Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[mercuryg]

The cornflake one is an oldie but goodie. I was thinking of you the other day, Canny Lass; for some strange reason myself and a friend spent Sunday afternoon in the pub (no that's not the strange bit) googling and learning old Norse insults. We now have a list of a couple of dozen, and randomly chuck them at each other during conversation. My favourite translates as: Your mother wears Roman soldier shoes.

[Canny lass]

Heaven knows how long the cornflake joke has been collecting dust on my computer, but it was written in Danish so it's probably been a while.

Can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

There are researchers who devote their life to the study of verbal insults. I've only nudged the subject but remember those few lectures (Prof. Lars Gunnar Andersson) as some of the funniest I've ever listened to. I don't hink I've ever paid so much attention in my life - which is odd considering my 'biological' defects. Swear words became a focus point for me only from a grammatical point of view, in particular their pragmatic restrictions. Have you ever noticed that certain swear words can only be used in certain  situations? Listen to any immigrant's use of swear words. It's actually quite difficult to get their placement right.

I had a bit of difficulty here with the 'degree' of insult  (not that I'm prone to swearing - much). Insults which an Englishman would consider mild, 'go to H.-ll', for instance, are considerd the most disgusting of all here - equivalent to the Engish f-word. While the English language has gone full circle from sexual insults to religious insults and then back to sexual insults, we haven't progressed beyond the religious. However, there's great concern that this is now happening among the present generation of youngsters who are adopting the English sexual swear words - and using them in all the wrong places!

[Canny lass]

... and, just to get us back on topic:

A middle-aged couple are getting ready for bed. The wife, standing naked in front of a full length mirror, says:

“Sweetheart, I see an old woman in the mirror. My face is wrinkled, my boobs are hanging down to my waist, and my backside is sagging a mile. I’ve got fat legs and bat wings under my arms”.

Turning to her man she says:

“Say something positive about me so I feel better”.

“Well”, he answers, “at least there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”.

[Malcolm Robinson]

"However, there's great concern that this is now happening among the present generation of youngsters who are adopting the English sexual swear words - and using them in all the wrong places!"

 

Or as the famous quip goes.......not necessarily in the wrong places but certainly at the wrong times!  

 

 

[Canny lass]

That brought back memories!

[Canny lass]

A teacher told his class:

“43% of you will not pass this next maths exam”

A voice from the back of the class replied:

“I don’t believe that. There are only 26 of us in the class!”

[Canny lass]

Here are some handy tips about wine.

First and foremost, it’s important to be able to tell the difference between red- and white wines:

The easiest way to do this is to spill a drop or two on a white tablecloth. The wine that leaves a purple stain is a red wine. Real connoisseurs can tell a red from a white simply by tasting.

Port wine is a wine that is served in port. If you don’t live near a port, a marina, lake or even a paddling pool will do.

When you serve a dry wine, make sure that that it’s not windy, or that any of the guests are about to sneeze. In such circumstances you’ll probably get wine dust all over the room.

At parties, the following tips can be useful if you think you may have drunk too much wine:

Some words are difficult to say when you’ve drunk too much:

-       Insurmountable

-       Innovative

-       Preliminary

 

Some words are even more difficult to say when you’ve drunk far too much wine:

-       Constitutional

-       Substantiate

-       Pecuniary

 

Some words are impossible to say when you’re way over the limit:

-       No thanks, no more wine for me.

-       Thanks, but I don’t want sex.

-       Sorry, you’re not really my type

[Malcolm Robinson]

 All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. 

Example: the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen; Aleve is also called Naproxen. 

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. 


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. 
So it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. 

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. 

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT-&-DO. 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. 

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Canny lass]

Life should be lived backwards!

Just think how that would be …

The most unfair thing about life is that it always ends in death! It ought to be the other way round. We should die first, then it’s over and done with and out of the way. Then we chould have a few years in an old people’s home before being kicked out for being too young and healthy and when we start work we should get a gold watch on our very first day. Then we could work 40 odd years until we are young enough to really enjoy having a pension, drink and party, party, party! Time for infant school next - a little kid with no need for responsibilities and then on to being a baby before spending the last nine months at a spa with central heating and food deliveries. AND the whole thing would be rounded off with an orgasm!

