What's The Crack, Jack?

[Denzel]

Did the Colonel adopt his usual tapping technique - bump into a lass so she turns round before he licks her face?

[Pencil_Neck]

Did the Colonel adopt his usual tapping technique - bump into a lass so she turns round before he licks her face?

It's funny cos it's true

[Denzel]

You knows it.

[Denzel]

Lovin' it:-

The Soccer World Cup - and all the assorted paraphernalia

Czech lager at c.60p a pop - heed full of bumblebees in every glass

Meninsky platek - gammon, garlic, chips and cheese; the classic quartet

Colonel Michael Bumgarner - abuse is NOT on the menu

Absinthe for breakfast - tastier than Sunny D

CNN - rolling news was never so good

Bricks - quite simply, I love mine

Do me a favour:-

Peter Crouch - for 'awkward' read '!*!@#'

EasyJet - couldn't organise a drinking session in a brewery

Lasses always wanting to 'have a seat' - stand and grow good

Mates who bleat on about 'cheeky ones' for the ditch - gan to bed man

Nuns - hairy Japanese....

[Pencil_Neck]

Lovin' it:-

The Soccer World Cup - and all the assorted paraphernalia

Czech lager at c.60p a pop - heed full of bumblebees in every glass

Meninsky platek - gammon, garlic, chips and cheese; the classic quartet

Colonel Michael Bumgarner - abuse is NOT on the menu

Absinthe for breakfast - tastier than Sunny D

CNN - rolling news was never so good

Bricks - quite simply, I love mine

Do me a favour:-

Peter Crouch - for 'awkward' read '!*!@#'

EasyJet - couldn't organise a drinking session in a brewery

Lasses always wanting to 'have a seat' - stand and grow good

Mates who bleat on about 'cheeky ones' for the ditch - gan to bed man

Nuns - hairy Japanese....

Bork, quality chap

[Denzel]

He does a lot of unseen work.

[Hamburger Pimp]

"What's In and Out at the Worlds Cup of Soccer?", I hear you ask. Since you're asking, I'll tell you.

In

Loads of raking goals scored from long-range

Wayne Rooneys' miraculous metatarsals. Praise be!

African chaps in the full body paint get up.

Low quality goalkeeping

Michael Owens getting all defensive in interviews and sounding like Mike Skinners

The French being no good again. Enjoy it while it lasts

The Angola and USA kits

Italy vs USA, the tournament's only good kicking match

Gelsenkirchen! Trying saying it, it's great. Gelsenkirchen, Gelsenkirchen, Gelsenkirchen!

The Iran carpet square they hand over before kick-off

Liberally dousing one's old chap with yellow food colouring, then later on getting it out in the pub and telling everyone, in a George Formby accent, "It's me World Cup Willy, way-hey!"

Switzerland, normally grindingly dull, having a goalie called Zuberbuhler and a forward called Hakan Yakin.

ITV's theme music. Hey, Kasabians, the sound of the streets, like it, yeah.

I joke of course, it's complete knackersweat.

Moody reserve keepers that don't get on with the other feller.

Setting up your stereo so that, on the occasion of a goal being scored, with a flick of a switch it pumps out "I like to move it" by Reel 2 Reel feat. The Mad Stuntman

Any sighting of oompah bands or lederhosen during a report from Germany

Injured players having to stay on because all of their subs have been used.

Otherwise reserved, perhaps even homophobic men, feeling it's alright to hug and kiss their mates due to a goal being scored.

The look of utter contempt in Gordon Strachans' eyes when asked something fatuous by Adrian Chile or Gary Linekers

William Galla going off on one when Korea scored.

Germany's hosting of the tournament sparking a renewed interest in the works of Goethe, Schiller, Schopenhauer and Sven Hassel

Out

The old-fashioned, manky-looking stretchers being used, that resemble the type of thing Private Godfrey was kitted out with

Italy's "sweaty armpit" design kit and those horrible nike halved goalkeepers tops

After each impressive performance, claiming to have tipped them before the tournament

The confused, nonsensical punditry of David Pleats

Squeezing in an ad break between the end of the anthems and kick-off.

England players seemingly being obliged to wear really !*!@# quality polo shirts when hanging about the hotel.

Folk wearing those football shaped hats at the match. Really, there's no need.

The BBC's masseeve added time graphic.

Showing action replays when the ball is in play

That pair of cornholes out of the Budweiser advert bumpers on ITV

Frankie Lampards just having a shot from anywhere

That deal with swapping those little footballs before kick-off

Endless shots of attractive women in the crowd. We get the picture, there are some tidy boilers in attendance.

Men with sunglasses on the top of their head and wearing three-quarter length trousers, going on about "the footie"

ITV's much-vaunted website. It's !*!@#. And that's swearing.

Pretending that somebody you know has mistaken Trinidad and Tobago for two different teams. No they haven't.

The return of eighties yuppie style stripey shirts.

The Czech Republic's reserve players being, to a man, big, fat, balding brickies.

The indecent haste with which the resurgence of Thierry Henry was proclaimed, only for him to bottle it again and miss a vital sitter.

England scoring when you've got a full pint, most of which is spilled during the ensuing melee

[Denzel]

Geet in there:-

Rafael Marquez's ponytail - none of your Alice band nonsense

Ridiculous product tie-ins - 'official pile cream of the FIFA World Cup'

Boo, hiss:-

Michael Owen being injured again - pansyass

60's obsessed females proclaiming undying love for CK - tell him to his face woman!

[Denzel]

Safe as !*!@# :-

Hoying lager down as England stumble past poor opposition - we're keeping our powder dry

Owen Hargreaves in midfield - the boy done good

Cristiano Ronaldo bubbling - what's the matter love? Lost an eyelash?

