Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Keith Scantlebury]

A friend of mine just started his own business.

He manufactures land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.

Bet he's making a bomb at that

[Brett]

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.

The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND?

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,

"Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. "Are ye taking me tae the pub with ye?"

"Naw, I'm switching the heat aff while I'm oot," he replied.

[Malcolm Robinson]

The new Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish setter's !*!@# and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people ~ they have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say

[John Fox (foxy)]

Four German dwarfs went to Amsterdams red lignt district and hired the services of a 6ft tall prostitute. They went back to their hotel room stripped off, tied springs to their feet and gave her the time off her life. Its whats known in the business as THE FOUR SPRUNG DWARF TECHNIQUE.

[Keith Scantlebury]

I whent to the doctors the other day with a hearing problem. He said "descibe the symptoms" I replied "Homer, fat yellow bloke, Marge yellow woman with blue hair.

[Brian Cross]

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?

Amhere

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwel

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwell Azhim

[Brian Cross]

INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES....

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part

of Arizona when her car broke down....

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered

her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the

Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it

echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service

station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

' What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the

service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around

his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'.

[Brian Cross]

Two old Naval Aviators are getting very drunk in the Wardroom when suddenly one

Of 'em throws up all over himself.

"Damn, now my wife will kill me!"

His buddy says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty in your breast

Pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty

Dollars to have it dry-cleaned."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually they stumble out and

Go home and this guy's wife starts to chew his ass out.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,

You're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, he says, "Now

Way a mint, I can splain everthin. Ish snot wha chew think. I only had a

Cupla drrrinks. But thish damn Fishead ga ssick on me. He had one too manee

And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave

Me twennie bucks for the cleanin bill!

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty

Bucks."

Oh yeah, I almos' fergot, he crapped in my pants, too.

[Brett]

*

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar

And stared up at the TV.

*

*The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story

Of a man on the ledge of a large building

Preparing to jump.*

*The blonde looked at Bob****and said,

"Do you think he'll jump?"

*

*Bob said,

"You know, I bet he'll jump."*

*The blonde replied,

"Well, I bet he won't."*

*Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said,

"You're on!"

*Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,

The man on the ledge

Did a swan dive off the building,

Falling to his death.*

*The blonde was very upset,

But willingly handed her £20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

*Bob replied,

"I can't take your money.

I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,

So I knew he would jump."

*

*The blonde replied,

"I did, too,

But I didn't think he'd do it again."

*

*Bob took the money.*

[Brian Cross]

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love

you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. and I'm talking to the beer."

[Keith Scantlebury]

I crashed into the back of a car at the traffic lights this morning, when the driver got out I noticed he was a dwarf, he ran up to me and he said, "I'm not happy like" I replied "well which one are ya then?"

[Malcolm Robinson]

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?

You sound English",

"I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn ?",

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?",

"I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."

[Keith Scantlebury]

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?

You sound English",

"I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn ?",

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What on earth is one of those?",

"I mount animals."

"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."

Malcolm, Please do not be to harsh on our Welsh neighbours, show them a little respect. After all Wales is a beautiful country and a one where MEN are MEN a nd sheep are NERVOUS

[John Fox (foxy)]

Malcolm, Please do not be to harsh on our Welsh neighbours, show them a little respect. After all Wales is a beautiful country and a one where MEN are MEN a nd sheep are NERVOUS

Actually Wales is the only country where you can get a delicious Hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent s**g all from the same animal.

Edited March 30, 2011 by foxy

[Merlin]

I got a taxi home the other night and I tapped the driver on the shoulder at which point he nearly S**t himself swerved the car just missing a bus stop, mounted the pavement, just missed a group of people eventually pulling up sideways on the other side of the road 'I'm sorry about that' he says 'It's my first night as a taxi driver I spent the last twenty years driving a hearse!

[Malcolm Robinson]

This is very important for people who are having computer lessons!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES!!!!!

[Brian Cross]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.

Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,

takes off his cap and bows his head.

When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,

sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says,

" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "

Dave replies,

" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

[Malcolm Robinson]

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, you gonna wish you had put more grease on your gun!

[Malcolm Robinson]

The reason why women can't work on cars............

[Keith Scantlebury]

The reason why women can't work on cars............

Yeah, so why can't they work on cars then Malcolm, that wrench wench in your picture looks perfectly capable to me. ........ now wheres the service record for my car? ...I'm sure its due

[Malcolm Robinson]

Its Wor Lass Keith, she is looking for the foo foo valve! Everyone knows they are behind the back wheels, bah.......

[Keith Scantlebury]

Its Wor Lass Keith, she is looking for the foo foo valve! Everyone knows they are behind the back wheels, bah.......

Yep and those foo foo valves are always fluffing up.

Edited April 14, 2011 by keith