but by and large these places take on extra staff to do these late nights etc, so extra employment?

The thing that would trouble me is that if we have a finite amount of money in the economy then any money taken during these night time openings is effectively “lost” to the normal daytime opening hours and so might mean less staff needed during the day. Shopping online can on exacerbate this problem too so we can probably expect a much different shopping pattern to emerge in the near future and that will be down to people’s needs not some heavy handed and out-dated Gov regulation!

* Yes, i have heard something about their being a religous name for anyone who has no religion, and that in it's self means its a religion!

Only if it is used as a noun!

No way is it going to be a superstore. I've been to the one in Kingston Park a few times - now thats a superstore!

Good riddence to Somerfield and it's over priced !*!@#. Their fruit and veg is almost always poor quality.

Dont worry Cympil, HP is just a bit worried about how far he'll have to travel from now on to get his Greggs fatty pies!

Poor thing.

Blank,

Is the one at Kingstone park not a Megastore?

MY FLIGHT WAS BEING SERVED BY AN OBVIOUSLY GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT, WHO SEEMED TO PUT EVERYONE IN A GOOD MOOD AS HE SERVED US FOOD AND DRINKS.

AS THE PLANE PREPARED TO DESCEND, HE CAME SWISHING DOWN THE AISLE AND TOLD US THAT "CAPTAIN MARVEY HAS ASKED ME TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'LL BE LANDING THE BIG SCARY PLANE SHORTLY, SO LOVELY PEOPLE, IF YOU COULD JUST PUT YOUR TRAYS UP, THAT WOULD BE SUPER."

ON HIS TRIP BACK UP THE AISLE, HE NOTICED THIS WELL-DRESSED AND RATHER ARABIC LOOKING WOMAN HADN'T MOVED A MUSCLE.

"PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME OVER THOSE BIG BRUTE ENGINES BUT I ASKED YOU TO RAISE YOUR TRAZY-POO, SO THE MAIN MAN CAN PITTY-PAT US ON THE GROUND."

SHE CALMLY TURNED HER HEAD AND SAID, "IN MY COUNTRY, I AM CALLED A

PRINCESS AND I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE."

TO WHICH (I SWEAR) THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REPLIED, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, "WELL, SWEET-CHEEKS, IN MY COUNTRY I'M CALLED A QUEEN,

SO I OUTRANK YOU. TRAY-UP, BITCH."