Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

[Malcolm Robinson]

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

[Malcolm Robinson]

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

[Malcolm Robinson]

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

[Keith Scantlebury]

There you go, Malcolm Robinson a philosopher for the drunkard, a man after my own heart.

[mickypotts]

When a man drinks he gets drunk

when he gets drunk he goes to sleep

if he goes to sleep he doesnt sin

if he doesnt sin he goes to heaven

So lets all drink and go to heaven!!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

When a man drinks he gets drunk

when he gets drunk he goes to sleep

if he goes to sleep he doesnt sin

if he doesnt sin he goes to heaven

So lets all drink and go to heaven!!!

Micky,

Are we getting the same round robin e-mails?

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

[Malcolm Robinson]

There you go, Malcolm Robinson a philosopher for the drunkard, a man after my own heart.

Keith I have probably spilled more than you have ever managed to drink...........

[Brian Cross]

Keith I have probably spilled more than you have ever managed to drink...........

I will drink to that....

[Brian Cross]

Keith I have probably spilled more than you have ever managed to drink...........

I will drink to that....sorry one too many but then i am not as thrunk as dreeple pink i am

Edited July 21, 2011 by Brian Cross

[bediesathome]

Keith I have probably spilled more than you have ever managed to drink...........

malcome keep the jokes coming ,they are great

[Keith Scantlebury]

Keith I have probably spilled more than you have ever managed to drink...........

WHAT ? well you must really have the shakes Malcolm. Does that mean when you go out with your mates they have to put umbrellas up. :D

[Merlin]

Two flies on their beach towels soaking up the rays drinking gin and tonic, when this blue fly drops out of the sky. 'Hey man what's up? You look freezing' 'Aye' says the blue fly 'I just flew over the Alps.' 'You shouldn't do that, you should do what we do! Before your holiday go down to the local pub where you will always find a dumb blonde bragging about her holidays, you land on her neck crawl down her front till you find the sauna between her legs, crawl in and enjoy the trip. That's what we do every year, works a treat!

The next year the two flies are sunning themselves on the beach when this blue fly drops out of the sky, freezing! 'Didn't you do as we told you?' says one fly. 'Aye' says the blue fly. 'I went down the pub, sure enough there was a dumb blonde there bragging about her holidays so I flew on her neck as you said, crawled down her front till I found the sauna crawled in and waited' So what the hell happened' says the other fly. Blue fly says 'I ended up on a hairy bikers 'tache flying over the Alps on his harley'

[Poppylass]

Fool proof way for old guys to pick up chicks :

I met a girl in the park the other evening,

there was an instant spark between us and she immediately

dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought

"These taser guns are well worth the money."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

[Brett]

Edited July 28, 2011 by Brettly

[Merlin]

As I gazed into her eyes there was a sudden spark between us,and as we lay making passionate love, I thought 'Bloody good investment these Tazer's' :dribble:

[Malcolm Robinson]

Why Parents Drink……….

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to……. 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a

Report card that's in my centre desk drawer.

I love you.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . ..

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it -Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[Keith Scantlebury]

Riots and looting have spread to Ireland, Seamus has smashed his computor monitor trying to rob e-bay

[Malcolm Robinson]

Riots and looting have spread to Ireland, Seamus has smashed his computor monitor trying to rob e-bay

:lol:

[Brett]

Riots and looting have spread to Ireland, Seamus has smashed his computor monitor trying to rob e-bay

Three youths have been caught looting a Ladbrokes in Derry, so far they have lost £175 between them.

[Brian Cross]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 5

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 4

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 3

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 2

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

And The Number 1 Thought

- - - as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long.

[Brian Cross]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ."

[Brian Cross]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured

by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .....

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought

before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with

a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,

the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to his horse.

Silver is brought to

him,

and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears

over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a

voluptuous brunette, more attractive

than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent

and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief

is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, ....... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,

and Silver is brought to

the

Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,

the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR.. THE... LAST... TIME.... I SAID .......

'BRING POSSE not !*!@#'