Remind us, is it 14 days to transfer deadline day or Groundhog day? Because today's big rumour still concerns Owen Hargreaves completing his tabloid transformation from a footballing Greg Rudeski to a Bryan Robson-esque midfield lion by signing for Manchester United.

Equally astounding is the news that Ashley Cole will finally be moving to Chelsea after Arsenal decided to drop their asking price. His trip across London will allow Newcastle to replace modest former Chelsea left-back Celestine Babayaro with, um, modest Chelsea left-back Wayne Bridge.

Dirk Kuyt signs for Liverpool

Joan Collins signs for Newcastle

I wouldn't call Babayaro modest, last time I saw the flash B@stard was in Julies sleazing on to some lass buying shitloads of cristal....no, a better discription would be !*!@#. Wayne Bridge is a canny player, a snip at the reported £3m it would take to sign him. Looks like we'll be starting with Ameobi and Duff up front, that'll do for me like.

Is the match being shown anywhere in Bedlington on Sat?

Remind us, is it 14 days to transfer deadline day or Groundhog day? Because today's big rumour still concerns Owen Hargreaves completing his tabloid transformation from a footballing Greg Rudeski to a Bryan Robson-esque midfield lion by signing for Manchester United.

Equally astounding is the news that Ashley Cole will finally be moving to Chelsea after Arsenal decided to drop their asking price. His trip across London will allow Newcastle to replace modest former Chelsea left-back Celestine Babayaro with, um, modest Chelsea left-back Wayne Bridge.

Dirk !*!@# signs for Liverpool

Joan Collins signs for Newcastle

Well quite.

I wouldn't call Babayaro modest, last time I saw the flash B@stard was in Julies sleazing on to some lass buying shitloads of cristal....no, a better discription would be !*!@#. Wayne Bridge is a canny player, a snip at the reported £3m it would take to sign him. Looks like we'll be starting with Ameobi and Duff up front, that'll do for me like.

Is the match being shown anywhere in Bedlington on Sat?

Crivens, send for the doc

Crivens, send for the doc

Could be worse, could have Peter Crouch up front.

Could be worse, could have Peter Crouch up front.

Quite.......England's No 1

Quite.......England's No 1

Speaking of Kuyt (it's tenuous, but go with it), Newcastle are trying to bury the embarrassment of travelling to Dublin to watch a player they had a 0.000001% chance of signing by bidding for Russian striker Alexander Kerzhakov instead. As they'll be stuck with Shola Ameobi and Albert Luque if that goes belly up, they could probably do with reaching for the panic button several times

Could be worse, could have Peter Crouch up front.

That's a frightning thought.

Good call on getting the black Dean Martin(s).......also there's at least 6 brothers

with the same name.......

Comedy racism aside, getting Martins for less money than Liverpool paid for the rather pedestrian looking Kuyt seems like another nice piece o' bidness on the part of Glenn Roeder.

Comedy racism aside, getting Martins for less money than Liverpool paid for the rather pedestrian looking Kuyt seems like another nice piece o' bidness on the part of Glenn Roeder.

You knows it !*!@#

Will the Toon spend money in the January transfer window or is it more of the same?

Will the Toon spend money in the January transfer window or is it more of the same?

It'll be wisely invested, thanks to sound advice from our superb scouting network.