Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

>WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE......

>

>

>Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

>

>The only question asked was:

>

>"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food

>shortage in the rest of the world?"

>

>

>The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

>

>1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

>

>2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

>

>3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

>

>4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

>

>5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

>

>6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

>

>7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

>

>8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Malcolm Robinson]

After finishing her shift as a nurse

A wife comes home late at night

and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket

she sees four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat

and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done,

she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters,

she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi sweetheart," he says,

"your parents have come to visit us,

so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say hello to them?

[Malcolm Robinson]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied,

'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied,

'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A worrying thought for 2012 ...

10 years ago Bob Hope died

5 years ago Johnny Cash died

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died

A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It

Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Why men shouldn't write advice columns!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Harley-Davidson

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson

motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop..

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a

question?"

The surgeon a bit

surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the

motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands

on a rag and asked, "So Doc,

look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em

back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a

small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing

basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.

Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths.His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.

He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to

understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' Little Zachary looked at her and said,'Well, on the first day of

school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Jews Sank The Titanic

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish

Captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an

awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once

they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto- pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?''

''You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That

Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence...'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly

announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all same!!'

[Malcolm Robinson]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

[Brian Cross]

Good one Mal

[Adam Hogg]

the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

Was The Guy On hoilday from the Isle Of Man Malcolm?

[Brian Cross]

Drunk Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant!

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy

[Malcolm Robinson]

:rofl:

[Malcolm Robinson]

Tribute to Frank Carson..............

- My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.”

- There's a professor who's crossed a chicken with a spider, he's now got chickens with 8 legs! I said, 'What does it taste like?” He said, 'I don't know, I haven't caught any yet.'

- My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

- I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

- Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are at a Christmas party and each had to bring something to do with Christmas. Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, Scotsman brought a bag of holly and the Irishman brought a pair of knickers. I asked, 'What's that got to do with Christmas?' He said, 'They're Carol's.'

- A fella walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps.” He says: "There's one in the window.”

- Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?," he asks. "No it's not, this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you," says Paddy. "Ah it's no trouble," says the stranger. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

- A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got Viagra?” "Do you have a prescription?,” asks the chemist. "No,” he replies, "But I've got a photograph of the wife...”

- An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

- A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: "You've got three minutes to live.” The man said: "Can you do something for me?” "Yes,” he said. "I'll boil you an egg.”

- I rang British Telecom. I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: "Not you again.”

- A fella said to the doctor: "What's the good news?” "You've got 24 hours to live.” He says: "What's the bad news?” And the doc says: "We should have told you yesterday.”

[Malcolm Robinson]

Irish Math Test

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman is now head of Qantas.

[Brian Cross]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises

Coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,

Sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as

she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mummy mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the

Wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom

Right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there

is

Her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around

Naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[bediesathome]

from one brian to another brian please keep the jokes coming

[Canny lass]

Just to redress the balance a bit, Brian...

Why do blondes often have bruises around their belly buttons?

Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!

[Canny lass]

A woman brought a very limp pet duck in to the vet. As she laid her duck on the table the vet pulled out a stethoscope and listened to its chest.After a few minutes he shook his head and said sadly, "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your duck has passed away". The woman became distressed and cried out "are you sure"? " Yes", said the vet, "I'm quite sure".

"How can you be so sure", said the woman. "You haven't done any test or anything. He might just be in a coma"!

The vet rolled his eyes, turned and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a magnificent black Labrador. The duck's owner looked on in amazement as the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from head to foot. He then looked up at the vet with very sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. He returned after a minute with a black cat. The cat jumped onto the table and delicately sniffed the bird from top to bottom. when it was done it sat down, looked at the vet with sad eyes, meowed softly and strolled gracefully out of the room.

The vet sat himself down at the computer and after typing a few words he printed out the bill and handed it to the woman. Still in shock, she took the bill, glanced at it and cried out "£350". "You're charging me £350 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry" he said. "If you'd just taken my word for it the bill would have been £50, but with the lab report and the cat scan it's £350".

[Brett]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit thedelete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'

[Malcolm Robinson]

ITALIAN SECRET TO A LONG MARRIAGE

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[Brian Cross]

CONFESSIONAL BOX

A bloke goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"

[Brian Cross]

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.

The Hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

... The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Altar Boy...........

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you

may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and

whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads ...'

[Brian Cross]

Subject: Instructions

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"computer completely !*!@# now."