Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Monsta®]

[Malcolm Robinson]

:lol:

[Malcolm Robinson]

A Newbiggin fisherman went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, the Nurse says "Congratulations, your wife has had quints -

5 big baby boys."

The guy says, "I'm not surprised, I have a XXXXX on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "Then you need to get it cleaned. The babies are all black!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:

"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands.."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:

"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:.....

"I Didn't Feel a Thing."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[Cympil]

Good one Malcolm :lol:

[Malcolm Robinson]

Senior moments.............

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, she knocked on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[Malcolm Robinson]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

[Malcolm Robinson]

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

[Malcolm Robinson]

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[Malcolm Robinson]

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[Malcolm Robinson]

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

[Malcolm Robinson]

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[Monsta®]

rauol moat had blue eyes!

one blew left the other blew right!

[Mr Darn]

rauol moat had blue eyes!

I heard after the tazer was deployed, he was left feeling a little "light headed"...

I sometimes wonder where the line is with jokes like this.

Whilst it must be terrible for the family and other people who were close to the incident,i heard a really convincing argument in the pub last week about them being a defence mechanism for some who could not rationally cope with the news coverage, and the possibility of this happening again. Whilst i could see his point, i still think they can go too far...

[Malcolm Robinson]

Teacher………..Geordie, what's the chemical composition of water?

Geordie…………H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O.

Teacher……….Don't be stupid what's that all about?

Geordie……….Well yesterday you said it was H to O!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Teacher…….Geordie, give me a sentence beginning with I.

Geordie……..'I is……….'

Teacher………No, no, you know you should always start…….'I am'………

Geordie……..OK then Miss, 'I am' the 9th letter of the alphabet!

[Monsta®]

why geordie and not mackem!

[Merlin]

N.U.F.C.

[Malcolm Robinson]

LOL.............

[Malcolm Robinson]

There is a new council tax evaluation policy which wants to charge more for those who live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in a rough area.

There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend but nothing has been proved yet.

All the kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. They are out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle !

[Merlin]

Had me going there Malcolm! I thought you were on about ME

[Malcolm Robinson]

This is hilarious..............