Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

I have been doing so much work recently my mouse caught fire……….look

[keith lockey]

I was at my bank today and there was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated and she asked the teller...

"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Edited October 21, 2012 by keith lockey

[Brian Cross]

I was at my bank today and there was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated and she asked the teller...

"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Ha ha ha good oneKeith

[Malcolm Robinson]

A man goes to the Aberdeen District Council to apply for a job in their office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the Army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points

for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to

4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at

10.00am every day."

The ex-soldier is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to

4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any

special treatment y'know."

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our xxxxs, and there's no point in you coming in for that."

[keith lockey]

Nice one Malcolm.

[keith lockey]

I think it's disgusting that Arriva are discriminating against happy people on their buses. I mean have you seen the sign on their bus panels...SOME PEOPLE ARE GAY...GET OVER IT.

Edited October 27, 2012 by keith lockey

[Brett]

Have you used their bus service, it's definitely not a happy experience.

[keith lockey]

Have you used their bus service, it's definitely not a happy experience.

The pleasures of travelling on Arriva; smelly, noisy people, The buses are cold in the winter and hot in the summer. And, of course, you always get the loud one on the mobile phone who thinks everyone on the bus wants to hear about his night out in the Toon. (Isn't it funny how it's always a Cockney or a Yorkshireman!)

[Malcolm Robinson]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a

Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden

leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a

note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted

handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden

leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is

offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he

writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he

receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a

monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and

with your bald head you will really look the part. The man

is really incandescent with rage now, because the company

has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing

attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong

letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small

parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald

head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your XXXX

and go as a toffee apple.

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that,2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ..” Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p***s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow". I said "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Just got back from my mate's funeral, he died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was "Bindair Dundat"!!

[Brian Cross]

Teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . . "

And you, Tanya?............................................

" I want to be Johnny's bitch!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COMPLETE AND FINISHED

Complete vs Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between those two words. In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over five minutes. Here is his answer;.

The question was this. How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is Mr. Balgobin's astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

[keith lockey]

I've just watched a Clint Eastwood western.

He rode into town on a bucket.

The film was called PAIL RIDER.

[keith lockey]

A rodent has just taken over the local take-away.

It's now called the Mouse of the Rising Sun.

[mercuryg]

A rodent has just taken over the local take-away.

It's now called the Mouse of the Rising Sun.

No, Keith, just no. Mind you, a terrible thing happened to me the other day. I was banned from the swimming baths. The S fell off my Speedos.

[keith lockey]

I went to the pub this afternoon and saw a line of blondes standing in the street. i asked this guy what what it was about and he said it was a barbie queue; so I got to the pub and there's this girl called Anna on the stage stripping. I asked my mate why and he said she was an Anna Gram; so I went to the bar and there were two identical Roman gladiators standing; someone had ordered a double maximus. So I ordered my beer and sat at the bar and the guy next to me was oozing alcohol from every pore - I thought 'he's had a skinful'. At the end of the night I went to the new Chinese takeaway owned by a rodent - the Mouse of the Rising Sun it's called, and then I went home and as I walked through the door there were the two Abba girls cleaning the cat's litter tray; apparently they had started their own business up - Super Trouper Pooper Scoopers. So I went to bed and as I was dozing over I began to thinks of licquorice allsorts and white mice and midget gems - sweet dreams are made of this I thought. Then in the early hours of the morning I was woken by William Shakespeare in my back garden with a bucket and spade - then I remembered, the early bard gets the worm.

[mercuryg]

What are you taking?

[John Fox (foxy)]

What are you taking?

He could be sniffing the Turps.

[keith lockey]

On a solemn note could you all put your hands together and say a prayer for the gentleman who died at the bingo hall last night.

The police aren't treating it as suspicious; they just reckon his number was up.

On a similar but seperate incident another gentleman died at the casino yesterday.

Again the police aren't looking for anyone in connection, they reckon he just cashed in his chips.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Don't mention chips......................

[keith lockey]

BREAKING NEWS

A mudslide in Oklahoma has demolished a refrigerator assembly factory, carrying away some of the goods.

The Oklahoma police are on the lookout for a slurry with a fridge on top.

[keith lockey]

Don't mention chips......................

You think you have trouble with chips. This chimp was trying to pinch mine.

[mercuryg]

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '

'Is it common, doc?'

'Well, it's not unusual.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bxxxxxxd!'

[Malcolm Robinson]

First Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[keith lockey]

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.