Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,

tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea , does that mean that one enjoys it?

[bediesathome]

malcolm where do you get them from?. they are as good as stan laural and oliver hardy . keep up the good work.

[Malcolm Robinson]

BRIAN

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his

****ing' widow."

[Malcolm Robinson]

An interesting fact about AUGUST 2010

This AUGUST has

5 SUNDAYS

5 MONDAYS and

5 TUESDAYS

ALL IN ONE MONTH.

IT HAPPENS ONCE IN 823 YEARS.

[Malcolm Robinson]

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a

man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no

thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of

thumb" -------------------------------------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.

It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and

thus the word GOLF entered into the English

language. -------------------------------------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime

time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the

U.S. Treasury. -------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can

hear better. -------------------------------------------

Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who

walk to work: Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

(now get this...)

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness:

38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

£3,268-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in

any given hour: 61,000 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =

12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has

both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air the person

died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the

horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died

of natural causes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only two people signed the Declaration of

Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles

Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the

last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most

popular boat name requested?

> A. Obsession -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter

"A"?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield

wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

> A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any

other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed

frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the

mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.

Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years

ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's

father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he

could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their

calendar was lunar based, this period was called the

honey month, which we know today as the

honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...

So in old England , when customers got unruly, the

bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and

quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and

Q's"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a

whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic

cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle

to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase

inspired by this practice.

[Malcolm Robinson]

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod

aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to

rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr

the

ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is

taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the

rghit

pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll

raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn

mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod

as a wlohe.

[Malcolm Robinson]

You know its 2010 when................

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the

microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in

years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your

family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next

to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends

and family is that they don't have e-mail

addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell

phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the

groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at

the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which

you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years

of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn

around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before

getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are

going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this

list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there

wasn't a #9 on this list.

[Andy Brown]

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

This is what Snopes has to say.

[Andy Brown]

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter

"A"?

A. One thousand

What about One Hundred And One ?

[Malcolm Robinson]

Andy, Its the joke thread.............

[Malcolm Robinson]

Guess The Nationality??

[Andy Brown]

Andy, Its the joke thread.............

Yeah I know

[Malcolm Robinson]

For anyone wanting a bit of highbrow entertainment........

[Malcolm Robinson]

Think I like this one better!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! "

[Malcolm Robinson]

Psychic Daughter

A father put his three

year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God b less Mommy,

God bless Daddy,

God bless Grandma

and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye

grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it

just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,

God Bless Daddy

and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy

and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather confronts Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the bxxxs to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

[Brian Cross]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(You gotta love this) ....

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

[Brian Cross]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? .......What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'!*!@# jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!

[Brian Cross]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still

Heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure .

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my

Testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,

Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles

Black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure from worry

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment

And sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and

His testicles in the other, lifting and moving them

Around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's

Nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and

Says very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen

Very, very closely..... .

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?

[Malcolm Robinson]

:lol:

[Brian Cross]

A doctor from Israel says, "In Israel the medicine is so

advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them

into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments, "That's nothing, in Germany we

take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another

person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says, "That's nothing either. In Russia

we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately, "That's nothing my

colleagues, you are way behind us... in the USA (about

a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now... the whole country is looking for work."

[Malcolm Robinson]

America the home of fast food............

[Malcolm Robinson]

Ooh errr.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvFSgXpyhoM

[Brian Cross]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine , you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine ..

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine , and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine ..

'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done !*!@# all but moan since you've been here.'