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Never heard of the Piv (Pavilion)? Sacriledge! I'm not taking sides here, but anyone 'of a certain age' who has lived in this area and doesn't know the Piv has lead a very sheltered life indeed!

Baa what a mornin me an hor have had, wa went ta book a double apointment at the quacks so wa could both gan in tagitha, wor lass has a yarkin sty on a left yack, what a bramma , someone said if ya rub ya ring on them it clears them up but sha said naa way was my hoop ganin anwhere near hor clock Anyway what a carry on the young bairn on the reseseption wanted ta knaa what was rang wi wus, so wor lass tells ha abbot the sty and the lassy says all posh like ta me Oh and whats wrong with you, wey a told ha av got awfull wind hinny, its givin is such jip we the pain and wor lass is gannin daft aboot the ming an the noise wakin ha up in the nite like, so sha says all posh again like, OH you mean you have flatulence, whey wor lass told ha a woodint push ya luck hinny its took is fiffty years ta get him ta call it wind Anyway in wa gans and the Doc gives her some sort of ointment to rub on ha mince pie and he gave me a pisciption for windcheatas a said ta him de a wear it or swally it hinny but he just looked a bit lost, so a thought that was that like but then wor lass starts wisparin in me lug like tell im abbot ya piles, whey what a showin up e has is lyin doon ont bed wi me knees up ta me chist looking a me grapes of wrath anyway he gives is some o them suppyositries that webrecker was taking aboot so off wa gans yem like an wor lass says sha wood gi is a hand wi the suppyositries so a gets me kecs and me combinations off like in the scullery and sha has is bendinn owa the wesha like tryin ta put them in, whey didint the rent wife walk in the back door, poor wife didint na wear ta put ha face but not ta worry wor lass finnaly managed ta get the thing in for is and a thought that was that like but it wasint , a gans through ti the front room still minus me strides and bent doon ta poke the fire when a sudden atack o the wind cums on and a shot the cat , whey what a mornin, hinney, na more suppyositries fa me an na more cat fa wor lass, If any o yis na o anyins cat havin youngins let is naa,

No need. It's not a fight. Not even an argument, given the opposition.

Why is a mans brain as big as a walnut? Because it's swollen.

EHH gan canny hinny , wor Goorty used ta play that computa bingo, she spent all the hoosekeeping, a rememba me an wor lass used ta gan ti the Pivv at Ashinton years ago, one time a was waitin for one numba fo the Pink Link, a tell tha me hoop was putiinn like a festard finga, hast thy been ti the PIvv hinny , did thy shooot HOOOSE Keep ya tima in hinny

Right. Popcorn cooked to perfection. 'Lights, camera, ............'

Ok. Stop this right now! I've got another batch of popcorn coming out the microwave......

Translation for our ethnic minority readers (Bracketed text for information): 'Now honey I'm enjoying myself far too much to worry about silly things like dignity, just like yourself with all your talk of backsides and haemorrhoids I've got none (funny, I could swear you said your "Farmer Giles" were bothering you). My girl was asking what I was doing on the computer, I said I am talking to big Mouth, she said OHH (No, I've no idea either) that reminds me we need a new mop head, I don't know what made her think of that Keep your powder dry End of translation Moe You are being incredibly silly. As a matter of interest, why are you on the computer? You say yourself that this discussion is boring and that you have no interest in the subject.