Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[pilgrim]

my grandfather died peacefully his sleep - unlike  the passengers in his car who died screaming in an inferno of ignited petrol

(sorry that was sick!!)

[Brian Cross]

QUICKIES

Low Battery
A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

Government Survey
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the missus look like she's moving during intercourse.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.50/min (charges may vary).

Valentine's Day
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.



 

[mercuryg]

Brian, I hope you realise that, naughty thief he is, Malcolm nicks all these and puts them on Facebook so that people think he's funny. meanwhile, I've advised him - and merrily do so for all on here - to google 'Fifty Sheds of Grey'....a wonderful spoof of teh famous erotic novels.....ergo.....

 

"We tried various positions - round the back, up against a wall, next to her back passage . . but the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed."

Edited February 9, 2015 by mercuryg

[Malcolm Robinson]

People can see we can all cut and paste merc or are you suggesting every joke on here is the the original work of whoever posted it? Now that would be funny!

[mercuryg]

Only joking Malc!

[Malcolm Robinson]

I know and thanks for sending me to a soft porn site!

[mercuryg]

Fifty SHEDS malcolm!

[Malcolm Robinson]

So was I merc..........like I said copy and paste!

[Pete]

An elderly couple walk into a fast food outlet. They order one hamburger, one packet of fries and one drink.

 

The old man unwraps the hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife and the other half in front of himself. He counts out the fries and puts them into two piles placing one pile in front of his wife, the other in front of himself. He then takes the drink and has one sip his wife also has one sip and they place the drink in the centre of the table. As he starts to eat his half of the hamburger, the people on the other tables start looking over and whispering "that poor old couple can only afford one meal between themâ€

 

As the old man begins to eat his fries a young man comes over to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they are just fine, they are just used to sharing everything.

 

The surrounding people notice that the old lady has not eaten anything she sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes a turn sipping the drink.

 

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy them another meal. This time the old woman says "no thank you, we are just used to sharing everything.

 

As the old man finishes and wipes his face with a napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "may I ask what it is you are waiting for?â€

 

The old lady answers

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 "THE TEETHâ€

[Pete]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

 

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seatâ€

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

 

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

 

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

 

"Oh my!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

 

"Tripod?"

 

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

 

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Brian Cross]

"If we could convince the Chinese that
Jihadists' testicles are an aphrodisiac,

in 10 years they could be extinct ... "

[Adam Hogg]

A man goes to his GP, The GP asks what can I help you with?

The patient said "Doctor, I think I have a problem with my ears."

The doctor checks his ears and says, "Your eardrums are very damaged, They may never heal!"

Then the doctor asked the patient, "What do you do as a career? As it maybe work related."

The patient says, "I have been retired, for 20 years now."

The doctor then asks, "Are you married?"

The patient says "Yes, how did you know?"

The doctor relied, "The cause of your Deafness is, you have been nagged to deaf!"

[mercuryg]

Adam! You're in danger of inciting the 'get your coat' clause.....

[Adam Hogg]

Adam! You're in danger of inciting the 'get your coat' clause.....

I draw attention to the Title of the section Merc.

Just like the Bad guy in Lethal weapon 2

[Malcolm Robinson]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of

the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy'..

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off...He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get

to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the

door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and

takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step

out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm pissed,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,

hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies

inside... He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No feckin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He

says 'buggar it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into his room carrying a cup

of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last

night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was feckin' pissed. But how'd you

know?'

'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Ovalteeny]

DRIVING - another true story.

 

Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 

at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his twos and 

blues and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the 

back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed 

limit! What seems to be the problem?""Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the 

speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.""Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two 

miles an hour!" ......the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error."But before I let you go, 

Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the 

officer asks."Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended

I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his private parts with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -

....you're supposed to turn your clock back".

[Malcolm Robinson]

Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most

unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed

between the two men..

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first

But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more! ...

Two asses they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore

"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"

She retorted indignantly.

'In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Heycoola down lady' said the man

"Whooza talkin' about sex?”

"I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi”

£5.00 says you're going to read it again!

[Ovalteeny]

LION TAMER WANTED

 

A circus owner runs an advert for a 'Lion Tamer Wanted' and two people show up. 

One is an old golfer in his late  seventies and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties. 

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history." 

"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?" 

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. 

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge towards her.

As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. 

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

   

He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet. 

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the  old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" 

The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly.......but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

   

[Brian Cross]

SATAN IN CHURCH 

 

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking

among friends.

Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared at the front of the church!

 Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away

from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly

oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said,

'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[Malcolm Robinson]

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the lower ranks.

[pilgrim]

I have tried to avoid posting on here but the voices made me do it ....

ok here goes

how do you make 200 old ladies say F*** at the same time ?

...... say 'House'

....

[Malcolm Robinson]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.

So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.

'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.

She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.

"If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Ovalteeny]

ELECTION WARNING

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. 

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.