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keith lockey

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Everything posted by keith lockey

  1. keith lockey
    NOW HERE'S A FUNNY THING. Where I live - down where the old Terrier pub used to be - we have been having power cuts every week. The latest one happened at approximately 1am-1.30am this morning. The house alarms went off et al. I know this because I had to go to the loo about that time and had to splash my boots in the dark. I did'nt phone the electric company because I thought they would automatically know - because street lights were off as well. When I phoned at 7.30am I was told the Elec' Company weren't made aware of the power cut until 6am - when a member of the public phoned them! They also said they NEVER KNOW unless someone reports a power cut / fault. So the moral of this story is - if your lights go out report it immediately because there are no flashing lights going off at the grid system. They are - if you excuse the pun - in the dark about your power cut. I'll know next time.
  2. keith lockey
    Medication!!! Hello nurse, who are those two men in the white coats and why have you got that syringe..." Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. The priest asks, "What's bothering you, Mary my dear?' Mary says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.' 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible, did he have any last requests?' 'That he did, Father.' 'What did he ask, Mary?' 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun.....'
  3. keith lockey
    I'll have you know I got those from my Beezer Bumper Book of Jokes and Jolly Japes - the one with the Bash Street Kids on the front. They were good then and they're still good now. Now where's my Beano Annual?
  4. keith lockey
    Ring Brothers Circus have made the sad announcement that the Bearded Lady and Coco the Clown are getting a divorce. Apparently she caught him fooling around. They also announced that they had sacked Samson the Strongman. They said he wasn't pulling his weight. The same circus pitted one of its cheetahs against a grayhound in a hundred-yards dash. It was a close run thing but the cheetah won by a whisker. NOW THAT'S BAD.
  5. keith lockey
    And I thought mine were bad!
  6. keith lockey

    Chess

    keith lockey posted a topic in Gaming

    If anyone likes a game of chess but doesn't have anyone to play with then here is a good site. It sometimes helps to enlarge the screen to get rid of the ads. Just click on the play button. http://www.postcardc...puterchess.html
  7. keith lockey
    I went to the pub the other night and there was a fish sitting at the keyboards on the stage. "Look at that!" I said. The barmaid shrugged and said "It's a piano tuna."
  8. keith lockey
    I watched an Australian sitcom last night. It was set on a lonesome sheep farm in the outback. It wasn't remotely funny.
  9. keith lockey
    I never bothered with these that much until I heard this - awesome guitar playing.
  10. keith lockey
    I've just bought a new telescope. Things are looking up.
  11. keith lockey
    http://www.bbc.co.uk...health-19436926 They should have asked my dad (Behind Bar) and his mates first. (PS The one on the right is Dusty Thornton but I don't know who the other is. Can anyone help?)
  12. keith lockey
    Then there's the Geordie version of Hawaii Five-0 - Wey Aye Five-)
  13. keith lockey
    What's the pay like? And do I get to say "Book him, Danno. (Malco)"
  14. keith lockey
    The only connection I could make was Gene Hackman starred in the Conversation and he also starred in Mississippi Burning - which was about the KKK.
  15. keith lockey
    I've just finished reading a book about a small kid from Liverpool who moved to the wide open spaces of Kansas. You should have a read of it. It's called...LITTLE SCOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
  16. keith lockey
    The only white pointy hat I have is the one they gave me at school to stand in the corner with.
  17. keith lockey
    ???
  18. keith lockey
    I've just got one as well. I cancelled it until I can find out more.
  19. keith lockey
    I've just received the NORTHUMBERLAND Adult Learning prospectus this week. Now is it me, or does everyone on the cover look American!!! I'm sorry, but it just looks as if its a brochure for Mitt Romney's ideal of the future or Bible belt USA. (Stock photo?)
  20. keith lockey
    Brett, thought you might like to hear this. Brilliant film, brilliant soundtrack.
  21. keith lockey
    Brilliant, Malcolm. I've got both versions - Johnny Cash and Nine Inch Nails - Trent Reznor of the latter wrote it.
  22. keith lockey
    I preferred fade Into You - I thought that was cool.
  23. keith lockey
    The worst one I ever heard in a supermarket was in Sommerfields at Bedlington. It was a girl band's cover version of Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb. They had to restrain me from ripping the speakers off the wall.
  24. keith lockey
    Your photographic library truly astounds me, Foxy. Have you got one of Dodge City 1871? or San Francisco at the time of the gold rush? (PS - Silicone!!!! He had silicone in those darn days!) He must have got it via the time-machine he had in the back room. (And don't tell me he didn't have a time-machine, because he had everything else!) If you look at the upstairs storeroom windows they are jammed packed. One match and 'look ma, I'm on top of the world."
  25. keith lockey
    I remember going into Matty Robinson's once and hearing this disembodied voice coming from somewhere behind some boxes. Then there was the patter of feet belonging to some hound. (I think it was a black labrador) The shop was a cross between Arkwrights and Aladdin's cave. I thought if a fire breaks out here you don't stand a chance. I'm sure if John Wayne walked in there he could have bought a Winchester Rifle and some shells and a saddle for his hoss.
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