Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Brian Cross]

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

[Brian Cross]

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. 'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she spoke in anger.

'We were just playing 'Church' mommy,' he said. 'I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

[Brian Cross]

sorry lads i will stop for a while its just my twisted sense of humor

[Brian Cross]

O.K just one more..

Interesting piece of history

In 1872 the Kiwi's invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A guy goes hunting. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting himself in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pxxx in your eye."

[Malcolm Robinson]

It was entertainment night at the Care Home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the

hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces..........................

'S**T!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Care Home.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Irish maths test.

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dats easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.

[Merlin]

A Chinese friend of mine was telling me about seeing a really tall animal Sheetin on a zoo keepers head!

I said 'Giraffe'

He said 'Of course I did it was hirarious'

[Malcolm Robinson]

I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil....I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me............

An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

[Brian Cross]

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's !*!@# an pish!'

The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'

The groundskeeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!'

[Brian Cross]

A stark naked, drunken Australian woman,

jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself

and just kept on staring at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

"What's wrong with you mate,

haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?â€

"I'll not be staring at you lady,

I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself

where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

[Brian Cross]

THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.

THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATH PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.

SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!" JUST TAKE SEVERAL STOPS AND STAY ON A SOFT SURFACE LIKE GRASS OR A PATH.

SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."

THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.

THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.

"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.

"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"

[Malcolm Robinson]

:lol:

[Brian Cross]

This is an outrageously Australian joke!

A Northern Territory Station hand radios back to the Station owner.

'Hey Boss, this is Jackie Jack here at the Number three bore - I gotta hell'uva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The Station owner says, 'Ok, Jackie Jack there's a ....303Rifle behind the seat. Take it; shoot the pig in the head and then you'll be able to remove him without him moving all over the place and squealing'

Five minutes later Jackie Jack calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

Now what's the problem?' raged the Station owner.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck on and the bike is still under the right-front wheel arch.'

Silence.

'You there Boss?' Booooss, Boooooss!!!!

[Brian Cross]

John, a lifelong white raicist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints

of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

John screams "What the !*!@# is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"

[Malcolm Robinson]

One for Monsta..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TB4OR66H5Rs&feature=player_embedded

[Pete]

One for Monsta..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TB4OR66H5Rs&feature=player_embedded

I can see that happening here

[Malcolm Robinson]

I'm saying nowt, its her mike.

Still lucky bear!

[Brian Cross]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Barbara Moore stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Dave must have experienced.

"Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Dave Moore." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Brian Cross]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room

and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[Mr Darn]

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

:lol:

That last bit actually made me smile enough for the other half to ask what i was reading!

[Brian Cross]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door

Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and

Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this.....)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Merlin]

Thought the punchline was going to be " Oh! God. not again)

[Brian Cross]

Tom had been a Public Servant for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from humanity as

possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking".

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of em!...

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

"More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too"

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..

"I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too!...

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Brian Cross]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."