Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Irish Diet:

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat

regularly again for 2 days then skip a day.

Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should

have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost

nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow

my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded. 'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to

drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the goddam skipping'.

[Malcolm Robinson]

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A 92-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, ' Bill , everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Bill replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's helping me out. When I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *!*!@# *!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *!*!@# *!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bill 's wife. 'Glenna ,' he says, ' Bill is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *!*!@# *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *!*!@# *! The light goes off?'

'OH DAMM!' she says. 'He's weeing in the fridge again!!!!'

[Brett]

[Brett]

This bloke from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly sod I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to sleep with that?"

_______________________________

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I know where he lives.

_______________________________

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."

I said, "You're not coming in mate!"

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man United fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, why are you a Man United fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man United fan, and my dad is a Man United fan, so I'm a Man United fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man United fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. TheSalary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a Tax Disc.

[bediesathome]

malcolm keep the jokes coming they are they are good

[Malcolm Robinson]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven:

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two people show up. One is a retired avid golfer in his early sixties (Joe), and the other is a

gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar-coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so

you two had better be good, or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant

and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,

sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then

rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can

you top that?"

The old golfer replies, "No problem; just get that lion out of there.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a

nice-looking prostitute.

He asks her, 'How much dae ye charrrge forrrr an hourrr?'

'£100,' she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, dae yee dae it Scottish style?'

She says 'No!'

He then asks her, 'I'll gie you £200 to dae it Scottish style - please?'

She then says, 'No', not even knowing what 'Scottish style' was!

So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer.

So, finally he says, 'I'll gie ye £500 to gaun Scottish style WI me!'

Finally she agrees, thinking, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years

Now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdos

From every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish style be?'

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in

Every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'That was really fantastic.

I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and

Disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?'

The Scotsman replies, 'I'll pay ye next week...

[Malcolm Robinson]

Little Johnny...

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do

they need at home.

1st kid says, "A computer".

Teacher replies, "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says, "a new lawn mower," and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need nothin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs

something.

Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.........."

"When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying,

"Well, that's the last !*!@# thing we need."

[Brett]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one,

"'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At

seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me

out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And Zen what 'appened?"

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle

platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?"

"I did not. I told 'I'm - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp

five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And Zen what 'appened?"

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze

ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?"

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten

feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?"

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un 'undred feet above ze

parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and

'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your

burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, Mon ami. And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

[mickypotts]

I,ve always only had sex with one woman, my wife...... course I,ve been married 3 times, but at my age I,m 58 I,ve got used to being comfortable with my wife and I know what I like and I know what she wont do......

[mickypotts]

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash," the salesman said.

The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day.

That evening, the fellow asked his blonde female friend, "If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?" She replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

[mickypotts]

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

[Brett]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[mickypotts]

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pxxxxd off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[mickypotts]

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

[mickypotts]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[mickypotts]

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

[Malcolm Robinson]

EUROPEAN ECONOMICS in a Nut Shell.

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with

a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town

visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial

mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered

how he could afford such a house. The Spaniard said;

"You see that bridge over there? Well the EU gave us

a ten-million Euro grant to build a four-lane bridge,

but we cheated and built a two lane bridge leaving

more than enough over to fund this mansion."

A couple of years later the Spanish Mayor visited the

Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek

Mayor's Mansion, gold taps, marble floors, it was

worth at least ten-million Euros. When the Spanish

Mayor asked how this could be afforded the Greek

Mayor said;

"You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied;

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"No?"......

[mickypotts]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[bediesathome]

well done mickypotts the best joke for a long tme , keep them coming

[mickypotts]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[mickypotts]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."

In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"

"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."