Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.

The nanny, we'll consider her the working class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit." 

[Canny lass]

If I could like that twice, I would!

[Canny lass]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my mum always says".  

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
 
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.

[Canny lass]

In these troubled times:

A prayer  for the stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I cannot accept,

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I have killed today

because they got on my nerves.

 

And help me to be careful of whose toes I step on today

as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.

 

Help me that I may always give 100% at work …

12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday,

20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.

 

Help me to remember ….

When I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying

to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 muscles to smile

and only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth

[Canny lass]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in London ... 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[Christopher Doyle]

A woman and her boyfriend are out on the town having a great time together, and she starts talking about a really great new drink.
The more she talks about it the more excited she gets and starts trying to talk the boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and she orders the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar and the woman explains,. " First you put the salt on your tongue, next you drink the Baileys and hold in your mouth and finally you drink the lime juice."

So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her he goes fro it.. He puts the salt on his tongue..... salty but ok. He drinks the shot of Baileys- smooth, rick , cool, very pleasant. He thinks this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.............. IN one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles.... at three seconds the salty curdles bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says: So, how did you like it?" It's called Blow Job Revenge!"

[Christopher Doyle]

Two women police dog handlers are on the beat, one says "I'm cold I left my knickers at the station."
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.

[moe19]

[Canny lass]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Canny lass]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[Canny lass]

The CIA had a vacancy for an assassin. After all background checks, interviews and tests had been completed there were three candidates left, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agent took one of the men to a big, heavy, steel door and gave him a gun.

 

“We have to be sure that you can follow orders regardless of the circumstances”, he said. “Behind this door you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Kill her”.

 

“No, no,” said the man, “I could never shoot my wife”.

 

“Then you’re not the right man for the job”, said the agent.

 

The second male candidate was given the same test. He took the gun and entered the room. Everything was quiet for five minutes, and then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

“I tried” he said, “but I just couldn’t kill my wife”.

 

“You don’t have what it takes to be join the CIA”, said the agent. “You and your wife can go home”.

 

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She got the same instructions – to kill her husband.

 

She took the gun and entered the room.

 

Shots were heard, one after the other, then there was screaming, followed by banging, clattering  and thumps against the walls.

 

After a few minutes, everything went quiet. The door opened slowly and the woman emerged. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said –

 

“That darned gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

[Canny lass]

A little boy and his father were at the chemist shop and just happen to go past a stand with condoms. The boy studies them for a while and then asks his father who would need a pack of three.

 

“Those are for teenagers” he answered, “one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday”.

 

“Then, who would need the pack of six?” asked the boy.

 

“Probably university students” replied his father, “two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday”.

 

The boy continues looking at the different packages and his eyes become as big as organ stops when he sees a pack of twelve:

 

“Who on earth would need a pack of twelve!” he asks.

 

“Those packs are for married men, son”, his father replies, “one for January, one for February ……

[Canny lass]

I think somebody mentioned Guinness ....

The directors of Heineken, Budweiser, Guinness and Carlsberg are playing golf one afternoon. After the 18th hole they meet up at the club house. The waitress takes their order:

 

“A bottle of Carlsberg, probably the best beer in the world”, says the Carlsberg director.

 

“A cold Heineken, which REALLY is the best beer in the world”, says the Heineken director.

 

“A bottle of Budweiser”, USA’s best-selling beer”, says the Budweiser director.

 

I’ll have a Coca-cola”, says the Guinness director, “If they’re not drinking beer, I’ll not either”.

[mercuryg]

Canny Lass, I hope you realise you are fuelling Malcolm's posts on Facebook? I'm not sure whether this makes you an accessory.

anyway, what does a pirate pay to have his ears pierced? A buccaneer!

[Canny lass]

2 hours ago, mercuryg said:

Canny Lass, I hope you realise you are fuelling Malcolm's posts on Facebook? I'm not sure whether this makes you an accessory.

anyway, what does a pirate pay to have his ears pierced? A buccaneer!

You never miss what you give to a friend. Paste away, Malcolm!

Very funny that - a buccaneer!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Well I think they are funny enough to be shared.  

[Malcolm Robinson]

..........and Merc do you really think I sit down and write up all the dammed fine jokes I post, especially as some are written the the American vernacular!  

[Canny lass]

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big birthday treat  by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the receptionist handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just one overnight stay without a breakfast."

The receptionist told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the receptionist, announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-house shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved by her pleas, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

July 2016 - In preparation for the dark nights to come Canny Lass bought a joke book.

19 hours ago, Canny lass said:

You never miss what you give to a friend. Paste away, Malcolm!

Very funny that - a buccaneer!

A little boy dresses up as a pirate for halloween.

He has a bit of a speech impediment.

The first house he goes to he says,

"I'm a birate. This is my barrot. Can I have some bandy?"

