Malcolm Robinson Posted July 17, 2014 Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 Just watched the Lance Armstrong interview. He lied to us so much and for so long I'm starting to doubt he landed on the moon at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Robinson Posted July 17, 2014 Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 Im starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now . Left the car in the pub car park last night & took the bus home. Quite proud of myself really I've never driven a bus before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Robinson Posted July 17, 2014 Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 My mate Paddy rang me and said he's just got this bargain coat from House of Frazer. Originally it was £400 but he got it for just £25. He said it was supposed to be slightly imperfect but he's had a look all over and the only thing he can find is one sleeve slightly longer than the other two! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Robinson Posted July 17, 2014 Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons. A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death. Q. What is artificial insemination? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie. Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby. Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'. A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant) Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we're getting somewhere) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mercuryg Posted July 17, 2014 Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 "Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death." I hope they gave top marks for this. (Malcolm, you've been busy!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Robinson Posted July 17, 2014 Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 You don't know the half merc! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cross Posted July 19, 2014 Report Share Posted July 19, 2014 A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'The guy left.A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .' The guy left.The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes.He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,..........'Your house! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Robinson Posted July 20, 2014 Report Share Posted July 20, 2014 Prophetic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alan Edgar (Eggy1948) Posted July 20, 2014 Report Share Posted July 20, 2014 I don't find this funny .http://fr.worldtop.org/category/top/femme-station-service/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orloff Posted July 21, 2014 Report Share Posted July 21, 2014 That was hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Fox (foxy) Posted July 30, 2014 Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 THE ITALIAN VIRGINMaria was just married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.Her mother reassured her "Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."So, up she went. When she went upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.""Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he has hairy legs!""Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."So, up she went again. When she arrived there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta." -- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mercuryg Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 7 year old and 4 year old kid are in their bedroom. 7 year old says to his brother 'I reckon it's time we started swearing; let's do down for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you.OK?' 'Ok' replies the little 'un, so they go down for breakfast. So, Mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'I'll have coco pops, bitch!' he replies. Smack, the kid is knocked of the chair by Mum, cries his eyes out. She turns to the 4 year old. 'And what would you like?' 'Not sure, but it won't be f***ing coco pops.....' (sorry, I'll leave the building.......) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mercuryg Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 I don't find this funny .http://fr.worldtop.org/category/top/femme-station-service/ On this note, my mother (she's knocking 80, so she has excuses) reversed into another car at Bebside tip the other day. She didn't notice it because, while reversing, she was busy reading a sign that said 'Please Take Care When Reversing' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keith lockey Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 A confused and depressed identical twin decided to commit suicide...so he shot his brother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Robinson Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Didn't know where else to post this........... http://www.thejournal.co.uk/news/north-east-news/judge-slams-northumberland-county-council-7541858 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cross Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD> MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER> PARCHED THROAT.>> SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE> STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A> YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND> A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.>>> THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING> "HEY" OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED">>> THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER> DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO.">> A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL,> YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD> WOMAN'S FEET.>> THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF> -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.>> WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL> LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE> SALOON.>> THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A> DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.>> THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE> CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.>> THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND> VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.>> THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN> AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.>> THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S> HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?>> THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE> ALWAYS WANTED TO.">> THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:>> 1 - Never be arrogant..> 2 - Don't waste ammunition.> 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.> 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.> 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...>> I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cross Posted August 3, 2014 Report Share Posted August 3, 2014 An old bloke, about 65, got a job interview. The personnel officer asked him "what is your greatest weakness"? The old bloke replied " my honesty." The personnel officer said "I don't think that is a weakness". The old bloke replied"I don't give a f**k what you think." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cross Posted August 4, 2014 Report Share Posted August 4, 2014 At a local bar in downtown Powell River, ​​The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around,that he offered a standing $1000 bet.The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.Many people had tried,.....over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..."He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the hell outta it.....Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.But the Crowd's laughter so turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for Australian Tax Office." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cross Posted August 7, 2014 Report Share Posted August 7, 2014 As You Mature,It's The Little Things That Don't Seem To Matter As Much As They used To! This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a shit? I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."When you are over sixty, who gives a shit? I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs."Really" she said, "Go on then...try."After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"I said, "Yesterday."When you are over sixty, who gives a shit? I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.When you are over sixty, who gives a shit? I went to the pub last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really gives a shit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MONGO Posted August 12, 2014 Report Share Posted August 12, 2014 Robin Williams dead. Police suspect arson, but I Doubtfire. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Robinson Posted August 12, 2014 Report Share Posted August 12, 2014 MONGO........good to have you back......play nice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cross Posted September 7, 2014 Report Share Posted September 7, 2014 An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cross Posted September 8, 2014 Report Share Posted September 8, 2014 I PLAY GOLF ON FRIDAYS!Ellen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painfultirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glowof being highly aroused.The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.Can you do this?'Bob thought for a moment and replied,'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,but on Fridays, I play golf." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cross Posted September 8, 2014 Report Share Posted September 8, 2014 Ahkmed the Arab came to England from theMiddle East , and he was only here a few monthswhen he became very ill.He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him.Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said,'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room,poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,and den put your head down over de bucketand breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room,pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop,bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.Coming back to the doctor he said,'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'The doctor said, 'You were homesick.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cross Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , Wales you bloody idiot!"Therefore, I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"And that's the last thing I remember. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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