Symptoms

We often used to go and set light to bonfires being assembled by other lads elsewhere in Bedders ... a good time to strike was a couple of nights in advance as the stacks were often guarded the night before. Penny for the Guy usually allowed us enough to buy supplies of 'penny bangers' (about pencil thickness x 3" long) and 'tuppenny bangers' (same length but 1/2" dia and usually a maroon colour) - our supplier was Adamson's sweet shop in Ridley Terrace, just around the corner from the Red Lion. Some years we didn't even bother to make a Guy ... one of the lads would dress in old togs and slump in one of our boggies and the drunks coming out of the Red Lion didn't twig. KeithL is correct about turnips being called snaggies or snags. I often annoy Mrs Symptoms by calling most root vegetables 'snags' and she responds by calling me a "working class Geordie lout" - always a laugh!

... "BBC's Jim'll Fix it". Oh, no ... we'll be having Operation Yewtree working with the Bedder's Peelers looking into this matter.

News of a most disturbing nature has reached us from the Front; the enemy has indeed committed war crimes against the Forces of Good. As we speak the War Crimes Commission is gathering evidence which shows a range of vile methods used by the Wearjunta before and during the battle for the Bunker of Plight salient. Some of these reports are indeed shocking. The kidnapping of key members of Toonbrigade unit commanders and sending them on Death Flights over the North Sea - this terror method was developed in certain South American countries. The indiscrimated use of local zombie hordes deployed to infect our healthy boys. Finally, probably the biggest crime of the day was the outrageous claim made by the mackemdeputy-minister of information. Ian McDonald, the Allies spokesman, breaking the news of the events from the 'dark place': mackemzombies: mackemdeputy-minister of information: A further bulletin has just been released by Ian McDonald that a number of Fifth Columnists are being rounded-up in the Northumberland homelands, especially in Bedlington. No details yet, but we hope to bring you images of this important work later.

Reports of a most disturbing nature have been sent to Allied Tooncommand Center from one of our brave agents operating deep behind the enemy frontline. A crack unit of mercenaries have been see driving north from their base on the banks of that smelly Tees-swamp; this notorious chemical warefare unit, the Smoggiemackem Troop, are suspected of moving their illegal horde of weapons of mass-distruction (WMD) towards the Bunker of Plight salient. Supreme Allied Commander 'Percy' Pardew has stated that if this vile group manage to deploy their WMD's against his forces it could delay the ultimate outcome of the campaign until May next year, he has however warned his forces of this new danger and reminded them that it was used earlier during the infamous Battle of Gallowgate. The Smoggiemackem Troop pictured moving North: Meanwhile, our Free French Regiment was pictured with our Supreme Allied Commander 'Percy' Pardew at their 'jump-off' point: The Free French Mid-field General was seen practicing taking long-range shots in anticipation of the battle tomorrow:

The Bedders Dobbin Basher sent down for 12 months; read the story here ... http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-24650261

Further news from the regional conflict ... The advance Glorious Toonfan V1 Brigade seen crossing the majestic Tyne on the Shield's Ferry enroute to the Front: Our brave boys shown in the First Class lounge onboard the ferry: The Magnificent Toonfan XII Brigade leaving the Central Station on one of the many special trains heading towards the Front:

Drawing close is the final battle of freedom from the savage effects of the evil being done to all right-thinking folks by the Forces of Darkness holed-up in the ruined Bunker of Plight. Our brave undercover agent continues to smuggle out vital intelligence on the planning being done by the enemy in advance of what The Forces of Good hope will be the decisive battle this weekend. The 'tinpot' South American dictator Gus Poison leading a training session: The mackem brigade's forwardline during their training session this morning:

Hire a Tardis (you can do this), stock it with historic Bedders lookalikes (Daniel Gooch and others) in costume, have them emerge from the time machine to turn the lekky on. Perhaps a Dr Who lookalike could use a sonic screwdriver to do the deed ... obviously, this bit would be an act and would need somebody with the real switch hiding in sight of the Doctor. Variations on this theme - Martians emerging from mock flying saucer could do the deed on his/her/its way for a haircut; for our younger viewers somebody will be along soon to explain this one.

Now over to the Thatcher apologists perhaps ....

