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You forgot to add watching the wedding video in reverse, the bride walking up the aisle, getting into the taxi and going back to her mother

Yep and on top of that I know quite a few people holidaying in the UK now! Exchange rates only matter when you buy products in that currency or need it for the likes of holidaying. We have just made British labour, already one of the most productive in Europe, even cheaper for any international investment and with interest rates such as they are there must be sizeable investment capital looking for a home.

Interesting article in the massively EUphile Financial Times:- The inevitable sour comment from a Remonian "Wonderful irony. Vote Brexit to keep out Johnny Foreigner and now look what happens!.... " entirely misses the essential point that tourists bring us some of their wealth, leave in a timely manner, and create jobs, not undercut native Brits in theirs!

I've only done two of those Cannylass......

Where do men go when they get up in the middle of the night? 5% go to the fridge 20% go to the toilet 75% go home

I hope the wife doesn't read this page, Foxy!

Drag it out until nearer May of next year when your County Councillors are looking for your support, Alternatively there's an MP in Ashington who could be persuaded to visit Bedlington if you promise a full page spread in the local rag. You never know your luck, they could take a day off from their prefered duties and actually do something for you.

Dear PAWS; tell them, without grace, to sod off. After all the good work you did, this is utterly disgraceful. Let them take you to court, and explain there is no money.

Life should be lived backwards! Just think how that would be … The most unfair thing about life is that it always ends in death! It ought to be the other way round. We should die first, then it’s over and done with and out of the way. Then we chould have a few years in an old people’s home before being kicked out for being too young and healthy and when we start work we should get a gold watch on our very first day. Then we could work 40 odd years until we are young enough to really enjoy having a pension, drink and party, party, party! Time for infant school next - a little kid with no need for responsibilities and then on to being a baby before spending the last nine months at a spa with central heating and food deliveries. AND the whole thing would be rounded off with an orgasm!

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example: the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen; Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. So it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT-&-DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Here are some handy tips about wine. First and foremost, it’s important to be able to tell the difference between red- and white wines: The easiest way to do this is to spill a drop or two on a white tablecloth. The wine that leaves a purple stain is a red wine. Real connoisseurs can tell a red from a white simply by tasting. Port wine is a wine that is served in port. If you don’t live near a port, a marina, lake or even a paddling pool will do. When you serve a dry wine, make sure that that it’s not windy, or that any of the guests are about to sneeze. In such circumstances you’ll probably get wine dust all over the room. At parties, the following tips can be useful if you think you may have drunk too much wine: Some words are difficult to say when you’ve drunk too much: - Insurmountable - Innovative - Preliminary Some words are even more difficult to say when you’ve drunk far too much wine: - Constitutional - Substantiate - Pecuniary Some words are impossible to say when you’re way over the limit: - No thanks, no more wine for me. - Thanks, but I don’t want sex. - Sorry, you’re not really my type

A teacher told his class: “43% of you will not pass this next maths exam” A voice from the back of the class replied: “I don’t believe that. There are only 26 of us in the class!”

"However, there's great concern that this is now happening among the present generation of youngsters who are adopting the English sexual swear words - and using them in all the wrong places!" Or as the famous quip goes.......not necessarily in the wrong places but certainly at the wrong times!

... and, just to get us back on topic: A middle-aged couple are getting ready for bed. The wife, standing naked in front of a full length mirror, says: “Sweetheart, I see an old woman in the mirror. My face is wrinkled, my boobs are hanging down to my waist, and my backside is sagging a mile. I’ve got fat legs and bat wings under my arms”. Turning to her man she says: “Say something positive about me so I feel better”. “Well”, he answers, “at least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”.

I'm so happy you can have two today! A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone and asks him if he’d like to come over and help her with a giant puzzle which she’s found. - What’s it supposed to be when it’s fineshed? he asks. - According to the picture on the box it’s a cockrel, she replies. - OK. I’ll be over in half an hour, he says. She let’s him in when he arrives and shows him all the pieces on the table. He looks at them for a while, then he looks at the box, then he says: - It doesn’t matter what we do, we’ll never be able to put the pieces together to make anything that even remotely resembles a cockrel. He takes her hand and continues: - So, let’s have a cup of tea and then we’ll put all these cornflakes back in the box.

Diego Maradona decides to come out of retirement and play for Chelsea, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up boys.?" He asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool. They're total shit and we really can't be bothered". Maradona looks at them and says "Well I know I'm over 60 now and a bit fat and grey, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub, I'll sort this out." So Maradona goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the Chelsea team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows "Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 0 He is beating Liverpool all by himself..! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on. "Result from the Stamford Bridge: Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 1 (Sturridge 89 minutes) They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Liverpool..! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat crying with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down" "Don't be stupid Diego, you got a draw against Liverpool all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end..!" Maradonna says "No, No, I have, I've let you all down.!. Cos I got sent off after 12 minutes..!".