Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)

Could it have been the open cast site that was down Church Lane on the way to the baths. I can remember the large machinery, cranes & trucks (we called them euk's) that we passed. The inner tubes of the large wheels from these 'euk's' made their way to the baths, all on their own, so we could dive, from the side of the baths, through the centre. But I can't remember any red stuff, just black & white to me.

aye,the budge, happy memories of courting this lass from the rows and kissing and cudling in the budge at the red lion waiting for the bus home..cant remember what time the last bus was at but remember well the happy tingly feel of being in love..her mother would often say.." dont be hanging round all nite in the budge as someone will be telling your dad and you know what will happen then"

lol..there was a few times that i would miss the last bus just for that extra time together and end up walking home to the sound of my mother saying.."have you been up to bedlington with that dorty lass again".

there was definatly a strong smell of wee in the corner and a strong smell of woodbine too..

the guy in the above picture wearing the glasses was a trendsetter in his day..i just paid 150 euros for some specs like those..gok wans frames,pure designer stuff..i was wearing them at work and one guy asked did they not have any other ones and another said the last time he saw glasses like that alf garnett was wearing them..lmao

lmao, I did - 'gok wans; not have any others, Alf Garnet'. Start a new topic Wonky - Specs thru the ages. I remmeber my first set - Horn rimmed and I think they cost, me mam, approx 14shillings 7 8pence (no idea why that specific figure popped out of memory banks). I know I have a photo (1959?) filed away. Probably took them off before entering the station budgie to remain cool!

Iv'e got a more recent similar pic but for some reason it won't upload, after iv'e recovered my laptop from the back garden and replaced the broken window I'll have another try

There is a close up on this site, in the Gallery, when it was 'unveilled' in 1953 for the coronation, with The Picnic Queens:-

Foxy - your recent photo, from your latest hiking expedition, with rear view of rucksack, is rather outstanding.

Paul - The Station hut was much more up market - smelt of beer, tabs and piddle.

Bedlington Station shelter, that was back off the road at the bottom of South Row before the chemists and railway gates, was referred to as The Budgie Hut and as The Lone Ranger says the placque on the shelter was BUDC that we pitmatic lot traslated into The Budgie Hut. Can we find photos of the Red Lion & Bedlington Budgies?

More school photo,s from the 60s, supplied by Martin & Susan - Susan not on the Class 2R 63/64 photo as she was absent the day it was taken.

Both Martin and Susan were in the same class as me throughout our time at Westridge. I last spoke to Martin was on Percy Street, Newcastle, in 1970 ... I'd just arrived off the King's Cross train and was walking up to the Haymarket to catch a bus for the onward journey to my parent's place (alas, no longer Bedders). The last time I saw Susan was at a party in Bedlington Station (she was with Martin) in 1967 ... I think it might have been a school leaving party... it could even have been in her home (did she live at B/Station?). Martin, if memory serves me correctly, lived at West Lee.

Eggs - I'll send you a personal message through the Forum with my name and contact details which you might like to pass on to Martin & Susan; it would be great to hear directly from them.

Ok. Never used that method but I will check everywhere for your message and pass it on.

Martin lived in Lilly Avenue just east of the Terriers football field - Susan I believe was Melrose Avenue at the Bank Top.

Eggy - it's good to hear that you're in contact with Martin and Susan (childhood sweethearts). I'll amend the 'master' photos.

Martin = 1, of 27, of the direct descendant cousins on the Henderson line.

If you think there is anything else they (+ his two older sisters that both went to Westridge) can help with let me know and I will ask.

And a couple more. These two are rehearsals for prize-giving evening, again 1966/7. The second photo shows the Headmaster George (Geordie) Hemmings.

As to other names ... fill-in the blanks folks.

