Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 AM . The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I undressed, hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bath room, 'Mummy, where's my washcloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor. Ever

[Hamburger Pimp]

Vic channels the spirit of Malcolm Robinson

[Malcolm Robinson]

HP,

Urano!

Although I have to say I don't "get" Vic Reeves humour.

[Denzel]

HP,

Urano!

Although I have to say I don't "get" Vic Reeves humour.

That would explain the !*!@# 'jokes' you keep subjecting us to.

[Hamburger Pimp]

I heard* that Suggs has taken to marching against racism and homophobia.

It's just Madness gone politically correct.

*via Popbitch.

[BedlingtonLass]

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."

[BedlingtonLass]

A redhead found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago, so she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home.

He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking off his best friend. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

[BedlingtonLass]

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud but everyone at the table heard the !*!@# . Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy".

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't ever think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[BedlingtonLass]

"You don't know Jack Schitt..." Now you'll know the rest of the story.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of the "Knee Deep Schitt Inn." Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shorty after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

NOW YOU KNOW JACK SCHITT!

[Merlin]

Mackem and Geordie walking along the beach,when mackem picks up a bottle.Mackem gives it a quick rub and up pops a genie."Now then mackem you get one wish,think very carefully before you ask"."Well"says Mackem"Can you build a brick wall around Sunderland to keep those !*!@# Geordies out?"Is that it, says the genie no gold or eternal life?"No says Mackem"Just the wall." "Ok" says the genie"so be it" A hundred foot fall appears around mackem land.

Well then Geordie its your turn for a wish says the genie.Geordie says"Ye naa wen the f**ckin Mackem asked for 'is waal did 'e ask for any windas or dors in it?" No says the Genie."Well then" sez Geordie "Fill it wi wata"

[Pete]

Mackem and Geordie walking along the beach,when mackem picks up a bottle.Mackem gives it a quick rub and up pops a genie."Now then mackem you get one wish,think very carefully before you ask"."Well"says Mackem"Can you build a brick wall around Sunderland to keep those !*!@# Geordies out?"Is that it, says the genie no gold or eternal life?"No says Mackem"Just the wall." "Ok" says the genie"so be it" A hundred foot fall appears around mackem land.

Well then Geordie its your turn for a wish says the genie.Geordie says"Ye naa wen the f**ckin Mackem asked for 'is waal did 'e ask for any windas or dors in it?" No says the Genie."Well then" sez Geordie "Fill it wi wata"

I like that

[BedlingtonLass]

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?

A. Who cares?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. When would you want a man's company?

A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?

A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Q. Why do men get married?

A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,

and a Jackass to pay for it all.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.

[BedlingtonLass]

It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"

Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for super sex", she answers.

So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup.

[BedlingtonLass]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”

[BedlingtonLass]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet momma," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Dr.Benway]

What do you get if you stand a blonde on her head?

A brunette with bad breath.

[Hamburger Pimp]

[Guest MONGO]

What do you get if you stand a blonde on her head?

A brunette with bad breath.

[Hamburger Pimp]

Q. What's the warmest place to live in Newcastle?

A. Central Heaton!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!CoRGIREGISTERED!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!

[Cympil]

Q. What's the warmest place to live in Newcastle?

A. Central Heaton!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!CoRGIREGISTERED!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!

Good one

[Merlin]

Josef Fritzl has admitted to rape,imprisonment,incest,enslavement and murder but he claims that rumours he's a mackem are just downright sick!

[Denzel]

In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.

[Cympil]

Ketamine; just say neigh.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman..

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Dr Pit]

Woman comes into bedroom in sexy underwear and says to husband "Tie me up and do whatever you want!"

so he tied her up , shagged her sister, and went fishing.