Malcolm Robinson

I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 AM . The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I undressed, hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bath room, 'Mummy, where's my washcloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.' Never going back to that doctor. Ever

Guy goes into pub, orders a pint ,sits down ,looks around the bar and is amazed to see a tiny fellow dressed in white tie and tails about a foot high running up and down the keyboard and playing Rachmaninov's piano concerto. When he's finished his beer he goes for another and asks the barman where he found the piano player, He replied " when I went to the bank yesterday I helped a little old lady across the road, at the other side she thanked me and told me that she was a witch and because of my compassion she was granting me 1 wish, but I think she must have been a bit deaf because I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist!

Pete, Are you one of the guys we used to take down the street from the day centre, all roped together? I think there are still some beds available in St Georges!

Watch what you are saying Symtoms you might just get the jackboots at the door at 3.00am! I think Stalin would have been proud of some of the measures we see coming into law. Good job we live in a free democracy with freedom of speech............

Its too true to post in jokes............. Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull !*!@# might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of !*!@# is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep !*!@#, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Many happy returns MrsVic.

Well Cympil it took long enough to spot the deliberate mistake! And Ken is going to get jiggy with Stephanie Beecham, something disturbing about that! Hats off to Craig Charles, braver man than me! Pete, you really don’t watch it do you!!!!!!!!!

Brian, you will be sleeping it off before we get even started wont you? All the best........

Another Bedlington asset flogged off and the money swallowed up by the new unitary authority I bet! This should have been deferred until way after next March for Bedlington to have even the slightest chance of seeing any of this money, but then what would a parish council do with it? As Councillor Richmond said they will be ‘pressing’ to get some of it spent in the area whereas it should be Bedlington’s by right. I am wondering why WDC seem to have pushed these sales through recently? A million off Prestos car park, half a million here and it already has won a million quid’s worth of upgrades. 2.5 million, not a bad start for what should have been the new Bedlington District Council! I think the town is sleepwalking into oblivion! Pssst......anyone want to buy a community centre cheap......

As Mr Buffet says, you only realise the guy isn't wearing swimming trunks when the tide goes out!

And did the people who got their money out just in the nick of time have a close encounter of the fourth kind? Ahh but they might have to repay profits! How does that work?

People pleaded to join up and tried to get into his golf club (250K per year fees) to bump into the guy. One word.... Schadenfreuden!

Belated Happy Birthday Pete and all the best for the New Year.

BIG PEOPLE WORDS A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher Insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always Reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!' She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'. She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?' ( I love this.....) Alex thought real hard about it, Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the !*!@#'

*Expressions* > > Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST cheque she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face." > > Daughter: "OK" > > Later.... > > Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face." > > Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face.

How are Albert Tatlock, Mini Coldwell, Ena Sharpels, Elsie Tanner, Annie Walker and Ken Farecluff doing these days?

Merry Christmas everyone hope you all have a good 2009. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niIJ9Yb-xwQ

You are being daft Sym, that could never happen here.............. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/353...ar-veteran.html

Seems they were told beforehand! http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/oly...EMC-Bltn=E9MCX9

.,.. and anyone who disagrees is a Criminal .. go to jail. Thats the problem and with authoritarian gov's........ Just scratching around trying to answer GGG's post Sym.........

In fact have the police ever shot a genuine terrorist in order to stop an act of terrorism? I can't recall a single case. Iranian Embassey.........then...............er????

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20081127/tuk-sc...me-45dbed5.html

I was amazed the other day when I heard the minister say what was going to happen; I thought it had been quashed? It’s the start of implementation by any other name! Oh but then isn’t it the Gov’s favourite way of getting stuff like this through, put it out when everyone’s attention is drawn to bad news and for bad news read pre budget report! Just stick a chip into everyone or bar code us and be done!!!!!! Nice one Symtoms.........

Looking at other sites which have had massive public funding to build the infrastrucure needed to hold the games it is not hard to see what tax payers are going to 'own' after the games have had their short lives. Did no one learn anything with the Millenium Dome fiasco? It was nice to actually win the bid but I felt it was like winning an all expenses paid cruise on the Titanic!

Hang on GGG, doesn't this fit exactly with Gordon's Kensyan economic model? The one he is using to save us all from a recession, spend generations of future tax receipts on current public works.