[John Fox (foxy)]

17 hours ago, Canny lass said:

Life should be lived backwards!

Just think how that would be …

The most unfair thing about life is that it always ends in death! It ought to be the other way round. We should die first, then it’s over and done with and out of the way. Then we chould have a few years in an old people’s home before being kicked out for being too young and healthy and when we start work we should get a gold watch on our very first day. Then we could work 40 odd years until we are young enough to really enjoy having a pension, drink and party, party, party! Time for infant school next - a little kid with no need for responsibilities and then on to being a baby before spending the last nine months at a spa with central heating and food deliveries. AND the whole thing would be rounded off with an orgasm!

You forgot to add watching the wedding video in reverse, the bride walking up the aisle, getting into the taxi and going back to her mother

[mercuryg]

10 minutes ago, John Fox (foxy) said:

You forgot to add watching the wedding video in reverse, the bride walking up the aisle, getting into the taxi and going back to her mother

I hope the wife doesn't read this page, Foxy!

[Canny lass]

Cheeky b!

[Canny lass]

Where do men go when they get up in the middle of the night?

 

5% go to the fridge

 

20% go to the toilet

 

75% go home

[Malcolm Robinson]

I've only done two of those Cannylass......

[Canny lass]

14 hours ago, Malcolm Robinson said:

I've only done two of those Cannylass......

I'm not going to ask ...

[Canny lass]

What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

She gets up, gets dressed and goes home.

 

When do blonde hookers get angry?

When they find out that the others are charging.

 

Why was alcohol created?

So that brunettes could also have fun.

[mercuryg]

Fifteen blondes walk into a bar; you'd think one would have noticed it.

[Canny lass]

8 hours ago, mercuryg said:

Fifteen blondes walk into a bar; you'd think one would have noticed it.

I've had this in my head all day and the penny has just finally dropped! Massive senior moment!

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

 

11 hours ago, mercuryg said:

Fifteen blondes walk into a bar; you'd think one would have noticed it.

 

2 hours ago, Canny lass said:

I've had this in my head all day and the penny has just finally dropped! Massive senior moment!

CL - have you got 14 mates?

[Canny lass]

25 minutes ago, Eggy1948 said:

CL - have you got 14 mates?

Not sure, Eggy. I can only count to ten. If the good Lord had wanted me to count to 14 he would have given me 14 fingers!

Seriously, I couldn't get my head past the 'alcoholic' type of bar. Sign of a misspent youth, Im afraid!

[Canny lass]

An old lady walks into a cosmetic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three procedures. The first is for £1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is £3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is £5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years." The old lady says "Well tell me about them."

The doctor says, "For £1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."

He explains, "For £3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."

The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."

The doctor replies, "For £5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your boobs and if you keep messing with that screw, pretty soon you're going to have a goatee beard!"

[Canny lass]

A middle-aged man woke up one Saturday morning to find his bike missing.

Fearing that the bike had been stolen, he turned to the local priest for help.

The priest wondered why the man had come to him and not the police.

“Well, I thought that perhaps somebody might confess their sin to you”.

“I am bound to secrecy”, said the priest “and I wouldn’t be able to reveal any names.  However, I might be able to help you in another way. Tomorrow, when I read my sermon I’ll read the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘ thou shalt not steal’ you can have a look around and see if you can see anybody with a guilty look on their face”.

The sermon went according to plan and as promised, the priest rounded off by reading the Ten Commandments. After the service, the man met the priest in the Sacristy.

“How did it go?” asked the priest.

“It went very well” replied the man, “but not in the way we had planned. When you got to ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife’ I remembered where I had left my bike”.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

 

He also ate very little, which made himrather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[John Fox (foxy)]

8 hours ago, Malcolm Robinson said:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

 

He also ate very little, which made himrather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Do they come any worse?

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

3 hours ago, John Fox (foxy) said:

Do they come any worse?

Yes but I'll save them for another day. How about :-

So this teacher is teaching her junior school class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps,'cause they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"
Then she notices that Little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says.
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that c**t ages to finish that fence."