The woman looks at him and says, "My my aren't you cute. But where are your buccaneers?"

The boy looks are her angrily and says "On the side of my buckin head you buckin dumass."

[Canny lass]

25 minutes ago, Eggy1948 said:

July 2016 - In preparation for the dark nights to come Canny Lass bought a joke book.

I have more interesting things to do on dark nights (woollies to be knitted, blankets to be crotcheted, that sort of thing)!

However, for some reason unknown to me, a joke book is a standard fitting in most bathrooms/WC.s here. TRUE!

The selection you are being hit with at the minute is the result of my cleaning up my computer. Most are not in English but I'm trying to translate one a day to share before it finds its way into the wastepaper basket. I think we could all do with a good laugh but scream if it gets to be too much.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

9 minutes ago, Canny lass said:

I have more interesting things to do on dark nights (woollies to be knitted, blankets to be crotcheted, that sort of thing)!

However, for some reason unknown to me, a joke book is a standard fitting in most bathrooms/WC.s here. TRUE!

The selection you are being hit with at the minute is the result of my cleaning up my computer. Most are not in English but I'm trying to translate one a day to share before it finds its way into the wastepaper basket. I think we could all do with a good laugh but scream if it gets to be too much.

I will never scream - doo be do do, doobe doobe do do, doo be do do, doobe doobe do do, doo be do do, doobe doobe do do.

I remain a follower.

 

[Malcolm Robinson]

Diego Maradona decides to come out of retirement and play for Chelsea, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up boys.?" He asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool. They're total shit and we really can't be bothered".
Maradona looks at them and says "Well I know I'm over 60 now and a bit fat and grey, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub, I'll sort this out."
So Maradona goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the Chelsea team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 0
He is beating Liverpool all by himself..! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from the Stamford Bridge: Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 1 (Sturridge 89 minutes)
They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Liverpool..!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat crying with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid Diego, you got a draw against Liverpool all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end..!"
Maradonna says "No, No, I have, I've let you all down.!. Cos I got sent off after 12 minutes..!".

[Canny lass]

A couple came to the doctor’s surgery. He asked what they needed help with:

“Could you watch while we make love?” asks the man.

The doctor is a bit taken aback but, being a doctor, he agrees. When it’s all over, he informs the couple that everything seems OK and no abnormalities have been noted.

They pay the fee, £15, and leave.

At regular intervals, this same couple appear at the surgery with the same request. They make love, without any problems, while the doctor observes, they pay his fee, £15, and leave.

Finally the doctor asks them just what they think the problem is and why they want him to watch.

The man replies:

“Really, we don’t have any problem with our love-making. However, she is married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. To hire a cottage costs £80, and a hotel room costs £55. Here, I only pay £15 and I can claim part of that back from the social. And besides that, you are sworn to secrecy.

[Canny lass]

I'm so happy, I almost forgot today's joke:

The day the penis asked for a pay rise:

 

I, the penis, herewith request a rise in pay for the following reasons.

I do physical work which includes working at great depths. I’m not afraid of hard work and dive in head-first in everything I do. I work many unsocial hours, including night shift, weekends, bank- and public holidays. I also work in the dark in a very confined space with poor ventilation, damp conditions and very often high temperatures. Furthermore, my job has an ever present risk for infectious diseases.

Yours faithfully

P. Niss

 

Reply:

 

Dear P. Niss,

I have read your letter and must inform you that your request can not be granted, for the following reasons:

You do not work an 8 hour shift and you fall asleep directly after your few short efforts.  You do not always follow management directives – preferring often to do your own thing – and neither do you keep to your own area of work. On several occasions you have been seen in other’s areas.

Furthermore, you are lacking in initiative and need much motivation and encouragement if you are to get started at all. At the end of your shift you leave your place of work in a mess and you do not always respect the safety rules regarding protective clothing.

You can’t manage to work a double shift and on occasions you leave your place of work before the job in hand is completed. The general consensus of opinion is that you will be on your pension before the age of 65 years. And, as if that’s not enough, you have – on several occasions – been seen to leave your place of work with two very suspicious looking sacks.

Yours faithfully

V. Gina

[Canny lass]

I'm so happy you can have two today!

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone and asks him if he’d like to come over and help her with a giant puzzle which she’s found.

-         What’s it supposed to be when it’s fineshed? he asks.

-         According to the picture on the box it’s a cockrel, she replies.

-         OK. I’ll be over in half an hour, he says.

She let’s him in when he arrives and shows him all the pieces on the table. He looks at them for a while, then he looks at the box, then he says:

-         It doesn’t matter what we do, we’ll never be able to put the pieces together to make anything that even remotely resembles a cockrel.

He takes her hand and continues:

-         So, let’s have a cup of tea and then we’ll put all these cornflakes back in the box.