Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Cympil]

Newcastle united's trophy room has been broken into and contents stolen.

Police are currently looking for a man in possession of a black and white carpet.

[Cympil]

kevin keegan today announced he will bring some new faces into newcastle united

peter beardsly has asked if he can have one :lol:

[Pete]

Q; What has four legs, is big, green,fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A; A pool table

[Pete]

Q; What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A; A nervous wreck.

[Pete]

Q; Where do you get virgin wool from?

A; Ugly sheep.

[Pete]

Q; Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A; Because they have big fingers.

[Pete]

Q; What is a zebra?

A; 26 sizes larger than an A bra.

[Cympil]

Q; What has four legs, is big, green,fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A; A pool table

:lol: :lol:

[Pete]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Emma!

Emma who?

Emma bit cold out here, can you let me in?

[Pete]

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part

of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's

normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an

inappropriate question and my parents are going to

hear of it when I get home!"

She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not

studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you

going to be disappointed someday!"

[Pete]

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a

policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run

me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could

you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

[Pete]

When I take a long time I'm slow

When my boss takes a long time he's thorough

When I don't do it I'm lazy

When my boss doesn't do it he's busy

When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I do something without being told, I'm overstepping my authority

When my boss does the same, that's initiative

When I take a stand, I'm being bull-headed

When my boss does it, he's being firm.

When I overlooked a rule of etiquette, I'm being rude

When my boss skips a few rules, he's being original

When I'm out of the office, I'm wandering around

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business

When I'm on a day off sick, I'm always sick

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I please my boss I'm crawling

When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating

When I do good, my boss never remembers

When I do wrong, my boss never forgets......

[Pete]

This one dates back to the days of the five and a quarter inch floppy disk.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

[Pete]

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press the Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

Classic

[Cympil]

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a

policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run

me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could

you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

:lol:

[Pete]

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse

can such people exist

[Pete]

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Representative had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Another well-known is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in

[Hamburger Pimp]

Now, I'll admit that the following short film presentation isn't, strictly speaking, a joke. However, it is amusing, so please allow me a little slack.

[Cympil]

Now, I'll admit that the following short film presentation isn't, strictly speaking, a joke. However, it is amusing, so please allow me a little slack.

Ken Lee??

:lol: :lol:

[Pete]

Now, I'll admit that the following short film presentation isn't, strictly speaking, a joke. However, it is amusing, so please allow me a little slack.

Classic, CK

[Pete]

The following just about sums up some of our modern day MP's

"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."

-- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)

[Pete]

A little boy was lost in the supermarket. He went up to the security guard and said "I've lost my dad." The security guard asked him "What's he like?" and the little boy replied "Beer, and women with big boobs."

[Pete]

This white horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager. The barman looks at him and says, "'Ere, we've got a whisky named after you." The white horse looks confused and says, "What - Dobbin?"

[Cympil]

A little boy was lost in the supermarket. He went up to the security guard and said "I've lost my dad." The security guard asked him "What's he like?" and the little boy replied "Beer, and women with big boobs."

:lol:

[justme]

:lol:

two junki's injected curry powder instead of heroin, they got rushed 2 hospital, one's in a korma & the other has a dodgy Tikka.

bum bum