I sent the photos off to Martin Henderson. Martin and wife(ex Westridge also) replied :-

Number 1 on westr1ithnames

Westridge 1

Number 1 Martin Henderson

2 Barbara Ridge

3 Susan Lindsay

4 Michael Routledge

5 Paul Hewish

6 Melvyn Jamieson.

directly behind Melvyn is Carole Johnstone

to left of numbers 4 & 5 is Brian Corner

to right of Susan (3) is Marjorie Mayes

Westridge3:-

Front Row. reading left to right

Carole Johnstone, Irene Ellison, Martin Henderson, Paul Hewish, Barbara Ridge, Michael Routledge, Melvyn Jamieson.

Middle row

Judith Oliver, Susan Lindsay, Yvonne Thompson, Marjorie Mayes.

Top row

Shirley Andrews, Alan Temple, Ann Graham, Brian Corner, Helen Hurst.

Dear Symptoms

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

No one is listening until you fart.

So we will see you back here in 2018.

Les Dawson was funny but definitely did not watch - 'An audience with............. - a dead person'. How sick was that and to have Lional Blaire on!

Anyway here are some Paraprosdokian sentances:-

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ~ not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it, so I said "Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way you look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø Some people hear voices, some see invisible people, others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that travels twice as fast when you run after it as it does when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Ø Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Ø Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

This one makes sense.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

HPW's tale of blokes being shifted when pits closed reminded me of my Uncle.

When he was four (1916 I think) he had his arm chopped-off when a coal train went over it. Him and his mates were trying to flatten pennies on the track (penny on rail, train wheel squashes it) when it slipped off and he attempted to retrieve it from below the sleeper but the weight of the approaching loco pressed the sleeper into the ballast trapping his hand, off came his arm above the elbow. Anyway, when he left school he got a job down the Algernon pit at West Allotment as a 'pumpman' ... a job he had his entire working life. When the Algernon closed he was shifted to Backworth, when that closed he went to High Pit, then onto Wheatslade. I remember him saying that most of his workmates went with him, although some of the younger ones moved down to the Midlands to work in some of their new 'superpits'. He was an amazing bloke who could do just about anything one-handed; roll a snout, open a box of matches and strike the match all in one movement, fasten shoelaces, knot a tie, peel tatties, etc. He had a false arm in a drawer but never used it preferring 'an empty sleeve'.

Oh, and he always gave me 'half a dollar' pocket money each week.

Wilma should definitely open a new topic on Pit Stories/Tales. The flattening of pennies on the track reminds me of when they showed us school kids how to make a knife, to play Split The Kipper, by placing a six inch nail on the rail track and it would be flattened like a knife blade when the next train went over it.

Part of my Dad's collection is this picture of the start of the 'Free Woods'.

You can see the bandstand over the grassed area.

Your dad will be Alan Lockey's hero if that old pic has a date on the back? Alan still trying to work out when it was built, and demolished.

Couple of shots of South Row (colour one was taken in 2004).

Also 2 pics of the CO-OP on the opposite side of the road.

The old picture of the Co-op must be a good age I notice there is no bus stop sign on the telephone (telegraph) post. Spent many a time in the door ways after getting fixed up in the Rae Hall! But also spent many hours sheltering in the door ways whilst waiting for the Morpeth bus.

Anybody noticed hoo once a get wound up,a tek sum stopping!!

A write like a taak.....!Sorry if aav hogged the channel....[C.B.-speak...circa 1981!]

Now just listen here Wilma, just keeping getting wound up. There are loads, like 'tonyg' and me, that were turned away from the pits by parents that enjoy the stories. You should move off this Puddlers Raw topic and start a Pit Story page. I have one uncle left alive, born 1937, that worked at the pits, ended up at Bates, but has always lived in Choppington since getting married. Must be loads of good reading. I had a mate at the 'A' pit that they us to say - who's that little lad lad on the end of that cxxk?

Thanks John for clearing up my confusion aboot "Piss-pot raa",so it wasn't the slang name for Puddler's raa!

