Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Brett]

When my son woke up on Christmas morning he was faced with everything he could ever dream of...

I got him an Argos catalogue.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Subject: Divorce vs. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went

into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into

his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist

asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I

can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of

bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband

in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Brett]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes" she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Irish Sugar Test

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[dolomite1958]

My friend has just been struck off the medical register because he was having sex with his patients

Its a shame really because I thought he was a bloody good vet!!

[dolomite1958]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman was working on a 300ft tall chimney when they decided to eat there packed lunch. The englisman opened his lunch box and said "Bloody hell. Cheese again. I am fed up with cheese. If I getcheese sandwiches tomorrow, Im going to throw myself off this chimney"

The Scotsman opened his box and said "Bloody hell. Tomato again. I am fed up with tomato. If i get tomato sandwiches tomorrow, I am going to throw myself off this chimney"

The Irishman opened his box and said "Bloody hell. Ham again. I am fed up with ham. If I get ham sandwiches tomorrow, I too will throw myself off this chimney

The next day the Englishman opened his box only to find cheese sandwiches. "Thats it" he said and threw himself off the chimney. The Scotsman opened his box to find tomato sandwiches. "Thats it" he said and threw himself off the chimney. The Irishman opened his box to find ham sandwiches. "Thats it" he said and threw himself off the chimney

At the funeral for the 3 men, the wives got together. The English wife said "If only I knew he was fed up with cheese sandwiches, I would have given him something different" The Scottish wife said "If i knew he was fed up with tomato sandwiches I would have given him something different. They turned to the Irish wife and asked her if she was ok?

"I am confused" she said. "Why" said the other wives. "Every day he made his own packed lunch"

[dolomite1958]

A man visiting his friend watched his dog licking his bum. "Wish I could do that" the man said. The friend replied "Give him a biscuit and he might let you"

[dolomite1958]

Fred decided to have his wifes Wendy's name tattoo on his todger. It took a while but got there in the end. He soon noticed that when his todger was at rest, all he could see was the letters WY

After a while they decided to take a holiday to Jamaica. Fred needed to take a pee. Standing next to him was a black guy and Fred could help noticing that on his todger was the letters WY. Fred said "Ive got one of those. When you get an erection, does it show the name Wendy?" "No" says the black guy. "When I get an erection it says Welcome to the West Indies. I hope you have a nice holiday"

[dolomite1958]

Our local ice cream man was found dead in his van. He was covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands

Police reckon he topped himself

I had a viagra injection last week. I couldnt bend my arm for 3 days

Mt ex wife died by falling in a wishing well. I didnt realise they worked

I had a call from the Sheffield Football Association yesterday, enquiring about when I can take over as boss of one of their football teams. I told them I couldnt manage Wednesday

I watched an x rated version of the movie Saving Private Ryan. It was called Shaving Ryans Privates

I watched another x rated movie. It was an older version of Jurassic Park, starring elderly people. It was called Jurassic Pork

[dolomite1958]

I once had an ass with one leg shorter than the other 3. It was a wonkey donkey

Don't you think that velcro is a rip off

[keith lockey]

I signed up with a dating agency yesterday. They asked me what my preferences were. I said I was looking for a companion that had red hair, long legs, was loyal and liked going for walks in the country.

Now I've got a red setter.

[Malcolm Robinson]

THE AUSSIE DUNNY POEM:

The service station trade was slow

The owner sat around,

With sharpened knife and cedar stick

Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they there,

The log across the rill

Led to a shack, marked His and Hers

That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies lavatory, sir?"

The owner leaning back,

Said not a word but whittled on,

And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there

But only stayed a minute,

Until she screamed, just like a snake

Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face

She bounded through the door,

And headed quickly for the car

Just like three Sheila's did before.

She missed the foot bridge - jumped the stream

The owner gave a shout,

As her silk stockings, down at her knees

Caught on a acacia sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then

In obvious disgust,

Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,

And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know

What made the gals all do

The things they did, and then we found

The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised

To make the thing complete,

He tied a speaker on the wall

Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set

And then the devilish tike,

Would stop his whittling long enough,

To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below

Struck terror, fright and fear,

"Will you please use the other hole,

We're painting under here!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[Malcolm Robinson]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

[Malcolm Robinson]

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[Malcolm Robinson]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[keith lockey]

I was at a fancy-dress party last night when this bloke walked in.

He was wearing a crucifix on his back, a crucifix on his head, two crucifixes on his chest and his arms and legs were covered in tiny crucifixes.

I said "What have you come as?"

He said "A cross dresser."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,

And twenty quid is twenty quid! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years owd.

If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell yer t'truth

I nearly said summat when Blanche fell aht,

But, tha' knows,

twenty quid is twenty quid! "

[Brett]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything"

[Brett]

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what hit it.

***

I fostered a chav kid yesterday.....All six cans hit him full in the face.

[keith lockey]

If I started dating the coloured actress in the film GHOST would I be making Whoopie?

[Brian Cross]

If I started dating the coloured actress in the film GHOST would I be making Whoopie?

Ah Keefy

[Malcolm Robinson]

Not sure this is in the right section.....................

Nick Clegg and Banking.......

Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached

the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for

me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Clegg: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need

to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks

because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."

Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.

Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and

must follow them."

Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into

the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting

iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.With that shot we knew

him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and

made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular

shot we cashed his cheque.. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only

you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"

[John Fox (foxy)]

But in reality, can anybody think of anything good to say about Clegg?

Answers on a postcard please to the usual address

foxy's/ hoose at bedders.com

Please mark all entries "No I still think Nicks a tw@*

Edited October 20, 2012 by foxy

[keith lockey]

But in reality, can anybody think of anything good to say about Clegg?

Answers on a postcard please to the usual address

foxy's/ hoose at bedders.com

Please mark all entries "No I still think Nicks a tw@*

You need something as large as a postcard Foxy?