Lovely Snow

[Brian Cross]

Excerpt from the Diary of a Soft Southern Shandy Drinker living in God's Country this winter, the North East of England.

OUR FIRST WINTER in Northumberland.

Just moved to Northumberland from London and looking forward to our first winter wonderland.

22nd November

It started to snow today! The first of the season, and the very first we have seen for years.

The wife and I took our hot toddies out onto the porch and watched the fluffy soft snowflakes gently drift from the sky, leaving a twinkling diamond-like dusting on the trees and the lawn. It is so beautiful and peaceful here.

23rd November

We awoke delighted to find a beautiful blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the land as far as the eye can see.

What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush is now adorned with a lovely mystical cotton wool covering, sparkling as if sent from heaven itself.

24th November

Today I shovelled for the first time ever and I loved it! I cleared both our driveway and the whole of the pavement outside our house and the house next door.

Later on, a snowplough came past and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver gave a big wave and smiled as he went past, I waved back and then shovelled the driveway clear again.

The children next door built a snowman, with coal for its eyes and a carrot for its nose, they then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car, I threw a couple back and joined in the fun.

25th November

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes have snapped due to the weight of the snow.

I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did the same trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey.

26th November

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon turned into ice as the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both cars.

Fell on my a*s* in the driveway and went to casualty, luckily nothing broken!

27th November

Still cold! Had another 8 inches of white !*!@# last night.

Sold the wife's car the other day and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and caused considerable damage to the right wing. Both the vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush...

The b**t**d snowplough came by twice today! Where's the bloody shovel?

28th November

More f------ snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power off most of the night.

Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and paraffin heater, which then tipped over and nearly torched the house!

Managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns to my hands, and lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes.

Car hit a f------ deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

29th November

F------ white stuff keeps coming down! Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the postbox.

The little b**t**ds next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up their a*s*s, it'll take a surgeon hours to find it!

And if I ever catch the a*s*hole that drives the snowplough, I'll kick him in the boll**ks!

I think the b**t**d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling. He then accelerates down the street like Michael f------ Schumacher and buries the f------ drive again!

30th November

Sixteen more f------ inches of f------ snow, f------ ice, f------ sleet and God knows whatever other white !*!@# fell last night. Can't move my f------ toes, its so cold.

I'm due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick

Haven't seen the sun for five weeks. Minus 20degrees, and more f------ snow forecast!!!

1st December

F--- this!! We're moving back to London .

[Malcolm Robinson]

Like it Brian............ :lol: