Malcolm Robinson

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three decided to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they gained 10 pounds. And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'. And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits. Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service !!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know? 'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' New suit - £400 New shirt - £36 New underwear - £6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS!

Political jokes........ A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.'

Yes pics please Brian.........

Double happy birthdays and a possible congrats

Might just need someone to pitch it to them GGG? I think it might take more than micro grants once super Tescos gets under way!

Maybe the only small mercy is that Gordo has figured out a way to tax even this! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/6098830.stm Bet the French would have found a way around the EU rubbish! Anything anti the 'French way of doing things' is completley disregarded in France! Might be a lesson there for the UK before every UK small business is drown in EU regulation!!!!!!!

It could have been worse GGG, you could have been a London ratepayer............

Best of luck with the move........ Saudi del Shields, lots of happy childhood memories.......

Like GGG I am a bit shocked by your announcement as unlike a lot of traders in the town you at least seemed to be using each and every means at your disposal to stimulate trade. When someone is forced into this action because of no fault of their own it is especially depressing! Best of luck wherever you end up! “Even worse: quite unnoticed by Joe Public he sold off all our gold reserves at the worst possible moment for a fraction of what they'd now be worth.” He nearly set the price himself by letting the world know he was selling well before time and thereby initiating a drop in the price of gold just before he sold. Ah yes our well respected Iron Chancellor! ‘Real inflation is far higher than the government can admit, and it is focusing on all the wrong things. House prices are set to fall 25% or 30% off the peak, real wages simply have to fall, and the party is well and truly over!’ I am even more bearish everything just seems so stacked against a ‘moderate’ correction!

The problem historically with the likes of sports centres/swimming pools etc is that they are a drain on the ratepayers. Yes lots of people shout about not having one but maybe it is just a case of ‘keeping up with the Jones’s’ as in most cases the same people never frequent the places and so never pay anything towards making them self financing. This could in some way be alleviated by “ours’ being a multi use facility and by so being try to attract as many different paying ‘customers’ as possible. Also it could end up being the community centre? Course it is all pie in the sky at the minute...........

Doughpee, the cash should be ring fenced now so it should be a fact! Last upgrades on Front Street were for street furniture, a smallish grant obtained by community spirited people wanting to make the town look a bit better. The one before that was for footpaths, obtained by WDC: course they put down patio slabs instead of paving slabs but that is another tale.................. Dave, you might well ask. It may well be that commercial property owners will be given this funding to upgrade the front of their premises and at first glance looks like a very good deal for them even if there are time limits attached! It may well HAVE to be structured like that to get them onboard! Missvic, so much cynicism from one........! There are ways to try and make sure that doesn’t happen, if you are interested? But you have identified what I think could be a major problem within the scheme, Tesco. Theduncow, there is still the initiative to get a sports centre (of sorts) at Gallagher Park and I know people are working to try and get the school playing fields opened up for community usage. At the end of the day it is YOUR town, if you want to let the civic planners etc have carte blanch and decide how and where the town develops so be it, but you abdicate the right to criticise afterwards! I think it is pretty fundamental for a community website like this one to discuss and debate changes in the town which affect everyone so...........

http://www.newspostleader.co.uk/latest/2m-...gton.4147001.jp

If you have a problem visualising lenghts and weights.......... http://www.sensibleunits.com/

http://www.weboma.com/best-internet-photos-of-2007/

Happy birthday Monsta, a year older and wiser!

Just released under the 'freedom of information'.......... http://www.mod.uk/DefenceInternet/FreedomO...2007InTheUk.htm

I think a lot of people’s problems are with the Government! They seem to change the curriculum every 5 minutes and insist on testing kids almost weekly so a league table can be produced. They have now come out and said there are too many tests and that isn’t in the best interests of the kids! No wonder teachers are on the war path, anyone would with this type of leadership! Having said that we all know everyone remembers the good teacher we had but by that very nature it means we forget the dozen bad ones too! Results seem to get better and better yet there are more kids leaving school with inadequate literacy and numeracy skills, how do we square that one? All I was saying was that maybe if we taught/showed kids what was expected of them as adults then we might get the rewards in society we need and people like Doughpee might be able to answer his own questions.

Perchance it is the same the world over?

Better or worse Brian? I don't see how moving the decision makers even further away from the public can bring local Gov closer to the people it serves?

I understand what you are saying sizsells and agree but WE also have a responsibilty.........making sure the people we elect stick to their mandates! I for one would be keen to see just how a councillor is going to impliment the above or was it just another empty jingoism! Can't see it being anything else really.

So Bedders now has 2 Lib Dem councillors out of the 3. That is a shcok in itself!

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. Before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their 'physical' relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather trustingly. 'Well,' she said, responding very carefully, 'I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently.' The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked; 'Was that one word or two?