Good Jokes: Not For The Faint-Hearted (Adult content)

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

A Touching Golf Story

 

Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

 

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

 

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

 

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

 

His companion said,

 

 

 

'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.

[Ovalteeny]

At the National Art Gallery in London , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, a Northumbrian approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?
'Because I am the artist, that painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Bedlington coal miners from the Dr. Pit. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

 

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

https://youtu.be/TOJzPXzcF_g

[Merlin]

So Ireland has legalised gay marriage.

the first couple to be married are Ben Dover and Phil McCavity. Oooooosh!

[Brian Cross]

A young woman started work in the Village Chemist Shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on

her own.

She had to confide to him her worries abut selling condoms. "Look†he said, "My regular customers don't ask

for condoms, they ask for a 310 (small); 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentionedâ€.

The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said, "350 pleaseâ€.

The girl panicked and rang her employer. She told him of her predicament. "Go back and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legsâ€

her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes†she said, "He's got one hanging there!â€

The boss replied, "Go back in there and give him $3.50, he's our window cleanerâ€.
 

[Ovalteeny]

It doesn't take long….

 

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:'You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.'
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he'd raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:'You see that bridge over there?'
The Spaniard replied: 'No.'

[pilgrim]

...am recovering after getting the car out of a ditch... the cause was the radio!!! .........

did I really hear that 'at Wimbledon today the ladies are enjoying 2 men's semis'??

[Brian Cross]

Prescription Drugs & Side Effects

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

"It's this Viagra," he says. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.

"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?

Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

   

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Adam Hogg]

Today the weathermen issued a warning about tornado's in the UK.

 

The Ministry of Defence shortly after that released a statement saying the following, "The Weathermen have been correct, Tornados are about as we are conducting training flights around the UK, but we can assure the British People there is no danger."

[Malcolm Robinson]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[Malcolm Robinson]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her Parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there.

 But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says and in they go.          

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.  

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.        

So he reaches over and fondles her.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has his way with hers her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

 

Suddenly the father shouts out ... ' OK I'll do the ******** dishes!!!

[Brian Cross]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?â€
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business at this convention?â€
"Lecturer,†she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.â€
"Really?†he said. "And what kind of myths are there?â€
"Well,†she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.â€
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm Sorry,†she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't Even know your name.â€
"Tonto,†the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[Adam Hogg]

A man moved back to the UK after a few years in Germany, He went through his phone and deleted all the German numbers which he no longer needed, however there was one german number he could not delete off his phone as much as he tried the same number always came up, 999.

[Brian Cross]

MAORI CONVENTION.  

33,000 Maori meet at the Westpac Stadium for a 'Maori Are Not Stupid' convention

 

Pita Sharples addresses the crowd..

'We are all here today to prove to the world that Maori are not stupid, can I have a volunteer please?

Hone Harawira  gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

 

Pita asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Hone says, 'Forty!' Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then the Maori start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Pita says, 'Well since we have a huge crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

 

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Twelve?' Pita looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Hone looks like he's going to weep.

But then the 33,000 Maori begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Pita, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?

 

Silence hangs over the stadium.
Hone closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Maori crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

 

[Malcolm Robinson]

Oh dear..................

 

[Brian Cross]

Prince Charles goes to see his mother, the queen, at balmoral.
"hello mother" he says, wearing a dead fox on his head.
" hello Charles, may I ask why do you have a dead fox on your head?" asks the queen.
"ah, well I wasn't sure what to wear, so I asked my new Geordie butler what I should wear to visit balmoral, he said "balmoral? Wear the fox hat? "

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

http://www.independent.ie/entertainment/television/tv-news/watch-german-christmas-ad-beats-all-the-rest-hands-down-hankies-at-the-ready-34245266.html

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

 

[Canny lass]

A Japanese couple were arguing wildly about how to have highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"

Wife: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"

Husband replies angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife, on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkjouji!"

Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"

 

I can't believe you lot sat there and reading this! You don't know a word of Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it's about sex ... You all need serious help!!!

Edited January 16, 2016 by Canny lass

[Alan Edgar (Eggy1948)]

2 hours ago, Canny lass said:

A Japanese couple were arguing wildly about how to have highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"

Wife: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"

Husband replies angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife, on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkjouji!"

Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"

 

I can't believe you lot sat there and reading this! You don't know a word of Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it's about sex ... You all need serious help!!!

とかA安吉ローディ 

[threegee]

12 minutes ago, Eggy1948 said:

とかA安吉ローディ 

Ah, yes: Toka A Anji Lodi in English - in fact just what I was thinking before Google translate came up with the same answer.  ない生活は不気味ですか？

Umm.. don't bother to translate that - you'll get: Life without Is it creepy?  I leave you to guess what the original English was.

[mercuryg]

On the note of East to West translation, I once bought an electric carving knife which featured the legend among its instructions.."Not for the other use....."

[threegee]

6 hours ago, mercuryg said:

On the note of East to West translation, I once bought an electric carving knife which featured the legend among its instructions.."Not for the other use....."

Irrefutable Chinese logic there.  Everyone knows what the "other" and prohibited use of a knife is!

This road sign is entirely logical too (providing you are the sign contractor):

[Ovalteeny]

Saw this shop the other day called "Islamic Books & Souvenirs" so decided to have a look inside, almost immediately two men dressed in dresses came over and asked what I wanted, I said 'Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of immigrants? One of the gentlemen said, "F**k off get out and never come back", I said "yes, that's the one, how much?"

Edited January 22, 2016 by Ovalteeny