Pete

If you are right CK it will be dreamland, I have got fingers and legs crossed, hope you are right. Howay the Toon

Underneath

French

The Toon's got a tough game on Sunday, can they do it? Spurs 3 0 The Toon

Hot Dogs

The following just about sums up some of our modern day MP's "On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)

Truck

Classic, CK

Zebra

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Representative had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! Another well-known is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse can such people exist

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press the Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is. Classic

This one dates back to the days of the five and a quarter inch floppy disk. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

When I take a long time I'm slow When my boss takes a long time he's thorough When I don't do it I'm lazy When my boss doesn't do it he's busy When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When I do something without being told, I'm overstepping my authority When my boss does the same, that's initiative When I take a stand, I'm being bull-headed When my boss does it, he's being firm. When I overlooked a rule of etiquette, I'm being rude When my boss skips a few rules, he's being original When I'm out of the office, I'm wandering around When my boss is out of the office, he's on business When I'm on a day off sick, I'm always sick When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked When I please my boss I'm crawling When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating When I do good, my boss never remembers When I do wrong, my boss never forgets......

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. "Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin. "The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. "Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

Knock Knock Who's there? Emma! Emma who? Emma bit cold out here, can you let me in?

Q; What is a zebra? A; 26 sizes larger than an A bra.

Q; Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A; Because they have big fingers.

Q; Where do you get virgin wool from? A; Ugly sheep.

Q; What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A; A nervous wreck.

Q; What has four legs, is big, green,fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A; A pool table

Fire brigade phones Kevin Kegan in the early hours of Sunday morning... "Kevin, St James Park is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" replies kegan. "Well...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Football