Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Adam Hogg]

Now Adam, you don't want to be inflaming the old Anglo-French relations at a time like this......(is it the same for the Italians, but with red and green?)

O yes i forgot we need the french for an Aircraft Carrier thanks to this Government and with the way they are going we will need the french for an Army as well.

[Brett]

O yes i forgot we need the french for an Aircraft Carrier thanks to this Government and with the way they are going we will need the french for an Army as well.

And a football team

[Malcolm Robinson]

Aye Brett a Newcastle one at that!

[Brett]

[Malcolm Robinson]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side,he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold? 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.The weatherman replied,'The Indians are collecting a massive load of firewood'

[Malcolm Robinson]

:lol: :lol:

[Adam Hogg]

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman are in a Prison camp. One day the head guard comes along and tells them they will be shot, but first they each have one last request. After thinking for a bit the Irishman says, "I want to see 100 Irishmen perform a traditional jig before i die." The Scotsman then says, "I want to hear 100 Scotsmen sing 'Scotland the Brave' before I die." The Welshman says, "I want to hear 100 Welshmen sing 'O the mountains of Wales' before I die." Eventually the Englishman pipes up, "Can I be shot first?"

[mickypotts]

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.....

the bartender says I cant serve you you,re a rope......

The rope says no...... I,m a frayed Knot!!!

Ka Boom.....

[keith lockey]

I've not been well and went to the doctors today. He prescribed me a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

He said that should pick me up.

[keith lockey]

I've just passed my exams at shampoo college!

The tutors said I was Head and Shoulders above the rest.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Have these been on before.......... just been sent them by a Cornishman!

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Newcastle United fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, why are you a Newcastle United fan?'

'Because my mum is a Newcastle United fan, and my dad is a Newcastle United fan, so I'm a Newcastle United fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Newcastle United fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Geordie are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Brown.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Geordie who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

A Geordie walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Geordie said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Newcastle City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a Tax Disc.

[Brett]

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is - you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Commemorating 2012:

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,

Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt

................ Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....

Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

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"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face

I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They're both in hospital... one's in a korma…

the other's got a dodgy tikka!

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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.

You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead

and anything else they could get their blooming hands on

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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth

[keith lockey]

I see the Kaiser Chiefs are number one in India with their hit Rupee Rupee Rupee Rupee.

[Brett]

[Malcolm Robinson]

I figured out the chord sequence for the Casualty theme tune the other

day.....................

It's just A & E

I had a really strange dream last night in which I just kept repeating,

'Hobbit, Hobbit, Hobbit!' My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep

Got my first Cage Fight at the weekend , That budgie wont know whats hit

it

My mate just hit me over the head with a power tool, one minute I was

minding my own business then, Bosch!

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except

one. He's never gonna give you Up

My gran laughed when I told her I was going to make a car out of

spaghetti.................She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.

My brother took being sent to Jail really badly!, Wouldn't eat or drink at

first, swore and spat at anyone who came near him. ..............It was so

bad in fact, we haven't played monopoly since ..

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do

was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife 43 who was looking for

some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover

the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be

honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women

happy................................... Nothing.

Sometimes you just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold

the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, Will you go

away and shut the toilet door!!

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat, that's a lot. Oxfam can

supply a whole African village for just £2 a month, time to change

supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white

they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I

think they were Hovis Witnesses.

[Malcolm Robinson]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Sorry.......

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

[keith lockey]

Somebody bought you a Tim Vine joke book for Christmas, didn't they, Malcolm.

[Malcolm Robinson]

No but I think I know who did get one and who has my e-mail............

[keith lockey]

I was walking along Whitley Bay promenade today eating a german sausage when a sea bird swooped down and tried to get my sausage. A guy for the RSPB said it was a tern for the wurst.

Does a link of sausage constitute a food chain?

Edited February 16, 2013 by keith lockey

[keith lockey]

I've just seen two campanologists fighting at the church. They were having such a ding dong.

[Adam Hogg]

A man is walking down the street one day when he sees an attractive woman standing next to a tree. The woman says to the man, "This is your lucky day. You can either give me a kiss or climb the tree to success." The man thinks for a moment then decides to climb the tree. A little further up he sees another stunning woman. She says, "You can either give me a kiss or climb the tree to success." After pausing to contemplate this offer he decided to carry on climbing until he stumbles upon a naked, clearly aroused, wrinked old man. "Who the hell are you?" he asks. "I'm Cess," the old man replies

[Malcolm Robinson]

Sensitive Australian Males……..

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away,

Bluey says, 'Well, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

.

[keith lockey]

Went up to Boulmer today and just as I got there the RAF's new egg-shaped fighter planes took off.

"They've been scrambled." I thought.

As I was coming out I saw a guy with a door handle on his brow. "Knobhead."

Then I saw this bloke standing on the corner selling magazines. "I bet he's got issues."

Then Norman Tebbit stopped me and asked me to vote for him in the next election.

"On Your bike." I said.