Eggy,the street to thi right of this picture ,sloping doon a slight gradient,was called "South row",or,as we used ti say,in the old days...."Sooth raa".

I worked with all the Hills family at different times,and different pits,as thi years rolled by.

Bobby Hills,and his Brother Billy were Coalcuttermen at thi "Aad pit",in this picture,and Norman,[cousin..i think...],worked at Bates Pit..as well as thi Aad pit.

They were all good workers,and nice blokes to work with.

For all i have vivid memories of my pit experiences,i'm snookered trying ti think where the Aad pit canteen was!!...a just canna picture it in me mind.

A can mind loads of blokes who worked there,when aa was transferred there in 1965,after Choppington high pit closed,aal the way doon from the bath's attendants,time office,lamp cabin,heapstead,shaft bottom,and aal the way inbye,and onto the faces!

And that's a lot of names in me heed!

As I will have passed that canteen every school day for six years on the way to Barrington CP you would think I could not forget where it was, but there is that very small doubut. I believe it was just to the left of this picture, a single story sandy coloured brick building. I am 99% sure. Doubt if we will ever find a picture, unless the canteen staff had an xmas party and invited The Management!

"I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle."

spat my tea out reading that one, brilliant.

"Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'"

I have actually used this retort, to mixed effect.

Chubby Brown on stage singing and 'pogoing' (if that's a word) -'You fat bastard, you fat ...........................................

The wife nearly wet herself.

Read the previous Tommy Cooper one liners and thought I have some of them, and probably 80% not on this site, so:-

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.

Yes, he was brilliant!!

1 ... Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,

'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 ... A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23.. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Just wondering if anyone out there has any pictures of the Bandstand that used to be on the grassed area near the furnace bridge....opposite the Halfpenny woods. Ive hunted hi and lo for shots of this, but cant find any anywhere. It used to be quite popular in the 60's, mainly with the salvation army playing, but i do remember a group playing there once, and it was very busy, and very noisy.

ALSO, can anyone tell me when the bandstand was demolished ?

Alan - thought this would be rather easy for me, with a couple of relatives having lived around the Bank Top and the Oval for years, and still do. As kids, say 8 to 14 years, we lived down there. As yet no trace of anyone having a photo. Meeting older relatives in a couple of weeks and the subject will be discussed. So still only the picture from [http://www.bedlingto...y3/37/index.htm attachment=2855:Bandstand_Free_side.jpg]

My condolences to the family.

I did not know of the older generations, the teachers, but when you get back to researching the family I would give Bedlington Cricket Club a call. I see they have reformed and have a web site http://bedlingtoncc.co.uk/ . My memories of them is that I used to go out with a Hemsted in the late 60's and I recall the Hemsted's; Marley's; Straker's & Pearson's were all either related or extremely good friends. The current reformation of the club shows these names are still involved :-

President – Bill Marley

Chairman – Malcolm Straker

Committee – Elected officials plus Malcolm Humble, Malcolm Hemsted, Colin Campbell, Ian Campbell, Nick Carr, Lindsey Douglas.

Friday - Three Horse Shoes my mate, who used to play cricket for Cramlington in the 60s thru to the -80s jumped straight in when I said 'Marley' and he said - Bill; Teacher; lived down Humford; played for Bedlington CC, smashing bloke. So looks like the links are there at the reformed Bedlington CC.

p.s. and he still has a dustbin lid that he used in the back street at East Cramlington.

Frog Spit - as described by Symptoms =

We used to chew 'tarry-toot'. Pick it up from where the roads were being laid or repaired. It tasted a bit like liquorice.

One lad used to eat it, he turned into a right cyclepath!

The playing facilities are located….

Hirst Head, Bedlington, Northumberland, NE22 5QH ….this is not a postal address

http://bedlington.play-cricket.com/home/home.asp Play Cricket

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Bedlington-Cricket-Club/14878136250 Facebook

https://twitter.com/Bedlingtoncc Twitter

My condolences to the family.

