Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[mickypotts]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

[Brett]

a man comes home from work one day, and asks his wife "if i won the lottery, what would you do?"

The wife replied "i'd take half, then leave you"

"great" says the husband "i won $12, here's $6, now !*!@# off"

[Brett]

Good news for Narcoleptics

Only 178 more sleeps till Christmas

[Brett]

in other news:

good news for insomniacs

only 2 sleeps til xmas

[Brett]

My wife said she is leaving me because I always mis-quote the Terminator films.

She'll be back.

[Brett]

My best mate has just found out that he's gay and dyslexic..........He's still in daniel.

[Brett]

Sir Paul McCartney has said his new marrage is already having problems

Apparently Nancy spends twice as much on shoes as heather did

[Brett]

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face

[Brett]

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.

[Brett]

Today I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him "You idiot! You are supposed to turn your clock back!"

[Brett]

Edited November 23, 2011 by Brettly

[Brian Cross]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either.

[Brian Cross]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

[Brian Cross]

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the !*!@# out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[mickypotts]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."

[Brian Cross]

Very funny Mickypotts

[Brian Cross]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, ' Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'

[Brett]

*A Cow based Economics Lesson;

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you

want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

*edit: would seem it was posted 3 years ago (except RBS was replaced with ENRON) still funny tho!

[Brett]

How lucky is Steve Bruce?

He lost his job on last day of November knowing on the first day of December all department stores are looking for a fat with experience of wearing red & white!!

[Brett]

[Brian Cross]

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair... Arriving in a hotel in

> Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The

> barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

> Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over

> his money....... "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the

> barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until

> 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland". "That is remarkable value",

> Michael comments.

>

> "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.

> That will be 3 euro please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink

> and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman.

> "That'll be an extra 2 euro. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it

> would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the

> seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". Michael attempts to

> sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he

> complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't

> fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your

> seat sir". O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have

> brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't

> pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

>

> O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on

> the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the

> manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that

> will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I

> am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." "I've had enough! What sort of Hotel is

> this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on

> speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E-mail address, or if you wish, you can

> contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free

> phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a

> talking charge of only 10 cent per second".

>

> "I will never use this bar again". "OK sir, but remember, we are the only

> hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro!"

[mickypotts]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine..

[Malcolm Robinson]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath.

Þ

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"I just want to tell my wife for the last time, the word is sternum."