Yeh, even tramping across Russia's endless, snow-covered birch forests would have been a blessed relief from her horrible deeds. At the time, even reading Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn's The Gulag Archipelago and One day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich suggested there may have been a more comfortable place to be than under the Thatcher jackboot.

I'm not so sure that 'making these images' or even having them saved on you PCs, is a wise thing to do ... if you know what I mean.

Adam - trouble is that many of us here would love to get involved but we aren't Bedders based ... quite a few of us aren't even in Blighty.

Eggs wrote: "... with the rest of the world.". I take this to mean that you were comparing the sunlit countries beyond our shores with the shadow-filled place created here by that vile, evil witch?

Today marks the centenary of the Britain's worst pit disaster when 439 miners were killed in an underground explosion ... it happened in Wales but miners everywhere faced the same risks. Read more here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-24516312 and here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-24506122

Higgs was shown on Newsnight earlier in the week trying to explain what the thing was ... he couldn't! Anyway, old Heinz Wolff (remember him?) was interviewed by Paxo about it and gave a great explanation ... he said it was like a missing bit of Leggo in a block of lots of Leggo - in other words a HOLE. This hole was where the mass was. Obviously, I've simplified the explanation for our younger viewers - those identified this week as being near the bottom of the international '3Rs' list. Find it here on the Beeb's iplayer: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b03cp264/Newsnight_08_10_2013/

Had you been on Blue Peter maybe Operation Yewtree would have been interested in a witness statement from you.

Maggs wrote: "Mine brought to life a bride doll ..." Like this ...?

Rumours from Allied HQ that a small unit of the Forces of Darkness, formally based in that dank cellar above a disused colliery, have been spotted trying to re-group under the leadership of a fella from a small South American country. Uruguay was a former bolt-hole for the escaping former bosses of the earlier evil fascist regime of the 30s and 40s. The small enemy force, made-up mainly of old men and boys, have been charged by their new leader to defend "until the death", their ruined bunker of plight. Our brave agent managed to smuggle-out a couple of photos taken at this meeting which show the speech ...

Keith wrote: "...and eventually by rail ...". Does this mean that there are plans to regularly send a passenger service through B/Station?

i can clearly remember the stacks of props in the pit yard and playing on and in them ... they never seemed to roll away or collapse, I suppose this was due to the guys who stacked them knowing what they were doing. I can also remember the pit pond at the yard - it seemed (at the time us lads) to be huge and deep area of water contained in a massive riveted iron tank. I'm not sure it was used for anything in the 60s apart from housing vast colonies of frogs and spawn ... I suppose it was originally used as a water reservoir for the various steam engines used at the pit in earlier times. One year for bonfire night we nicked all the new fencing from the back of the council offices (Front St) to build a monster bonfire ... it sure burned well. The earlier fencing boards we had away for our fortified camp which was on my Dad's allotment 'down the cut' ... The Cut was a collection of allotments and waste land which ran from the Council Office's rear car park near Clovelly Gardens and down between the back of East Riggs & Windsor Gardens to Acorn Avenue - there were two rough footpaths running the length of this area, hence 'The Cut' (shortcut). The area is now built over - Windsor Court according to Google Earth. We also used this area as a motor bike scramble track ... down one cut (Riggs side) across the bottom (Acorn) and back up the other cut (Windsor) to the car park and repeated again and again and again. The bikes were things like old James Cadets, Velocettes, and similar - lots of Villiers engines. I have some 8mm film footage (now on DVD) taken by my Dad from a rear bedroom window of us riding the motor bikes - I didn't know this footage existed until quite recently when I converted all the film discovered when clearing my Mum's house after she died.

Yep, a good story teller ... but, but, but a rabid Republican!

That centre forward was a little fella ... that borrowed jacket of his you've got on would just look daft on him. Just shows what a cheepo outfit those from that dark place were ... a job lot of XXXL blazers from Man-at-C&A. This is being written at half-time ... Everton 3 Toon 0 (watching it on Sky) so I've got to get my scraps of comfort from somewhere.

He couldn't be away that long if he'd been lifted by aliens ... they're pretty quick with their probings; he'd have been back ages ago. Nah, I'm going with the bluebottles.

GGG ... "Peking" is fine but "slitty-eyed commie" is probably in race crime territory. However, MK should always be read in the original German.

Oh no, Wonk! Now you've got me worried ... not the buzzing of flies and the horrible honk when the Peelers go knocking.