Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Malcolm Robinson]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,

COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GENERAL ELECTRIC WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS

THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A

COUPLE OF HOURS....................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER

GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,

SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

[Malcolm Robinson]

The joy of e-mail!

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat !*!@# in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also,I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you,

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Malcolm Robinson]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who

had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Guest MONGO]

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

[Guest MONGO]

A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

[Guest MONGO]

Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off." The second guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast." The third guy says, "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my c*ck out."

[Cympil]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

"Supplies!!"

[Malcolm Robinson]

TEARS...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee,

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said,

'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

"I would have been released tomorrow"

[Malcolm Robinson]

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh !*!@#, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

[Malcolm Robinson]

One for Pete,

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit."

Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going.

In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake.

"Actually, my story is much the same as yours.

I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and find out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.

I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you"

Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls.

I'd say you must be French".

[Malcolm Robinson]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[Malcolm Robinson]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large,

raging volent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,

"God, please give me the strength to cross the river"

!*!@# ? God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim

across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me

srength and the tools to cross the river."

!*!@# ! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he

was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God,

please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross

this river."

!*!@# ! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one

hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Don't quite know about that one remembering my wife's map reading skills!

[Malcolm Robinson]

The truth about growing old.

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you

once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[Malcolm Robinson]

Drunk at Your Door

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

[Cympil]

Drunk at Your Door

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

:lol: :lol:

[Mr Darn]

i know someone thats done something very simmiler...

[Cympil]

i know someone thats done something very simmiler...

Wey if you know what the drink does to you,you shouldn`t drink

[Mr Darn]

Wey if you know what the drink does to you,you shouldn`t drink

Ahhh, it was all in good fun! he also had a habbit of phoning me at 3am from down south to ask the time...

when i told him it was 3am, he would reply "really? thats what time it is here too! fancy that!" and hang up.

[Cympil]

Heathrow prank - Airport tannoy mischief ..Click Here (contains swearing) but very funny

[Malcolm Robinson]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came

in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a

seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle

of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this

piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a

pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over

to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here

http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

[Malcolm Robinson]

MY FLIGHT WAS BEING SERVED BY AN OBVIOUSLY GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT, WHO SEEMED TO PUT EVERYONE IN A GOOD MOOD AS HE SERVED US FOOD AND DRINKS.

AS THE PLANE PREPARED TO DESCEND, HE CAME SWISHING DOWN THE AISLE AND TOLD US THAT "CAPTAIN MARVEY HAS ASKED ME TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'LL BE LANDING THE BIG SCARY PLANE SHORTLY, SO LOVELY PEOPLE, IF YOU COULD JUST PUT YOUR TRAYS UP, THAT WOULD BE SUPER."

ON HIS TRIP BACK UP THE AISLE, HE NOTICED THIS WELL-DRESSED AND RATHER ARABIC LOOKING WOMAN HADN'T MOVED A MUSCLE.

"PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME OVER THOSE BIG BRUTE ENGINES BUT I ASKED YOU TO RAISE YOUR TRAZY-POO, SO THE MAIN MAN CAN PITTY-PAT US ON THE GROUND."

SHE CALMLY TURNED HER HEAD AND SAID, "IN MY COUNTRY, I AM CALLED A

PRINCESS AND I TAKE ORDERS FROM NO ONE."

TO WHICH (I SWEAR) THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT REPLIED, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, "WELL, SWEET-CHEEKS, IN MY COUNTRY I'M CALLED A QUEEN,

SO I OUTRANK YOU. TRAY-UP, BITCH."

[Hamburger Pimp]

Heathrow prank - Airport tannoy mischief ..Click Here (contains swearing) but very funny

First heard in 1994 on Chris Morris' Radio One show.

[Monsta®]

First heard in 1994 on Chris Morris' Radio One show.

whos chris morris?

[Cympil]

First heard in 1994 on Chris Morris' Radio One show.

I wouldn`t have thought any of that would have been allowed on a radio show

[Monsta®]

whos chris morris?�

i know he was a !*!@# who got sacked for all the persistent pranks and a profanity-laden shows! on boxing day!