Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: “‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”. The man below replied “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”.

“You must be a technician.” said the balloonist. “I am” replied the man “how did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip with your talk.”

The man below responded, “You must be in management”. “I am” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the man “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault! 

[Canny lass]

Perhaps you should try this Eggy ...

A woman is frying eggs for breakfast. Suddenly her hubby appears in the kitchen and screams:

-Be careful! Put some more margarine in the pan! You have too many in the pan at once. TOO MANY! Turn them over! TURN THEM OVER NOW! MORE MARGARINE! They’ll stick to the pan! Be careful! I said CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry up! And, don’t forget to put salt on them. You know you always forget it! Put salt on them! SALT!

His wife stares at him

-What’s the matter with you? Do you think I’ve never fried an egg before?

Hubby replies quietly:

-I just wanted you to see how it feels when I’m driving.

[Canny lass]

One afternoon, in a packed café, an elderly woman was getting more and more annoyed at the cigarette smoke being blown in her direction by the young woman at the next table.

 

“Young lady! I would rather commit fornication than smoke a cigarette!”

“Me too”, said the young woman, but coffee-breaks are too short for that.”

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

On 9/1/2016 at 14:44, Canny lass said:

Perhaps you should try this Eggy ...

A woman is frying eggs for breakfast. Suddenly her hubby appears in the kitchen and screams:

-Be careful! Put some more margarine in the pan! You have too many in the pan at once. TOO MANY! Turn them over! TURN THEM OVER NOW! MORE MARGARINE! They’ll stick to the pan! Be careful! I said CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry up! And, don’t forget to put salt on them. You know you always forget it! Put salt on them! SALT!

His wife stares at him

-What’s the matter with you? Do you think I’ve never fried an egg before?

Hubby replies quietly:

-I just wanted you to see how it feels when I’m driving.

I have - 2 left hand fingers + 2 right hand fingers = 4k off!

Edited September 2, 2016 by Eggy1948

[Canny lass]

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

 .... and, as if that's not bad enough:

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man I hate this getting older stuff.

[Canny lass]

John and Mary Anderson found that the only way to have a ’quickie’ on Sunday afternoon was to send their 10 year old son onto the balcony to report on what was happening in the neighborhood.

 

The boy started to report just as his parents started their ‘activities’.

 

“A car is being towed away from the parking space belonging to the flats opposite. An ambulance just drove past.”

 

A few minutes went by:

 

"It looks like the Smiths have visitors. Mathew is riding around on his new bike and Mr & Mrs Arnold are having sex.”

 

His parents stopped abruptly and shouted:

“How can you possibly know that?”

“ Their son is also on the balcony”.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Canny lass

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Four blonds run into a bar shouting 85 days, just 85 days!

A guy asks the blonds - ,  just 85 days? 

The four blonds reply - Yes just 85 days. We completed the puzzle in just 85 days and the box says 2 - 4 years! 

[Canny lass]

 ... and it's not only blondes who are dumb ...

An elderly man marries a much younger woman and, despite the fact that they are very much in love with each other, the woman never manages to reach a climax when they make love. They seek the advice of a marriage guidance counselor and are told to hire a handsome young man to wave a handkerchief over them while they make love.

The couple thinks it’s strange but they take his advice. However, despite the efforts of the handsome, young man and his hankie waving, no climax is reached. Desperate to achieve a result the husband and the young man change places. The wife and the young man get to grips and very soon the earth moves and the wife has a giant orgasm.

Her husband looks on with a huge smile on his face and says:

“There you go, young man. THAT is the way to wave a hankie!”

[Canny lass]

In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my
hearing."

The preacher put one of his fingers in Leroy's ear, and then he took his other hand and placed it on top of Leroy's head; and then he prayed and prayed and eventually the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It isn’t 'til Thursday."

[Ovalteeny]

words not required

Edited September 7, 2016 by Ovalteeny

[Canny lass]

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By January 23, 2017

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It
for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and
Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through
the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Sent to me by a friend now somewhere in the Federal Witness Protection

[Canny lass]

Little old lady: I’m 86 years old.

Barrister: tell the court now in your own words what happened on the evening of April 1st this year.

Little old lady: I was sitting on my veranda when the young man from next door came and sat down beside me.

 

Barrister: Did you know this man?

Little old lady: Only a little bit. As I said – he’s a neighbour and appears pleasant enough.

Barrister: What happened after he sat down?

Little old lady: he told me that he liked older women and that he thought I was very sexy.

 

Barrister: Please tell the court what happened next.

Little old lady: He started to stroke my thigh.

 

Barrister: Did you try to stop him?

Little old lady: No I didn’t. It felt so nice and nobody’s done that since my Albert passed away 30 years ago.

 

Barrister: And then?

Little old lady: He put his hand inside my blouse.

 

Barrister: Did you try to stop him?

Little old lady: No I didn’t. It made me so warm and tingly. I haven’t felt that good in years.

 

Barrister: And then what happened?

Little old lady:  I felt so excited that I just lay down and said “Take me young man, take me!”

