Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

7 hours ago, Canny lass said:

A man was on a game show. He was on his final question; all he had to do was answer that question right, and he would win 1 million dollars!
The game show host said, "All right, for your final question: 'What are the names of three of Santa's reindeer?'"
The man grinned and said, "Dasher!"
The game show host said, "Correct!"
"Comet!"
"Correct! What is the last name?"
The man yelled, "Olive!"
The game show host was confused and said, "Why Olive?"
The contestant looked at him strangely and said, "Oh, don't you know? 'Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...'"

 

Have you been drinking and pulling crackers, of the xmas variety, already?

[webtrekker]

No swearing by order of the management!  

 

 

[webtrekker]

 

[webtrekker]

 

[webtrekker]

Christmas Old and New -

 

 

 

 

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Important facts to remember as you grow older

Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

All of us could lake a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird. and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Don’t worry about old age: It doesn’t last that long.

[Canny lass]

And for the language lovers among us ...

[mercuryg]

With regard to:

"All of us could lake a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism."

A friend posted one of my favourite all-time comments on Facebook - "Why do they keep giving these storms names? It just encourages them."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Well I wouldn't mind being hit with this Storm.......

[pilgrim]

1 hour ago, Malcolm Robinson said:

Well I wouldn't mind being hit with this Storm.......

 

[pilgrim]

force ten

[Canny lass]

A little boy went up to his mother and asked: Mum, where did my intelligence come from?'
His mother replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your father, cause I still have mine.'

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

GETTING OLDER

Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking
about life. I came to realize that, as I have grown older I've learned
that pleasing everyone is...impossible, but pxxxing everyone off is a
piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong....I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone
has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning
seven Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I
couldn't even find my bike.

Drive-by...Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
The sick bastard!!!

The Agony of Aging...On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.  I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked.

You're supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK."

Video Scam...Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute...Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
"Hey, dumb ass," she replied, "If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

[webtrekker]

Edited April 15, 2017 by webtrekker

[webtrekker]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down

at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's

probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies

for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says

'What the f*ck do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Ryan Air".

Edited April 20, 2017 by webtrekker

[webtrekker]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing £10 in 50p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Wickes deliver the f*cking bricks on time.'
 

[webtrekker]

My girlfriend said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama Sutra she will leave me.

It's put me in a very difficult position.
 

[webtrekker]

After 7 years training and several more years in public practice, a good friend of mine has been found guilty of gross professional misconduct and struck off. He can no longer work in the medical profession he devoted his life to.

He had sex with a patient. It was, he says, consensual. Neither was married, but rules are rules. Anyway, all that training down the drain.

(**Lifts glass...**)

Here's to Dave. A good mate and the best vet I've ever known.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

[Canny lass]

Sounds like us!

 

I just discovered my age group – SEENAGER (senior teenager).

I now have everything that I wanted as a teenager. It just came 50-60 years late!

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own place.

I decide at what hour I come home.

I have a driving license and I have my own car.

I have ID that gets me into drinking establishments.

The people I knock about with are not scared of getting pregnant. In fact, they’re not scared of anything.

And, I don’t have acne so life is pretty good!

 

If you are a seenager, you will feel much more intelligent having read this.

The brains of older people are slow. That’s because they hold so much information inside their heads. Contrary to popular belief, people do NOT decline mentally with age. It just takes them longer to recall things due to this vast amount of information that has to be sifted through.

Scientists believe that this excess of information may also account for the hearing loss suffered by some seenagers. It causes a lot of pressure on the inner ear apparently.

Also, older peole often go to another room to collect something and when they get there they stand about wondering what they came for. Many (uninformed) people attribute this to memory loss. NONSENSE! It is NOT a memory problem. It’s nature’s way of making seenagers get the exercise they need. So there!

 

I have other people to send this too, but right now I’m having difficulty recalling their names.

Please forward this to your friends – they may be my friends too.

 

[Canny lass]

Why is a mans brain as big as a walnut?

 

 

 

 

 

Because it's swollen.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

 

[Rigger]

The following are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

 

[Canny lass]

Has this thread died or just gone to sleep? Life is giving me nothing but lemons and I desperately need a good laugh!