Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

Last one.................

[Keith Scantlebury]

I took my son for his first drink down the pub. I bought him Foster's, he didn't like it, so I drank it. I bought him John Smiths, he didn't like it, so I drank it. This happened with the Carlsberg, Guinness, Stones, LCL and so on. By the time we got through the whisky and other spirits I could hardly push the pram home. !!!

[bediesathome]

hello keith it seems that you like a little drink . keep the jokes coming

[Keith Scantlebury]

hello keith it seems that you like a little drink . keep the jokes coming

ya wrong bedie, I like a BIG drink

[bediesathome]

keith your a man after my heart i to like a good drink

[Malcolm Robinson]

I am saying nowt..............

[Keith Scantlebury]

I am saying nowt..............

please dont !!!!

[bediesathome]

after a night on the beer prince charlie killed his mams corgy as he drove into her castle and ran over his mams corgy and killed it he picked it up and ran up the stairs andk nocked a varse off the window sill and broke it out popped a jenie and said i have been locked up for 300 years i will give you one wish charlie asked can you bring you bring the corgie back to life the jenie asked how long the corgie had been dead charlie said 20 minutes jenie relied to long a cant bring it back to life jenie said i will give you one more wish charlie asked can you make camilla as beautifull as as diana was after a minute the jenie said howe long has the corgie been dead?

[Malcolm Robinson]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. "How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?” he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??” the startled husband asked.

"Yes,” the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.

"Thank you,” the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.”

[Malcolm Robinson]

Eulogy to Frank Carson - it's the way I tell um

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing.

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.”

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

[Malcolm Robinson]

What is Irish and stays out all night????????

Paddy O'Furniture.

Boom………..Boom!

[Malcolm Robinson]

My wife left a note on the fridge saying,

'It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at Mum's for a while.'

I opened it, the light came on and the beers were ice cold. No idea what she was going on about.

[Brian Cross]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard

and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but

decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's

old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing

out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys

and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her

mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask

this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner

will be ready in just a couple sex

Edited July 21, 2012 by Brian Cross

[Brian Cross]

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him

to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic

and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,

dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for

her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and

saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Good one Brian.......

[Canny lass]

More than good. Excellent!!

[keith lockey]

_{Oklahoma is a nice state but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it.}

Edited July 29, 2012 by keith lockey

[Brian Cross]

Oh to be eight again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to "Adventure World†theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the ScreamingRoller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[keith lockey]

A mammy polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting on an ice berg. The baby polar bear turns to his mother and asks.

"Mammy. Am I a polar bear?"

The mammy frowns and says "why yes, you've white fur and a black nose."

Five minutes go by and the baby turns to his mother again.

"Mammy, are you SURE I'm a polar bear?"

The mother sighs and says "YES you're a polar bear - you've got white fur a black nose and you're sitting on an iceberg in the Arctic Circle."

Five minutes more go by and the baby turns again to his mother.

"Mammy are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN I'm a polar bear?"

By this time the mother is losing it.

"Look, you're a polar bear. You have white fur a black nose, you're sitting on an iceberg in the Arctic Circle and you had seal meat for your breakfast. Now why do you keep asking me if you're a polar bear?"

The baby folds his arms and stamps his feet and says - "Because i am bl**dy freezing."

Edited July 30, 2012 by keith lockey

[Brian Cross]

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on Time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."!!!

[Brian Cross]

The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

[John Fox (foxy)]

A college class were told to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were ; the story had to include the following three things;

1 Religion.

2 Sexuality.

3 Mystery.

Below is the only A plus short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm Pregnant, I Wonder Who Did It"

Had to be a Woman!!

[Brian Cross]

A college class were told to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were ; the story had to include the following three things;

1 Religion.

2 Sexuality.

3 Mystery.

Below is the only A plus short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm Pregnant, I Wonder Who Did It"

Had to be a Woman!!

Good one had to be a woman !

[Brian Cross]

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's !*!@# , he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

[Malcolm Robinson]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'