Don't diss me:-

Milligans bacon and sausage sandwiches - 2 rashers of bacon and 1 sodding sausage

Paul Robinson - oh dear

Dirk Kuyt - the new Stephane Guivarc'h?

Monday morning hangovers - they smart

Bairns in pubs - get out little people

[Dave]

"The confused, nonsensical punditry of David Pleats " - I agree! that guy calls a game like study in hatstands bring back BIG RON ... or tune into uktv2

[Denzel]

"The confused, nonsensical punditry of David Pleats " - I agree! that guy calls a game like study in hatstands bring back BIG RON ... or tune into uktv2

Yep, he'd have a field day.

[Pencil_Neck]

Safe as !*!@# :-

Hoying lager down as England stumble past poor opposition - we're keeping our powder dry

Owen Hargreaves in midfield - the boy done good

Cristiano Ronaldo bubbling - what's the matter love? Lost an eyelash?

Don't diss me:-

Milligans bacon and sausage sandwiches - 2 rashers of bacon and 1 sodding sausage

Paul Robinson - oh dear

Dirk Kuyt - the new Stephane Guivarc'h?

Monday morning hangovers - they smart

Bairns in pubs - get out little people

[Denzel]

Ulster fry:-

Wetting the bairn's heed - it's binge drinking, but it's acceptable

Dene's Deli - buzzard's breath stottie, get it doon ya neck

Netto et al - 24 cans of cooking lager for c.£10 = bargain

BBC2, 9pm, Monday - Still Game, Catherine Tate & Saxondale; chuckle your way to bed

Mark Radcliffe on daytime Radio 2 - quality choons

Martin Lewis - heaven sent money guru

Bistro style salad:-

Flies - and wasps

Baby sick - it stinks, it stains

Twisty-arsed singer songwriters - add Paolo Nutini to this ever growing list

Light summer nights - I need to get some kip man

[Pencil_Neck]

Ulster fry:-

Wetting the bairn's heed - it's binge drinking, but it's acceptable

Dene's Deli - buzzard's breath stottie, get it doon ya neck

Netto et al - 24 cans of cooking lager for c.£10 = bargain

BBC2, 9pm, Monday - Still Game, Catherine Tate & Saxondale; chuckle your way to bed

Mark Radcliffe on daytime Radio 2 - quality choons

Martin Lewis - heaven sent money guru

Bistro style salad:-

Flies - and wasps

Baby sick - it stinks, it stains

Twisty-arsed singer songwriters - add Paolo Nutini to this ever growing list

Light summer nights - I need to get some kip man

Roasting.....

[Denzel]

Aye, it's bliddy scaddin' ootside.

[Pencil_Neck]

Aye, it's bliddy scaddin' ootside.

You knows it

[Denzel]

You and Velma oot the neet then Mr Neck?

[Dave]

So then my cyber-chums, what's floating your boat at the moment? Alternatively, what's boiling your !*!@# ?

Yes please:-

Bank holiday weekends - 3 out of 2 ain't bad

Mates who throw up over their bedrooms - to the chagrin of the missus

Homemade chicken cacciatore - extra anchovies brings out the flavour

Thatcher's cider - matured in rum barrels; there is a God

The new Alfa Brera - sod your BMW's

Bob Seger's 'Night Moves' - white collar rock rocks

Matalan - a bargain on every gondola end

Beef stroganoff - steak, cream and mushrooms never tasted so good

No thank you:-

The Matrix - only understood by people who do 'blogs'

Buying a new suit - I'm a weird shape (some would say 'fat')

Metatarsal injuries - it's only a bliddy toe lads, put some TCP on and run it off

Work - life's cheaper on the Nat King

Car servicing - £260?! Kiss my !*!@# Mr Agnelli

Jose Mourinho - cheer up man, you used to be funny

No thanks - Leicester ... i stopped into the services on my way up the M1 on Friday. Thought i'd entered

the twilight zone. What a hole. Full of window licking idiots!!! And i'm not just on about the creature behind the counter of KFC !! Dont ever stop there ....just keep on driving

[Hamburger Pimp]

Kentucky Fried Chicken - It's window lickin' good.

[Denzel]

No thanks - Leicester ... i stopped into the services on my way up the M1 on Friday. Thought i'd entered

the twilight zone. What a hole. Full of window licking idiots!!! And i'm not just on about the creature behind the counter of KFC !! Dont ever stop there ....just keep on driving

The boss went there recently and almost got chinned by a group of lads of the 'Asian Persuasion' who took umbrage to his presence in a local shop.

[Pete]

The boss went there recently and almost got chinned by a group of lads of the 'Asian Persuasion' who took umbrage to his presence in a local shop.

Nowt wrong with Leicester

[Dave]

Nowt wrong with Leicester

aye 50 year back mebbe! now its choke full of inbreeds and people with far to much ear hair!!!

[Pete]

aye 50 year back mebbe! now its choke full of inbreeds and people with far to much ear hair!!!

It's now official, Leicester has a white minority. Fifty years ago its less than that I have live in Leicester for the last 36 years and it was a good city when I first moved here but the industry has disapeared over the years, more office blocks and factories above the shops selling cheap clothes.

The age of tolarence I think they call it. Ah well I can always come back to Bedlington.

[Denzel]

It's now official, Leicester has a white minority. Fifty years ago its less than that I have live in Leicester for the last 36 years and it was a good city when I first moved here but the industry has disapeared over the years, more office blocks and factories above the shops selling cheap clothes.

The age of tolarence I think they call it. Ah well I can always come back to Bedlington.

There'll be a pint waiting for you on the bar Pete.

Cue Peters and Lee.....

[Pete]

There'll be a pint waiting for you on the bar Pete.

Cue Peters and Lee.....

Make it two Denzel and al leave straight away.