I did not know of the older generations, the teachers, but when you get back to researching the family I would give Bedlington Cricket Club a call. I see they have reformed and have a web site http://bedlingtoncc.co.uk/ . My memories of them is that I used to go out with a Hemsted in the late 60's and I recall the Hemsted's; Marley's; Straker's & Pearson's were all either related or extremely good friends. The current reformation of the club shows these names are still involved :-

President – Bill Marley

Chairman – Malcolm Straker

Committee – Elected officials plus Malcolm Humble, Malcolm Hemsted, Colin Campbell, Ian Campbell, Nick Carr, Lindsey Douglas.

I have been reliably informed that the streets which were located around the 'Bank Top' area were as follows -

Starting at what used to be Joe Jennings farm and shop including Mansion House now possibly 'Smiles' was Glassey Terrace. The first 7 houses were originally named Howard Terrace but the name was changed to Glassey Terrace as a result of misdirected mail as another Howard Terrace existed in Netherton.

Families living in Glassey Tce in the 1940s/1950s were -

1 - Storey

2 - Jobson

3 - Storey

4 - Watson

5 - Tait

6 -

7 - Hedley

8 - Moscrop

9 - Proudlock

10 - Hedley

11 - Andrews

12 - Brown

13 - Gregg

14 - Morton

15 - Gibson

16 - Wonford

Next came the Bank Top Hotel(opened in 1903) Landlord J McKenna.

To the left of the Bank Top pub was a row of about 4 cottages occupied by families McSparron, Cole and Thompson. These cottages were next to the Puddlers Arms which contained flats occupied by Bell, McGregor, Miller , Rooney. These were also known as Craggs Buildings. This collection of homes including the Puddlers Arms were eventually cleared to make way for what is now River View Close.

Continuing away from the Bank Top was River View -

1 - Turnbull

2 - Scoular

3 - Patterson

4 - Dodds

5 -

6 -

7 -

8 -

9 - Stanners

10 - Metcalfe

11 - Tipple

12 - Dawson

13 - Mood

14 - Hall

15 - Short

16 - Fenwick

17 -

18 -

19 - Douglas

20 - Coe

Staying on the right hand side of the road next came 'Puddlers Row'. These houses ran as far as number 2 Stead Lane across the area at the top of what is now Tomlea Avenue where the cottages are.

Families in Puddlers Row approx mid 1950s (some show numerous or duplicate names as families moved or swapped houses)-

1 - McGarry/McAndrews

2 - Donohoe

3 - McCafferty

4 - Conomy

5 - Noon/Odonnell/Tellum

6 - Thain/Furness

7 - Neary

8 - Mullarkey/Smallman

9 - Bellerby

10 -Carey

11 - Murphy/Bolam

12 - Nicholson

13 - Weatheritt

14 - Kelly/Snowdon

15 - Kinghorn/McCafferty

16 - Oliver

17 - Birch/Mulholland/Mole

18 - Easton/Craze

19 - Smallman/Walker/McCafferty

20 - Mullarkey/Earl

These houses led onto Stead Lane with the even numbers on the right as you headed towards Bedlington and the odd numbers (Doyles Shop side)on the left.

I also have an almost complete list of families for Stead Lane if anyone wants them posted.

Please note the information was compiled by my Father (who is now 84 years old and has lived at the Bank Top all his life)and a few old family friends whose names appear in the lists of families. I cannot comment on their accuracy or the exact dates as no records were used only 'grey matter' and memories.

Hope my 'grey matter' is still working in 20 years time. Tell him thank you and well remembered from me.

TO ALL THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL

THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID 'IF I TOLD YOU, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.'

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HAND WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

27. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

28. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.

She said: "Sorry about the wait.†I said: "Don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.â€

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

2009 TOP SMART ANSWERS

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART AxxE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.