Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Pete]

eh a divint get it? is it because theres to many coloured people in the uk or because there are two many alchies?

I think he meant the alchies Monsta or I hope he did other wise it could be seen as a racist joke, not nice in this day and age, even the BNP allows our coloured friends to become members of their party. Shame on you Mr Darn

[Mr Darn]

Nope, i definatly refered to the amount of coloured folk in the country.

Hope i made that clear... theres a report button in the bottom left if the post if anyone is offended.

[Pete]

Nope, i definatly refered to the amount of coloured folk in the country.

Hope i made that clear... theres a report button in the bottom left if the post if anyone is offended.

Well I am shocked and horified that you could make such remarks about our coloured brethren, I don't think a report button is going to solve this one. This could be seen as a call to riot or even a war.

[Mr Darn]

[Brian Cross]

Darn funny i thought ..........eh ;)

[Mr Darn]

Pleased it didn't make you too Cross! eh? eh? ;)

[Pete]

Darn funny i thought ..........eh ;)

Gooden Brian, a nearly fell of me darn chair,

Edited March 23, 2010 by Pete

[Mr Darn]

I was walking through the Cemetary today when i saw a man squatting beside a grave with tears in his eyes.

I nodded my head and said "Morning"

He looked up and said "Naa mate, i'm taking a dump!"

[Pete]

I was walking through the Cemetary today when i saw a man squatting beside a grave with tears in his eyes.

I nodded my head and said "Morning"

He looked up and said "Naa mate, i'm taking a dump!"

Thats better Mr D

[Monsta®]

Thats better Mr D

whats better rascism or disrespecting the dead? disgraceful

could be worse could be a big doggy turd in a plastic bag left on a coloured gents grave by a white gent!

[Malcolm Robinson]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did You get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman.. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.

I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware..'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still.. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.. Would you like to take a shower and shave?

There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'Flipping heck, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

[mickypotts]

worth the wait to get to the ending

[Mr Darn]

wasn't there a simmiler one that ended:

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ...

..."Would you, erm.... , Like to play around?

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

"Dont tell me you have a set of golf clubs too!!!"

[Cympil]

I just read that gordon brown was crowned this year's 'Worst Dressed Man.'

lady gaga must be devastated.

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Whats brown and doesn't work?

gordon

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[Malcolm Robinson]

Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP's and 2 Senior Government Officials. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

[Malcolm Robinson]

One for the ladies and guys you can laugh too if your recognise any of this stuff!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt..

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.

'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' Newcastle United !'

And they say blondes are dumb...

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies,

'I'll miss you.'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'

Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the

neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

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Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping

for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

[Blob]

coloured gentleman

Very politically correct

[Malcolm Robinson]

Amazing New Medical Tech

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an

amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's

labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection.

He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even

10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,

the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain,

and the husband had experienced none.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

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When they got home they found their milkman dead on the doorstep.

[bediesathome]

Amazing New Medical Tech

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an

amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's

labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection.

He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even

10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,

the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain,

and the husband had experienced none.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

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When they got home they found their milkman dead on the doorstep.

[bediesathome]

malcolm the best joke i have heard in years . please send some more.

[Malcolm Robinson]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Stop Press:

Al Qaeda on Strike.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace."

"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a

response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the study. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Ralph, for THE FIFTH !*!@# TIME, CHICKEN!"

[Cympil]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a

response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the study. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Ralph, for THE FIFTH !*!@# TIME, CHICKEN!"

Good one :lol:

[Cympil]

A woman brought a Limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"£250?" she cried, "£250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £250."