 

Barrister: And did he …………. take you?

Little old lady: Like Hell he did! He just screamed “April fool, April fool” and that’s when I shot the b@#tard!!

[Canny lass]

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and
an American Police Officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.

You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?


ANSWER:


Australian Police Officer:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?

9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?

11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself? .

14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG!

  American Police Officer:

  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!   'click'...Reload...
  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

[Canny lass]

Two working class lads were invited by an upper class gent to swim in his private pool. While they were changing into their swimming gear one said to the other:

“Did you notice how small the private parts of the rich are?”

“”Yes!, said the other, “ but it’s probably because they had toys to play with when they were kids.”

[Canny lass]

A man and a woman are sitting in a pub discussing their forthcoming marriage. They have been ‘saving themselves’ for each other and have never seen each other naked. The woman doesn’t want any unpleasant surprises – for either of them – on the wedding night so she says to her intended, “I’m as flat as a pancake up top”. “That’s OK”, he replies, “I’m equipped like a new born baby down below”.

 

The wedding night arrives and both undress, somewhat nervously. The woman removes her bra and says, “See, I’m as flat as a pancake”. The man removes his underpants and the woman faints. After a couple of minutes she rallies round and says, “You swine! You told me you were equipped like a new born baby”.

 

“Exactly”, says the man, “47 centimetres long, 3.865 gram”.

Edited October 31, 2016 by Canny lass

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Q. What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

A. He grows taller.

News Headline :-  An earthquake with a strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and 1 million were injured.

President Trump, wanting to help as much as possible, is sending back 2 million replacement Muslims.

 

[Canny lass]

What's the difference between the birth of Jesus and the formation of Trump's advisory team?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Infinitely more wise men appear at one of them.

[Ovalteeny]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black
  Labrador and said, " So why are you here? "

  The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

  The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do? " " Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

  The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " Why are you here? "

  The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

  " So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired.  " Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

  The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

  " I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

  The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?”

  The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[Ovalteeny]

The Test

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. 

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town”. “If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!”

[Canny lass]

One or two things to think about when you're sitting around, unable to move, after the Xmas dinner (quotes of Stephen Wright):

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

2016 - xmas cracker jokes and one liners:-

Q. What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner?   A. About 5 mins.

Q. How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS?                A. All the branches have gone.  

Q. What’s David Cameron’s favourite Christmas song?               A. All I want for christmas is EU.

Q.  Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole?  A. He couldn't get past Iceland.

Q.  What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol?   A. O Comb Over Ye Faithful.

Q. Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year?   A. Dad might, Marmite not.

Q. Why can’t the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas?  A. Because they got rid of Allardyce.

Q. What does Nigel Farage do to the hall with boughs of holly?            A. He Dexit.

Q. What’s Donald Trump’s favourite type of ice cream?      A. Wall’s.

Q. How do snowmen leave the EU?                                     A.  They trigger Icicle 50.

I bought my mum Mary Berry’s cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood’s but he’d sold out.

Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: ‘That’s some reindeer’ he says. The Queen replies: ’63 years. Yes, that is a lot.’

 

 

[Canny lass]

The joy of living in the country …

 

9 December

We woke this morning to a wonderful carpet of crystal white, sparkling snow which covered every inch of the countryside. What a fantastic sight! Is there anything more beautiful! I shoveled snow for the first time in years (the council always takes care of that in town). I felt rejuvenated. I cleared both the drive and the verandah. In the afternoon, the snow plough came and blocked the drive with snow again so I had to get the shovel out again. What a wonderful life!

 

12 December

The sun has come out and melted all our lovely snow. What a shame. My neighbour says not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow at Christmas would be dreadful! Bob says that by the end of February we’ll have so much snow that I won’t ever want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. He’s joking I’m sure. Bob’s a nice man. I’m pleased he’s our neighbour.

 

14 December

Snow, wonderful snow! Eight inches fell during the night and the temperature has fallen to -20 degrees. This type of cold makes everything sparkle. The wind is cold but you soon get warm clearing the drive and the verandah. This is the life! The snow plough came back this afternoon and buried everything in snow again. I hadn’t realized that I’d have to shovel so much snow but I’ll definitely be fit by the end of the winter!

 

15 December

Another 10 inches fell during the night. Hubby sold his car and bought a 4x4 instead. He also bought winter tyres for my car and two extra snow shovels. Hubby wants to install a wood burner – in case of power cuts – but I think that’s stupid. We don’t live in Alaska for heaven’s sake!

 

16 December

Snow storm this morning. I fell on the ice while I was putting salt on the drive. It doesn’t half hurt. The old man laughed until he cried – great fun, I don’t think!

 

17 December

Temperature still way below minus. The roads are terrible. Too dangerous to drive anywhere. We had a power cut for 5 hours. What to do? Sat and stared at the other half and tried not to irritate him. We should have bought that wood burner but I’m not admitting that to him. I hate it when he’s right. I cannot believe that I’m freezing to death in my own sitting room!

