Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Brian Cross]

Geordie is on holiday and visiting The Grand Canyon. The tour guide asks 'Can anyone tell me what a canyon is?' Geordie whips open his flies and lobs his todger out and says 'A divvent knaa, but this is a canny'n!'

Good one Merlin.....

[Brian Cross]

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Yes Sir , I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,

"Well, wash your hands real f#@*&$% good because I want a cheeseburger."

[Keith Scantlebury]

That barmaid worked in the Percy for years Brian, ..... I wondered where she got to.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Bullsh*t and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading

rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Brett]

Roses are red, violets are blue, i've got alzheimers, cheese on toast.

[Brian Cross]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs; a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something, 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry.'

Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

[Mr Darn]

A senior citizen in Texas drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-40, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Texas State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[Mr Darn]

Before marriage:

She : Hi

He : Oh, I've been waiting for this ...

She : You want me to go ?

He : no, Not at all

She : do you love me ?

He : of course, big time

She : you picked the wrong woman ??

He : no, why do you say that ?

She : you wanna kiss me ?

He : every time I see you !!

She : you wanna slap me ??

He : are you crazy ? never

She : can I trust you ?

He : yes

She : My love

...

after marriage

Read the same text upwards ...

[Malcolm Robinson]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face . Was plastered with red lipstick, And a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,

"What causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, t contempt for your fellow man,sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer

[Malcolm Robinson]

THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair..

[Brian Cross]

How Moses got the 10 Commandments....

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have the Commandments for you that will make your lives better.

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Brian,

That looks to be a properly filled out job application to our Top Gear!

http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/tv/2011/02/05/bbc-says-sorry-for-top-gear-boys-mexico-slurs-115875-22899881/

I wouldn't care a more sycophantic bunch of immature dummy suckers would be hard to find!

[Malcolm Robinson]

If anyone hasn't had this to their inbox...........

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)

British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch

dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all

travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with

airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the

Windshields of their new high speed trains

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken

hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed

it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the

engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the

cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the

experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the

British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost chicken."

[Brian Cross]

Subject: Christmas Golf !

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it

would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an

argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it. We'll make it a priority,

figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf

course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune. I bought my wife such a

diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the

cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the

manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like

they've lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas. It's a great morning for either sex or golf ' . and she said ...

"Take a sweater."

[Brian Cross]

This is our P.M Julia Gillard.

While stitching up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand

had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck

up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being our

prime minister. The old bloke said, "Well, . . . . . . Julia is just a

Post Turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, What's a "Post

Turtle?"

The old bloke said, "When you're driving down a country road and you

come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top, that's a post

Turtle."

When he saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face he continued to

explain.

"You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up

there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as

anything isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb

idiot put her up there in the first place."

[Brian Cross]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewellery to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house".

Well she didn't actually put it like that.

She said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

[Keith Scantlebury]

Goodun Brian

[Brett]

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and

stopped breathing.

I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and

realised she was just on standby.

=======================================

A man goes to a doctor.."I am addicted to Twitter", he says....Doctor says: "I am sorry, I dont follow you"....”

boom tish ..................

=======================================

My friends say I'm too patronising...

... (that's when you talk down to someone in a condescending way, as if they're really stupid).

[Brian Cross]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in

a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk

if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the

counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me

to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[Merlin]

Teacher asks her class 'Can anyone tell me where Pakistan is?' Little Geordie at the back says 'I think he went home for dinner Miss'

[Malcolm Robinson]

I presume you are poking fun at the stereotypical image of 'Geordie' rather than anything else with that one Merlin!

[Malcolm Robinson]

This year we will experience 4 unusual dates..... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11....

Now go figure this out take the last 2 digits of the year u were born plus the age u will be this year and it will EQUAL TO 111..........

This is FREAKY, do the math of your dates.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Andy Grey's resignation letter..........

Dear Sky Directors,

I am so sad to be leaving a company that I have served long and hard for, for over 20 years. In fact I would like to go out on a high and so……….

A woman gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You OK sweetheart?" she says.

"Yes Miss" he replies.

"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.

"It's best I stay here Miss. " he says.

"Why?" asks the woman.

The boy replies: "Because I'm the blooming goalkeeper!"

Yours faithfully,

Andy Gray

[Merlin]

I presume you are poking fun at the stereotypical image of 'Geordie' rather than anything else with that one Merlin!

Of bleedin' course Malcolm, you know me!

[Brett]

Roses are red

A.D.D is green

Look a butterfly..

Pillow fight!!