Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Brian Cross]

"FATHER OF THE YEARâ€

A man boarded a plane with six kids. (gutsy guy!)

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from

him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY

Edited May 11, 2012 by Brian Cross

[Malcolm Robinson]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'..

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[Malcolm Robinson]

Letters of Apology:

Hi Sweetheart,

I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.

I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.

I realise that I was wrong and I am apologising for being such a hard-headed guy.

All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.

Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights!

I took the time to hang the lights for you today and now I will be off to the hockey rink.

Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.

I'll be home later.

Love you??

Hi Honey,

Thank you for that heart-felt apology.

I don't often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it.

I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologise.

I realise that I can sometimes be a little pushy.

I will try to respect your feelings from now on.

Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me.

It really means a lot.

In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you and now I am off to the mall.

I love you too!

[Brian Cross]

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,

Was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all

over Ireland were coming to him in the town of

Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a

stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a

bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no

object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait

while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer

portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude alright . but I has to at least leave me

socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................

[Brian Cross]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . . The little bastard's name is Kevin."

[Brian Cross]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Control yourself !!!

[Brian Cross]

TIMBUKTU - A RIPPER

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand,

Trekked a lonely caravan

Men on camels two by two

Destination - Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent,

They were three, and we was two

So I bucked one, and tim buktu."

The aboriginal won.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Apologies to any Irish viewers........

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.

Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[Malcolm Robinson]

A group of Hell's Angels were out riding their Harley's one Sunday

when they spotted a woman about to jump off a bridge so they stopped and

parked their bikes.

The leader, a big burly mountain of a man says; *"What are you doing?”

*"I'm going to commit suicide” *says the young woman.

While he didn't want to appear totally insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either so he asked her; *"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?”*

And it was a long, deep, spine-tingling kiss. After she's finished, the bike leader says; *"Wow, that was the best kiss I've ever had. You have a real talent for it. You could be famous.Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?”*

*"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl!”*

The Authorities think she may have been pushed - - -!

[Brian Cross]

A group of Hell's Angels were out riding their Harley's one Sunday

when they spotted a woman about to jump off a bridge so they stopped and

parked their bikes.

The leader, a big burly mountain of a man says; *"What are you doing?â€

*"I'm going to commit suicide†*says the young woman.

While he didn't want to appear totally insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either so he asked her; *"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?â€*

And it was a long, deep, spine-tingling kiss. After she's finished, the bike leader says; *"Wow, that was the best kiss I've ever had. You have a real talent for it. You could be famous.Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?â€*

*"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl!â€*

The Authorities think she may have been pushed - - -!

Good one Mal

[Brian Cross]

Soory Ladies

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper

and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time

ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your

husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start

swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until

he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came

home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae

touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does

!*!@# all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[Adam Hogg]

A Policeman is investigating some strange stuffings and visits the local Taxidermist and tells him the problem that 34 healthy people and a double glazing salesman have been stuffed and mounted and that he is under suspicion and in addition to this he is believed to have stuffed 3 members of the cabinet but the police can't find out which three however if the police find out which three he will be in a lot of trouble, the policeman goes on to say "do you know what you can get for stuffing Mr. Norman Tebbit?" the taxidermist responds, "queens award for industry, i have it hear."

Edited June 7, 2012 by Adam Hogg

[Malcolm Robinson]

I never knew of one word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep: -

UP

Read until the end ... you'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Now I'll shut UP.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary

when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I

made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My

love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you,

maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . .'

[Brian Cross]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary

when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I

made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My

love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you,

maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . .'

Not this Brian let me assure you all !!

[Malcolm Robinson]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary

when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I

made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My

love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you,

maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . .'

Then we left for Australia

[Brian Cross]

Love it boyo

[Brian Cross]

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Jimmy said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery.â€

"What's dat den?†asks Mikey.

"Send me lawn away to be mowed."

[Malcolm Robinson]

----- Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs

And make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you

On your new alligator shoes

And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe catches your fancy

And your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going bra-less

Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,

Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..

'Getting a little action'

Means you don't need to take any fibre today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are not sure these are jokes?

[Malcolm Robinson]

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions

to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus

clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better

To the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm

around it.. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled

fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that,

the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there

was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another

shipwreck. The only survivor was Cherie Blair. That evening, the man

brought Cherie to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful

evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect

for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in

and leaned over to Cherie and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Cherie batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could

do for him.

He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk?'

[Malcolm Robinson]

Golf ethics............

Here is a golf ethics question for you.

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the

match was halved at the end of 17 holes. (unlikely you would be there I know)

You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a

simple nine iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and

hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the

pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim

from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click,

the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the

woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the

hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating barsteward's ball, that you found in the rough, out of your pocket and confront him

with it or do you keep your mouth shut.

[Brian Cross]

Golf ethics............

Here is a golf ethics question for you.

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the

match was halved at the end of 17 holes. (unlikely you would be there I know)

You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a

simple nine iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and

hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the

pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim

from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click,

the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the

woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the

hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating barsteward's ball, that you found in the rough, out of your pocket and confront him

with it or do you keep your mouth shut.

For me Gob Shut !!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Wife joke..............

[Malcolm Robinson]

And another one.............

[Malcolm Robinson]

another..........