Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

 

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

 

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to  join him in the bedroom (as you do).

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.  His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Canny lass]

I've never Heard dandling participles explained in that way Before!

[willy j.]

David Cameron, Ed Milliband, Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage are in a helicopter on their way to a Gala Dinner in Strasbourg. Nick Clegg leans out of the door and throws a ten euro note out saying.....'there you go, that'll make ten people very happy'.

 

Ed Milliband (or Mr Ed, as he is known in the horsey world) leans out and throws a fifty euro note out, smiling at the others he says.... 'that's better, that'll make fifty people very happy',

 

Not to be outdone, David Cameron (or Moron as he is better known) pulls out a one hundred euro note and throws that out of the door; with a stupid grin on his face he turns to the others.....'how about that? That will please a hundred people'.

 

Nigel looked at all three of them and said, 'look why don't all three of you jump out and make everybody happy'.

[Malcolm Robinson]

In church a lady was heard to say a prayer. 
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you:- 
 
 
"Dear Lord, 
 
This has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my 
favourite actor Patrick Swayze. My favourite pop singer 
Michael Jackson. My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My 
favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor. My favourite football 
manager Bobby Robson. My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros, 
my favourite singer Whitney Houston and now my favourite actor, Robin 
Williams. 
 
 
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians 
are: Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, John Prescott, Ed Balls, 
Gordon Brown, Harriet Harman, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband 
(in no particular order) 

Amen

[Malcolm Robinson]

Paddy and Mick arrived in Quebec for a moose hunting trip and hired a private pilot to fly them deep into the Canadian wilderness.  After many mishaps and adventures, by the end of the trip they had managed to bag a moose each.   As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said he could only take the hunters, their gear and one moose, due to load constraints.   

The hunters objected saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same plane as yours."    

Not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, their pilot reluctantly gave in and everything was loaded. 

However, even under full power the little plane couldn't climb above the tree tops and went down in the wooded wilderness. 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.    

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"    

Mick replied, "I'm pretty sure we're close to where we crashed last year."

[keith lockey]

I've just seen Clint Eastwood riding down the Front Street on a bucket...Pail rider, I assume! 

[Malcolm Robinson]

Ohhhh Keith!  

[Adam Hogg]

Only one thing for that joke Keith.

[John White]

[keith lockey]

It wasn't that bad...Oh yes it was!!!

[Canny lass]

Am I missing something here??

[Adam Hogg]

An old man and attractive woman are about to go to bed with each other,

The old man says, "Wait, I hear now you have to have safe sex!"

The woman says, "When did you last have sex?"

After thinking for a while he replies, "1964."

She says, "well, I think we are quite safe."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him:

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the Psychiatrist. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to  get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?

Eighty quid per visit, replied the Psychiatrist.

I'll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later I met him on the street.

Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.

Well, Eighty quid a visit, three times a week for a year, is £12,480.00. A barman cured me for a tenner I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup.

Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.

FORGET THE DOC'S..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARMAN!
IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION

[keith lockey]

I thought I was going crazy...but the little voices inside my head re-assured me I wasn't,

[Adam Hogg]

Bono was at a music festival in Scotland and said after performing,

"Thank you all for being wonderful hosts to me, but I have something important to raise here tonight!"

He then claps his hands, and says,

"Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies!"

Then from the back of the crowd an angry Scotsman shouts at Bono,

"THEN STOP CLAPPING YOUR F*****G HANDS!"

[keith lockey]

I've just had a coffee enema.

 

It wasn't too bad but getting the milk and two sugars in was awkward.

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

 

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

 

By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

 

Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: ...... "When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

Subject:  Glasgow characters

 

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

 

"Two Soups" his real name is Campbell Baxter.

 

"The Colostomy" - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

 

"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: ' I'll get back to you on that. '

 

"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.

 

"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.

 

"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: ' Let me put you in the picture...'

 

"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

 

"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

 

"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

 

"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

 

"The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy,

but nobody can prove he actually exists.

 

"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

 

"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

 

"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!

[Ovalteeny]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

 

The woman said she would try her best.

 

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..

 

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

 

"They don't like that in heaven",

 

said God........

 

       

 

The woman replied: "

 And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"

 

 

[Brian Cross]

 

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

 

The woman said she would try her best.

 

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on..

 

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

 

"They don't like that in heaven",

 

said God........

 

       

 

The woman replied: "

 And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"

 

loved it

 

[Brian Cross]

Subject:  Glasgow characters

 

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

 

"Two Soups" his real name is Campbell Baxter.

 

"The Colostomy" - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

 

"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: ' I'll get back to you on that. '

 

"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.

 

"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.

 

"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: ' Let me put you in the picture...'

 

"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

 

"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

 

"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

 

"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

 

"The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy,

but nobody can prove he actually exists.

 

"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

 

"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

 

"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!

Another one is Blister .........shows up when the works done

[Adam Hogg]

While traveling though the countryside in the 1700's, a carriage is stopped by a highway man, He shouts "Stand and Deliver!"

 

The wealthy Gentleman in the carriage did not know what he meant so asked "what do you mean", So the highway man said, "Your money or your life."

 

The wealthy Gentleman says "hold on." and hops back into the carriage.

 

Seconds later his wife then gets thrown out of the carriage and the wealthy gent says, "I will keep my money, you have the wife!" and the carriage rides off.

[Brian Cross]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.." And he points
to a ladder that Rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs
the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets
another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher..
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and
repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from
all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, God."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!"

[Brian Cross]

A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.
The Kiwi knocks off three biscuits, placing them into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn't notice.
The Kiwi says to the Aussie:   "You'll never beat that!"
The Aussie says to the Kiwi:  "Watch and learn!"
He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the biscuit which the Aussie promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:  "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:  "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Australian eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and yells:  "Where's your famous magic trick?"
The Australian says:   "Look in the Kiwi's pocket! "

[Malcolm Robinson]

BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then…POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells, 'I'm over here, in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'