Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these

blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she

decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to

paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her

husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of

paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the

floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy

parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks

her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she

replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are

dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She

replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it

Said...

You'll love this..

I know you will...

..

.

.

.

.

.

.

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[Merlin]

A bloke buys a budgie and every morning the budgie says 'I'm a geordie budgie me and I'm as hard as nails'

The bloke gets a bit sick of this and says 'I'll teach you' So he buys a Kestrel and puts it in the budgies cage. In the morning the kestrel is dead and the budgie says 'I'm a geordie budgie me and I'm as hard as nails'

So the bloke buys a Buzzard and puts it in the budgies cage. Next morning the buzzard is dead and the budgie says 'I'm a geordie budgie me and I'm as hard as nails.

I'll teach you says the bloke, that night he puts a golden eagle in the budgies cage. Next morning the golden eagle is dead and the budgie is sitting on his perch with no feathers, the budgie says 'I had to take my coat off for that bugga ' :dribble:

[Brian Cross]

After a evening of over drinking at his Lodge a Brother Mason died and

was delivered to a local mortuary wearing his expensive, expertly tailored

black suit.

> The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like

the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit

he is already wearing.

>The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his

best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde

mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have

my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

>The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds

her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the

suit fits him perfectly...

>She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You

did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

>To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank

check.

>'There's no charge,' she says.

>'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue

suit!' she says.

>'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a

deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after

you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his

wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she

said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

>

> 'So I just switched the heads.'

>

>

[Merlin]

Blonde Joke

Blonde phones the fire brigade to say her house is on fire, Fireman asks 'How do I get to your house?' Blonde 'Hellooo! In the the red thingy'

[Malcolm Robinson]

Two Questions:

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A:

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.

He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.

Candidate B:

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C:

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never committed adultery.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

[Malcolm Robinson]

Did you hear about the guy who was a dyslexic-insomniac-agnostic?

He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog?

[Malcolm Robinson]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mum screams. "Knock it off." He stops and eventually Mum leaves for a short trip to the shops.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after she's gone. As he gives it one last flick, it lands in the toilet

where he leaves it.

Mum comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, a diarrhoea run. She just makes it.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.

She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls the doctor, who is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll come shortly

to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard

look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years,

And this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

[Brian Cross]

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and

sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am I'??The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back 'Ya canna kid me ya

flash bastard. You're in that !*!@# basket'.

[Brian Cross]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling

Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging

Out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

Missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy !*!@#! My girlfriend's gone, too!

[Brett]

I took a dyslexic bird home the other day she ended up cooking my sock.

[Brian Cross]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends....... Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend 's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[Brett]

Two Radical Arabs boarded a flight out of London .

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in

when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,

'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors

'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in my shoes and me pxxxxxg in your cokes?'

[Brian Cross]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

Life is too short.....drink more beer today

[Brian Cross]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

"What's up Dave†asked the Landlord…

"It's not like you to be so down in the mouthâ€

"It's my four year old son…†the man replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age†said the landlord, sympathetically.

" I only wish it was that†continued the customer, " but it's far worse than that. The little b*****d has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.â€

"Get away, that's impossible!†gasped the landlord

"It's not†said the man…

"the little devil stuck a pin in all my condomsâ€

[Malcolm Robinson]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??''

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

Worse .. you're now singing it to yourself .....

[Malcolm Robinson]

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all

been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day,

they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their

first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a

boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy, stepped out of the boat .....

and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. "Grandma,” he

asked, "it's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like

my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were

all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in

August, you thick twit!!

[Malcolm Robinson]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.

"BLOOMING HECK DON'T BE RIDICULOUS" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ??"

[Malcolm Robinson]

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been

a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their

promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag

and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find

himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the

water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,

'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the

side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself

into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

[Malcolm Robinson]

A Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!'

WIFE:

'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND:

'Of course I do.'

WIFE:

'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND:>

'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE:

'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:

(makes audible groan)

WIFE:

'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND:

'Sure.. It's a great house.'

WIFE:

'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND:

'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE:

'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND:

'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE:

'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND:

'That would seem like the proper thing to do..'

WIFE:

'Would you give her my jewellery?'

HUSBAND:

'No.. I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE:

'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND:

'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE:

'Would she use my golf clubs?'

HUSBAND:

'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE:

- silence –

HUSBAND:

' . . . S**t.'

[Malcolm Robinson]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut? "

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,

"To your wife"

[Malcolm Robinson]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife..

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and seeing that she is no longer pregnant, frantically, asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be Christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...'.

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved.

'Wow, that's a really beautiful name, 'I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise'.

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '

[Brian Cross]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and seeing that she is no longer pregnant, frantically, asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be Christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...'.

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved.

'Wow, that's a really beautiful name, 'I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise'.

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '

Luv it........

[Brian Cross]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on

the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in

Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side

on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[Brian Cross]

A friend of mine just started his own business.

He manufactures land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.