 

20 December

The electric’s back on, but another 12 inches of that bl*ody white sh1t fell during the night. MORE shoveling! It took all day! The snow plough came twice! I tried to get one of the neighbour’s kids to help but they were too busy – playing ice-hockey on the lake. I’m sure they were lying. I called the iron mongers to see if they had a snow-blower but they had run out. Maybe they’ll get a new delivery in March when the road’s open again. I’m sure they were lying. Bob says we have to clear the snow otherwise the council will come and do it and send me a big bill! I think Bob’s lying as well.

 

22 December

Bob was right about the White Christmas. Another fifteen inches of the blasted stuff during the night and it’s so bl*ody cold that It’ll not melt before August! It took me 45 minutes to get dressed in all my layers this morning so that I could go out and clear away the snow and then I needed a pee! By the time I’d undressed, peed and dressed again I was so tired I couldn’t be bothered to shovel snow!

I tried to get Bob to take over my driveway the rest of the winter. I mean, he has a snow blower. He says he doesn’t have time- I’m sure that b@stard is lying!

 

23 December

Only 2½ inches of snow today and the temperature is only -1. Himself wanted me to put up some Christmas decorations this morning. Is she crackers or what? Why the H*ll didn’t he say so a month ago? He says that she DID say it a month ago but I think the b’ is lying!

 

24 December

We woke to eight inches of snow. It’s already been packed as hard as stone by that bl*ody snow plough so I broke the snow shovel! I think I had a heart attack as well! If I get my hands on tha b@stard driver I’ll kill him. I just KNOW that the b’ psychopath waits round the corner till I’ve got my drive cleared, then he comes at 80 miles an hour and fills the drive again! The old man wanted us to sing a few Christmas carols this morning while we wrapped presents but I was too busy keeping an eye out for that 4king idiot of a driver.

 

25 December

Merry Christmas to all that bl*ody snow!! We are snowed in!! The very thought of shoveling snow makes my blood boil! God how I hate SNOW!!! The snow plough stopped and asked how things were. I hit the b@stard over the head with the snow shovel …

 

26 December

Still snowed in! Why on earth did I move here to this bl’ody hole? And, it was all HIS idea. He gets right on my nerves …

 

27 December

Still snowed in. He is driving me nuts!!

 

29 December

Another 24 inches during the night! Bob says I’ll have to get the snow off the roof otherwise the roof might cave in. 4king idiot! Does he think I’m stupid. Or what?

 

30 December

The roof caved in! The driver of the snow plough has sued me for £80 000 just cos I hit him on the head with a shovel and the old man has gone back to his mother …

 

31 December

Set fire to the whole blasted lot. No more shoveling snow for me!!

 

8 January

I feel so good. I love these little pills they give me. Why am I locked in this room?

[Canny lass]

For those who haven't made their Christmas cake yet - better get a move on:

Easy Christmas cake

* 1 cup sugar

* 4 eggs

* 2 cups dried fruit

* 1 teaspoon salt

* 1 cup brown sugar

* 4 tablespoons lemon juice

* nuts, any sort

* 2 litres whisky

 

You will need a medium-sized mixing bowl. The amount of sugar depends on the taste of the whisky so check by tasting it. It should not be too smoky.

 

Turn on the electric mixer.  Better check the whisky again to see if its quality is unchanged.

 

Whisk 100 g butter in the mixing bowl, add 1 tableshpoon of sugar and whisk again. Mix well at high schpeed.

 

Better scheck the whisky again. The taste can shange at room temperature. Churn  off the eclectic mischsker.

 

Crack two hens into the mixching bowl and add the fried druit …

 

Swish on the eclectic miskchsker again ..

If the fried druit gets schtuck in the bowling mischk, loosen it with a drewskriver. Tashte the whishky again. Quality control is important!

.

Nexsht, you should schtrain the jemon loosh and add two cups of schuka, or shomething schimilar. Itch not sho b*oody important!.

Then, you shchould schieve 2 shilo schalt,– it’ doeshn’t need to be exshact.

Check whischkyn. Schtrain jemon loosh again and add a teaschpoon of schieved schalt, and a tableshpoon ... schpoon ... of schugagar, oh ... what the hell ...

 

Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 220 degrees, and don’t forget to turn off the  eclectisc mischsker.

 

Throw the  mixsching bowl in the witchdosher and ... scheck whischyn industry. Go to bed. You’ve had a busy day ... and who the hell wants crut-fake anyway ...?

 

[Canny lass]

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"I don't like sprouts"!

[Canny lass]

A man was on a game show. He was on his final question; all he had to do was answer that question right, and he would win 1 million dollars!
The game show host said, "All right, for your final question: 'What are the names of three of Santa's reindeer?'"
The man grinned and said, "Dasher!"
The game show host said, "Correct!"
"Comet!"
"Correct! What is the last name?"
The man yelled, "Olive!"
The game show host was confused and said, "Why Olive?"
The contestant looked at him strangely and said, "Oh, don't you know? 'Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...'"